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for the shattered world

7/23/2008 c1 The Real Thing
The only punctuation you use is the comma and the lines are very short. That makes it very abrupt and it seems like it's constantly cutting off. You need to put 'I' instead of 'i'. It gives it a juvenile look if you don't capitalize it. Often you put "your" instead of "you're". Errors like that tend to get the reader's attention (if they're anything like me) and they lose focus on the actual meaning of the poem.

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