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for Running To Stand Still

10/26/2008 c1 6Shelly McCoy
This is KBPBJ from the Review Game for you.

Things I liked: I really enjoyed the ending, because it was so different from what I expected. I anticipated your main character punching the guy rather than throwing him out the bus window. However, it did seem unrealistic for him to do that, considering the fact that the bus windows probably wouldn't be open and that he could have killed the guy.

Things to work on: Personally, I think you could have more success in descriptions if you switched your story to third person. All the foul language in his dialogue and then the same manner of speaking in the narrative detracted from his... unique... way of speaking.

Also, I think you kind of just went through his day without any description. You introduced the characters, but in kind of a bland, muted way.
10/19/2008 c2 1Alleks
You got a good glop of drama in here, but it doesn’t seem to flow smoothly, as if there’s something that needs to tie it all together. I’m not sure if that’s coming later in the chapters, but so far it seems more like a list of daily events. Also, unless this is a satirical piece, it…doesn’t really fit well. I can’t tell if you’re just making up things according to how you imagine this particular high school is or if you’re just making fun of the stereotypical no-brainers by kicking up and misplacing slang and jargon. I only read to the end of the second chapter, but I can already tell it’s not quite my style.
8/21/2008 c1 1Narc
Your characters sound interesting. You've obviously put some thought into their personalities and try to stick to them, which is good.

This chapter didn't flow very well for me. It was a lot of 'this happened, then this, then we went to class, then I saw my sister on the bus, etc.' It could use some transitions to make everything work together. As it is, it's very choppy.

As a beginning, I don't think this chapter worked as a hook. There was no conflict that wasn't related to everyday occurrences that happen all the time. It was all just introductions to the characters, without a hint of what the plot's going to be. You really want to try to make the first chapter something that will snag the reader, because most people decide if they're going to keep reading or not in the first page or so.

The dialogue was amusing and it worked. The characters sound like typical teenagers, try way too hard to sound cool. Pretty realistic.

There were several grammatical errors I found. This chapter could probably use a quick scan through, though I'm not really one to talk because I'll have typos and such that I never find until someone else points them out. For instance 'was his first words' should be 'were'. 'Carmel skin' shouldn't be capitalized. 'he started smirking' should be capitalized. Minor things really that are probably all typos. Just stuff to watch out for.
8/20/2008 c1 3Mouse Mitterand
Good main character. Anger issues, I like it, though I wish you would have elaborated a lot of parts! Like throwing that guy out the window, that would have been fun to read in full. Also, it would have been nice to see some kind of personality in one of the female characters . . . but that's just me. After all, everyone is a person and everyone has their own world revolving around them. To each person, they're an incredibly full character.
8/19/2008 c1 4Kinderwhore
"What did I do next?

I threw him out of the bus window."

^ These lines made me snort; I loved the dry humour.

To be honest, this story didn't really grip me; I found it really hard to empathise with the main character, which I think is pretty important in a first-person story. I also didn't find him very believable either: there's more to being a guy than just saying "fuck" and "yo" and being overly-protective of his kid sister. I hope you don't mind me saying that...

Oh, I also noticed a typo:

"He mirrored his reply to mine’s" -You don't need the apostrophe s here, as "mine" is already indicative of possession.

Er, yeah, that's all I've got. Sorry this wasn't more helpful; I can't really go into detail about the characters/plot until I've read a few more chapters, and this was pretty short...
8/19/2008 c1 anonymous
He's fifteen and he has a mouth of a twenty year old sailor. Tsk tsk tsk. May I ask how old YOU are...son? Or perhaps...daughter? :p

Anyway...looks promising. Your grammar needs to be brushed up. Sentence structuring as well. But plot-wise...quite promising. Do you have a beta? I seriously recommend you a beta. You'd be surprised by how many talented people go on to be better with betas. *waves a peace sign*

You've got a fan in me yet
8/14/2008 c1 5groovi-gal-numba1
nice story!

your characters are very likeable and believeable! but i'm sure you get that all the time! lol!

OH and yes, you had me laughing. I love a funny story!

but it was too short! lengthen it up a bit please!

In the dialouge theres a bit too much swearing. Its good to have a swear word here and there, but too much and it just gets irritating. kay?

good work!

xoxox groovi
8/12/2008 c2 24Serenity Takaishi
Commas, punuation... adn i think spelling.. you should get yourself a beta! otherwise, i'm still loving where this is going! i'm going to try and keep up with the chapters.. update soon!
8/11/2008 c2 1Master Judgment
The dialogue is very funny and keeps me interested in the story, especially the dad's semi-psychotic rant. I also like how the main character talks to the readers and how the plot is gradually unfolding

I guess one thing I disliked was some grammar errors I caught (MS Word can't always find everything. Try reading your story out loud to yourself to fix them). You can also get a Beta Reader. I would volunteer, but I'm not one.

I like how the story is going. Please continue.
8/11/2008 c2 4chel bel
Not too bad. I'm glad to see this chapter was longer and more descriptive :) I still had a couple problems with it, however. One thing was grammar. I saw a few sentences missing commas and things like that, so you might want to look it over more carfully next time.

Another problem I had with this was the setting changing. What I mean is how, in the beginning, the setting changes from Evan being at home and then suddenly he's in school, and there's nothing to let the readers know about this change. Also I found it wierd when in one paragraph you say that Evan took off to go to class, and then suddenly he's back with Carmello and being introduced to Iris. So just make sure you make sure you let the readers know about the scene change.

Anyway, I think the rest of it was decent, and I did find the part with Evan and Iris pretty humorous. Although I didn't like the line about most black people having bad hair (but I guess that's a personal thing anyway). But anyway, good job and I look foward to an update! Keep it up!
8/11/2008 c1 24Serenity Takaishi
the way you describe things.. you should just say it not relally describing that, if that makes sensse... you hould re-read things, to make sure you didn't forget commas and letters... haha or hire a beta (:

but i like where it's going, seems to be a good high school story.
8/4/2008 c1 4chel bel
I like the idea of this. It seems like it's going to be fun to read as it progresses. However, there were some things I didn't like. This is more of a personal preference, but the swearing seemed to be just a little excessive. Maybe you could cut down on that. There are plenty of other ways to show anger. Also the pacing seemed to go fast. You might want to incorporate more detail into the story to lengthen it out a bit. Finally, the ending just seemed a bit unrealistic. Throwing someone out the bus window? I'll admit it was funny, but it just doesn't seem like that's something that could really happen. Overall, I think you have a good story in the making. With a little work this could turn out great. Keep it up :)
8/4/2008 c1 10Riley Pickett
Review game!

One thing I liked: Your characters were pretty believable. Sometimes they delved into cliches: gorgeous best friend, annoying younger sister, etc. However, write full summaries of your characters, and I think this problem will be eliminated.

One thing I didn't like: The profanity was a little gratuitous. While some people like it and think it adds intensity to a story, I feel as though some authors throw it in just to prove they can write anger. Sometimes, profanity isn't needed to display intense emotions. Work on using descriptions of a character's body language or tone of voice and maybe the profanity won't be needed.
8/4/2008 c1 22Kalitena
Your main character seems to be coming along nicely. Your descriptions are good, and the story has a good tone to it. Your characters are very real.

I did notice a couple minor mistakes with the spelling and grammar that you might want to watch out for. Also, I think that for first person this seems kind of impersonal. There is very little emotion on Evan's part. We know what he does, so now show us how he feels when he does it.

Nice story though.

Kali
8/1/2008 c1 6concerto49
Some interesting remarks and the way the main character went on was what gave this story some life. I felt that you missed a bit in terms of describing the characters' reactions to things. You capture what they say and what they do, but not enough on their emotions. Surely, like with the main character you explain what is happening, not as much on their actual feelings.

It definitely feels young, and I think if that's the feel you're trying to create, that was good. It was lively and light too - so much for the humor. Perhaps you could also work on your sentences and phrasing a little.
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