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for My Love For You

8/15/2008 c1 9maxwell's other demon
havent we all had that affection for someone which we couldnt translate?thats cool that they all rhyme. it separates it from the multitude of other love poems out there..
8/13/2008 c1 Counting Petals
I agree with the others about the rhyming, to a point. If you want to rhyme, it could work, but I'd recommend having only two or three lines sharing a rhyme, as opposed to the whole poem. That might cut down on the forced nature of the poem a little.
7/28/2008 c1 Ernest Bloom
Like the other reviewers, I'd say your rhymes are much too forced and interfere with the reader getting your point. Story front seat, rhyme back seat! And I suggest strongly you learn about

I disagree strongly with one of your reviewers. The last line destroys your poem. If you so easily go from sublime love to hatred, then your love was never more than shallow to begin with, meaning your reader has wasted his/her time trying to connect emotionally to the poem.

You know, if you stripped off the rhymes and turned it into blank verse, you might well have something here...

7/26/2008 c1 nothing.void.gone
I thought some of the rhyming sounded a bit forced. Like you were rhyming just to rhyme. The "forced" rhyming also threw me off track and I had to read it again to try and understand what you were saying. Other than that, good use of vocab. It allowed better imagery to certain lines. Good effort.
7/23/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Review Game!

I like how this has a sort of speaking voice to it. Don't get me wrong, this has many wonderful aspects of a poem, but certain lines such as "But oh! How cruel to have this fate!" made me feel like the narrator was simly speaking in a poetic way, which made it feel more natural and made me relate to the narrator more.

Personally, I like the second rhyme scheme where everything rhymes; it was very well done. However, the first one didn't turn out as great. It felt forced at times. Either the line lengths varied too much or you stuck in strange words to make it rhyme.

Very nice job!
7/22/2008 c1 172DefineBeauty
i like the rhyming format you used here, but certain lines/rhymes seem a little bit forced, i think it's because some lines have fewer or more syllab;es than others and it throws it off, making the rhyming seem forced...i don't know

i like the idea behind it though. my favorite line is the last one. it doesn't really sound mean or make a final point or anything, it's just stated in a matter of fact way, and i think thats cool.

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