for Welcome to the Game7/29/2008 c1 
10Koki Enwai
As far as concrit goes, S.M. Saves already said what I was going to mention. . .
It looks to be an intriguing idea, however, if not a little hard to follow. I'd love to read more, though.
- Koki
10Koki EnwaiAs far as concrit goes, S.M. Saves already said what I was going to mention. . .
It looks to be an intriguing idea, however, if not a little hard to follow. I'd love to read more, though.
- Koki
7/28/2008 c1 19S. M. Saves
The sound effects (which I'm assuming they are) such as (beginning of cry, whimpering from the ground, etc) cut into the flow of the piece. It may seem more natural if the ones who are assaulting her say "What are you crying for?" or "Stop whimpering like a dog!". It'll also make the attackers more malicious.
Other than that, well done.
19S. M. SavesThe sound effects (which I'm assuming they are) such as (beginning of cry, whimpering from the ground, etc) cut into the flow of the piece. It may seem more natural if the ones who are assaulting her say "What are you crying for?" or "Stop whimpering like a dog!". It'll also make the attackers more malicious.
Other than that, well done.