Just In
for To Infinity

10/19/2008 c1 102Aomera
hm well I like it. Your use of words is beautiful - pregnant moon, caterpillarcocoonbutterfly etc too.

Trying to think of ways it could be improved, since you ask, I dunno if you agree - but in some ways in comes across as this torrent of ideas, a wonderful torrent but perhaps in should be separated a bit? The punctuation is fine but perhas breaks would make where ideas start and end clearer? e.g:

Extending an icy arm,

the wind takes me (the stars are calling me home and)

I ascend; drift above the world


I ascend; drift above the world

and the city, in all it's coldsteeldecadence

is asleep, curled in on

itself in a spiral-shell of

transience, changing (caterpillarcocoonbutterfly)


I dunno - only ideas that popped into my head!

I love it though, you use words so well.

Have a good weekend :)
7/22/2008 c1 102The Hippie Nerd
A whole year in a slump? I'm sorry to hear that- those slumps can be nasty and unforgiving. But at least it looks like you're out of it! I quite enjoyed this poem, the amalgamation of certain words gave it a quirky style and its own sense of character. It also gave the piece a bigger impact and doesn't seem to just be for show. I love the opening arm describing the icy arm of the wind.

There were other poetic, lovely lines I liked here too: "born from the ashes lying / in the grave of yesterday's gold," "waiting to be born, I told you, / and your laughter woke the world," and more. Even though the last line slightly confuses me, it still works really well and italicizing it somehow makes it more emotional and impactful.

In terms of critique, I would say overall I may not quite understand the meaning of the poem as a whole. However, it's so lovely and comes together with such character and emotion that doesn't seem to matter much. A lot of great allegory and a good flow to it. Keep on writing, don't be afraid to take chances and give in to the quirks (the parentheses and bringing together of words really do add to the piece). Good luck with any future poetry, and bravo for this one!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service