for Dirige Nos8/9/2008 c1 criti-sized
What caught my attention about this one-shot was the name. It not leaves a question mark of what's going to happen, but how the people are going to be guided.
[Instead, he was brooding over its destruction.] This sentence made me laugh. After reading the first few I wouldn't have expected it to be destroyed.
[..By order of Apollyon, I am forced to initiate its obliteration. And yet..”] Lol, one of the stories that I'm writing now is title Apollyon.
[Why must he destroy another town? Did he want to cause so much pain and suffering – again?] I see, he's literally just following orders.
[It was not a desirable fate.] Yeah, that's evident after they made it clear that he's expendable andh just a pawn.
I really like this short, and how in the end it wasn't something happy. The emotions of the captain come off so clearly, and it's aware the pain he feels after he destroys the town, but how he accepts it.
Great short.
C.S.
What caught my attention about this one-shot was the name. It not leaves a question mark of what's going to happen, but how the people are going to be guided.
[Instead, he was brooding over its destruction.] This sentence made me laugh. After reading the first few I wouldn't have expected it to be destroyed.
[..By order of Apollyon, I am forced to initiate its obliteration. And yet..”] Lol, one of the stories that I'm writing now is title Apollyon.
[Why must he destroy another town? Did he want to cause so much pain and suffering – again?] I see, he's literally just following orders.
[It was not a desirable fate.] Yeah, that's evident after they made it clear that he's expendable andh just a pawn.
I really like this short, and how in the end it wasn't something happy. The emotions of the captain come off so clearly, and it's aware the pain he feels after he destroys the town, but how he accepts it.
Great short.
C.S.
7/27/2008 c1 
8Violent Messiah
Wow, that was a quick read, but I liked it. You really made sure the internal struggle of The Captain came across to the reader...I could tell the pull of doing the safe thing versus doing the right thing was tearing him apart mentally and emotionally. Is he a coward? That all depends on how the reader answers the question the story might pose to them; what would they do in that situation? Is a life worth living at the expense of many others? Makes for interesting insight into oneself...
You know, it worked for a quick read and all, but if you fleshed The Captain out more as a character and went into more detail about Apollyon and why he insists towns be destroyed? You'd probably have a pretty good longer story. Just a thought.
Couldn't really find fault with it, other then a spelling error or two. All in all, a nice little tale. Thank you for stopping by The Road House...Cheers!
8Violent MessiahWow, that was a quick read, but I liked it. You really made sure the internal struggle of The Captain came across to the reader...I could tell the pull of doing the safe thing versus doing the right thing was tearing him apart mentally and emotionally. Is he a coward? That all depends on how the reader answers the question the story might pose to them; what would they do in that situation? Is a life worth living at the expense of many others? Makes for interesting insight into oneself...
You know, it worked for a quick read and all, but if you fleshed The Captain out more as a character and went into more detail about Apollyon and why he insists towns be destroyed? You'd probably have a pretty good longer story. Just a thought.
Couldn't really find fault with it, other then a spelling error or two. All in all, a nice little tale. Thank you for stopping by The Road House...Cheers!
7/22/2008 c1 1OceanLeviathan
Nice oneshot. The fact that the character is called a captain and the way he is forced to do actions reminds my of the army (The whole do what you're told, ask questions later thing).
It's an interesting concept, though it is a bit short. 'Apollyon' is an unusual name. It sounds like an organisation of sorts but I'm not sure.
In truth I think that the captain is a coward. I mean if he didn't like it and didn't want to be punished, he could've killed himself.
Overall, this was a nice read. Good luck with future stories.
1OceanLeviathanNice oneshot. The fact that the character is called a captain and the way he is forced to do actions reminds my of the army (The whole do what you're told, ask questions later thing).
It's an interesting concept, though it is a bit short. 'Apollyon' is an unusual name. It sounds like an organisation of sorts but I'm not sure.
In truth I think that the captain is a coward. I mean if he didn't like it and didn't want to be punished, he could've killed himself.
Overall, this was a nice read. Good luck with future stories.
7/22/2008 c1 6concerto49
Hm, you began with 'the captain' but we weren't really introduced to what this captain was. It would be better with a slight intro or began with something like 'a captain' and a bit more background expanding it a bit. You should also expand on the beauty of the town to really give that feeling. There's a bit too much telling - perhaps you could borrow a flashback or something to explain it or try to show his feelings more naturally than simply state what the situation is.
It is a start, and feels like there is something at work behind the scenes. Try to push for that atmospehere. I think in this chapter you dragged on a little about them discussing their feelings on the matter. Whilst those were good, it would be even better to leave those later and just set the feel, and provide enough hints on what will happen. I like some of the captain's words. Those were good.
Sci-fi is hard. You have to set the setting more closely and everything else.
6concerto49Hm, you began with 'the captain' but we weren't really introduced to what this captain was. It would be better with a slight intro or began with something like 'a captain' and a bit more background expanding it a bit. You should also expand on the beauty of the town to really give that feeling. There's a bit too much telling - perhaps you could borrow a flashback or something to explain it or try to show his feelings more naturally than simply state what the situation is.
It is a start, and feels like there is something at work behind the scenes. Try to push for that atmospehere. I think in this chapter you dragged on a little about them discussing their feelings on the matter. Whilst those were good, it would be even better to leave those later and just set the feel, and provide enough hints on what will happen. I like some of the captain's words. Those were good.
Sci-fi is hard. You have to set the setting more closely and everything else.