for Why Go On?4/14/2009 c1 Carus
Hi Bubbles! Here's your April Fool's review :)
First off: I hatehatehate the fact that there's no punctuation other than commas. I don't think it works (for me) in this poem... after the last line i find myself expecting more, another stanza or something. Because there's no full stop (period, lawl) it seems unfinished to me. I know it's deliberate, but my inner grammar nazi hates it :P
I like your use of -ing words (can't remember the name; past participles or something, not sure). I think that the ones you've chosen really get across the ideas you're aiming for in the poem :) Plus because it's in present tense it is all immediate to the reader.
I like the presence of light in the poem, and how you've explored it to mean many different things. I also found the contrast between light and dark in the first stanza a bit confusing. If the light (and silence) is "hurting, mocking, tearing me" then I'd assume the dark to be the opposite, and therefore something positive, but it isn't. Though you could say it is, because the light is active, and the dark isn't.
I LOVE the alliteration in the second stanza, with all the 'p's. I think 'p' is quite a harsh sound, so if the poem is read aloud the reader/speaker gets the impression that yes, the persona's like may be perfect, patterened and prudent, but the persona is not happy with that; they are angry.
And I've rambled. :D
-Amy/Karas
Hi Bubbles! Here's your April Fool's review :)
First off: I hatehatehate the fact that there's no punctuation other than commas. I don't think it works (for me) in this poem... after the last line i find myself expecting more, another stanza or something. Because there's no full stop (period, lawl) it seems unfinished to me. I know it's deliberate, but my inner grammar nazi hates it :P
I like your use of -ing words (can't remember the name; past participles or something, not sure). I think that the ones you've chosen really get across the ideas you're aiming for in the poem :) Plus because it's in present tense it is all immediate to the reader.
I like the presence of light in the poem, and how you've explored it to mean many different things. I also found the contrast between light and dark in the first stanza a bit confusing. If the light (and silence) is "hurting, mocking, tearing me" then I'd assume the dark to be the opposite, and therefore something positive, but it isn't. Though you could say it is, because the light is active, and the dark isn't.
I LOVE the alliteration in the second stanza, with all the 'p's. I think 'p' is quite a harsh sound, so if the poem is read aloud the reader/speaker gets the impression that yes, the persona's like may be perfect, patterened and prudent, but the persona is not happy with that; they are angry.
And I've rambled. :D
-Amy/Karas
12/29/2008 c1 
24fairies and snapple
I like... hm. How to put it. The way you use really unexpected words, but then when I looked back over it, they just seemed natural. Like "prudence." But I think the "dark, dreary, death of my world" is a bit much. I liked the second stanza better.
24fairies and snappleI like... hm. How to put it. The way you use really unexpected words, but then when I looked back over it, they just seemed natural. Like "prudence." But I think the "dark, dreary, death of my world" is a bit much. I liked the second stanza better.
11/3/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Freebie review from Frac :D
I like the slight repition in the structure. It worked well without being too obvious.
I also liked the line "why go on, why go on." It really intensified the hopeless and pleading feel of the poem.
Great work! :)
2dragonflydreamerFreebie review from Frac :D
I like the slight repition in the structure. It worked well without being too obvious.
I also liked the line "why go on, why go on." It really intensified the hopeless and pleading feel of the poem.
Great work! :)
11/2/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
"unbelievable light/lulling me to sleep"... I didn't like those two lines because they seemed almost positive with the word choice unbelievable and lulling. Then you go back to negative except in the second to last line, but that sounds more sarcastic so it works, but this just confused me.
I also think maybe this would work well has two stanzas, just to emphasize how their formatting matches up.
That said I like the piece, your descriptions are really great and I like the alliteration. I especially like the word choice "patterned, prudence"
612simpleplan13"unbelievable light/lulling me to sleep"... I didn't like those two lines because they seemed almost positive with the word choice unbelievable and lulling. Then you go back to negative except in the second to last line, but that sounds more sarcastic so it works, but this just confused me.
I also think maybe this would work well has two stanzas, just to emphasize how their formatting matches up.
That said I like the piece, your descriptions are really great and I like the alliteration. I especially like the word choice "patterned, prudence"
8/24/2008 c1 23fatbird33
guess what? this was also written on my birthday! WOT! wow, that must've been one bad day!
this poem is uber depressing, but well written nonetheless
23fatbird33guess what? this was also written on my birthday! WOT! wow, that must've been one bad day!
this poem is uber depressing, but well written nonetheless
8/11/2008 c1 2eine.hexe
I noticed in your two poems that you like keeping a pattern and making the poem seem two-piece. It's refreshing and nice altogether.
This seems to bring out a few strugles you had... Well at least, sketch it slightly.
In this poem you seemingly have an inner fight with light, which is kind of a paradox, since the light should calm the inner torment and chaos. I love the way you used this :)
Keep up the good work.
2eine.hexeI noticed in your two poems that you like keeping a pattern and making the poem seem two-piece. It's refreshing and nice altogether.
This seems to bring out a few strugles you had... Well at least, sketch it slightly.
In this poem you seemingly have an inner fight with light, which is kind of a paradox, since the light should calm the inner torment and chaos. I love the way you used this :)
Keep up the good work.