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8/8/2008 c4 2The Jab
I didn't see many problems at all. A few times you had "Humphreys" instead of "Humphrey's" which isn't a bad mistake.

Otherwise, I see nothing wrong. Honestly, my reviews are more thourough when people screw up.
8/4/2008 c4 7Axel Scott
This work is rather good. A lot of dialogue, but i do the same thing unless i'm consciously trying not to. Good description... the only thing i feel you need to correct is that in some occassions I was hard to tell who was who. Perhaps because you introduced too many too soon. But, as the story progresses, that should resolve itself. Kudos.

-Axel Graham Chime
7/31/2008 c3 2The Jab
Besides the fact that "later" is spelled wrong in the first sentence, I didn't see anything big. Maybe it's because it's 1 AM here. Haha. Maybe I'll read this over again tomorrow.

It actually made me feel kind of smart because I know who Nyx is. Just had to do a greek mythology PP, but I got like last pick and ended up with Nyx's son, Charon. How boring. Hades was taken. So was Poseidon. They knew I wanted Poseidon. Bastards. Haha. She's the goddess of darkness, right?
7/29/2008 c2 The Jab
Wow, what an improvement in format. It's so much easier to read now. I'm seeing a lot more contractions, but I'm still seeing some problem with the apostrophes. Several times there were no apostrophes where they should be. Another time I noticed that you not only missed the apostrophe, but the I in I'm should be capitalized. But that's simple grammatics.

It was good. Introduced a lot of characters. Maybe some more physical description and personality description of the characters would help.

When there's more than two people in a conversation, it's smart to note who said the sentences in quotations. When Humphrey says "May I say something?" I got extremely confused. After running through the sentence one more time it was obvious, but it makes it easier on the reader. You could have put "May I say something?" Humphrey interjected "..."

Overall, it was good though. The difference between the two chapters is astounding.
7/27/2008 c1 The Jab
Okay, I thoroughly read through it and nitpicked like you wouldn't believe. I came up with nine points to improve upon and a few positives.

1. You need to watch your "its" and "it's". The term "its" implies possession. Like "A cat pranced through the meadow. Its paws softly, but quickly, patting along the beds of flowers and grass." You use "its" because the paws belong to the cat. Now it's is a contraction. A contraction is a combining of words by substituting an amount of letters with an apostrophe. The contraction "It's" is a shortening of "it is" The second "i" is replaced with an apostrophe. An example of where you made this mistake is your first sentence. "Its so dark." should be "It's so dark." Remember, it is so dark. Something doesn't own so dark. Your mistake count for this is: 3 times.

2. I feel like it should be "I can taste the dark...", but on the other hand, this paragraph is obviously meant to be a thought process. Therefore these small truncated thoughts are okay. I like the phrasing though.

3. Here's another contraction problem. You use cant, but cant is a contraction and is properly written as "can't". It's obviously a shortened version of cannot. While in #1 both terms being confused were words, yet this is a simple spelling mistake. Does your text editor have spell check? Mistake count: 2

4. "Why did I have to go to school, I could just stay here and read or something." has two problems. You're doing the thought processy thing again. Here, it doesn't work so well. I would say "Why did I have to go to school while I could just stay here and read or something like that?" Second problem is, you forgot the question mark. That's a simple mistake though and I'm sure you know where a question mark belongs.

5. Another contraction beef. A few times you used Im instead of I'm. IM is an instant message. I'm is a contraction meaning "I am". Mistake Count: 2

6. You seem to be ending sentences with a comma rather than a period. It's a hard mistake to explain and it's a common one too.

7. Indent once in a while. I can’t follow. I have to highlight to figure out what line to go to. After a thought, indent and make it into a new paragraph.

8. I like your verbs, though. Specifically "ambling"

9. "Ambling toward the bathroom I shared with my brothers and sister" should probably be "Ambling toward the bathroom that I shared with my brothers and sister"

10. Homework was done, all papers were in my binder. Use an “and”. Like "My homework was done, and all the papers were safely in my binder." I use a lot of adverbs and adjectives.

There's my first chapter review. I'll be your beta if you wish.

Happy Writing

The Jab
7/24/2008 c1 53Katie Nicole
I liked this! I like the way you write, you're descriptive and make things easy to understand.

It does leave the reader feeling slightly curious as to what's going on, which is good.

But I did notice quite a few typos, and I would recommend breaking the big, block paragraph up a bit, as it would make it a lot easier to read.

I especially loved the beginning, in italics, and that you could "taste the dark air" on your tongue.

Great job! Might need a little editing, but I would like to see where you go with this.


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