for Heavy Handed3/28/2009 c1 Isca
So, do we craft our own fate, our are we subject to the will of an all-powerful being? I feel like there has to be some way that we do both. Perhaps we all have choices, but only a certain amount, which can shape our lives in numerous ways, so that we still choose while following God's plan? Just a thought. Anyways, I liked this poem, it's very thought-provoking! :)
So, do we craft our own fate, our are we subject to the will of an all-powerful being? I feel like there has to be some way that we do both. Perhaps we all have choices, but only a certain amount, which can shape our lives in numerous ways, so that we still choose while following God's plan? Just a thought. Anyways, I liked this poem, it's very thought-provoking! :)
8/2/2008 c1 Orual
Personally, I try not to worry about repeating themes in my writing. For one, it isn't often that a reviewer will have read all of your earlier works, but more significantly, no one ever does a theme justice in a single write. Have you ever really said all there is to say, or even all you meant to say?
Especially in this topic, a single poem can't cover it. It's too important an issue to be left alone. I like the way you lay out the options-to take control of your own life and do the best you can with it, though you will certainly do a poor job, or to submit control to another, unseeable and quite beyond understanding.
At first, I was ambivalent towards your Invictus reference (It's interesting that so many poets respond to the assertations of Invictus). The adjustment you made didn't seem like anything more than an attempt to make the idea more your own. Fortuntely, I thought about it (funny how that helps) and found that, really, it is quite a significant change-the artificer builds, while the master merely orders from afar. Along with "to become," this emphasizes the active role an uncertain narrator faces, and sets up a nice contrast with submission.
Though I don't quite follow why "a life is a shameful thing to have," what bothered me the most in this poem was the jarring rhythm created by your punctuation in the third stanza. You have, in my opinion, about twice as many commas as you need, and they make the section difficult to follow. I would take out the commas around "and misuses," and would eliminate either the comas around "wholly" or those around "By its very intrusion."
Personally, I try not to worry about repeating themes in my writing. For one, it isn't often that a reviewer will have read all of your earlier works, but more significantly, no one ever does a theme justice in a single write. Have you ever really said all there is to say, or even all you meant to say?
Especially in this topic, a single poem can't cover it. It's too important an issue to be left alone. I like the way you lay out the options-to take control of your own life and do the best you can with it, though you will certainly do a poor job, or to submit control to another, unseeable and quite beyond understanding.
At first, I was ambivalent towards your Invictus reference (It's interesting that so many poets respond to the assertations of Invictus). The adjustment you made didn't seem like anything more than an attempt to make the idea more your own. Fortuntely, I thought about it (funny how that helps) and found that, really, it is quite a significant change-the artificer builds, while the master merely orders from afar. Along with "to become," this emphasizes the active role an uncertain narrator faces, and sets up a nice contrast with submission.
Though I don't quite follow why "a life is a shameful thing to have," what bothered me the most in this poem was the jarring rhythm created by your punctuation in the third stanza. You have, in my opinion, about twice as many commas as you need, and they make the section difficult to follow. I would take out the commas around "and misuses," and would eliminate either the comas around "wholly" or those around "By its very intrusion."
7/31/2008 c1 
2Divegirl
That wasn't so good. Constructive critisizm. That's what his is. IT'S NOT THAT GOOD! Work harder, and try to FEEL what you're writing, and don't just write. Write what you feel and what you believe, not stuff that doesn't make sense...
2DivegirlThat wasn't so good. Constructive critisizm. That's what his is. IT'S NOT THAT GOOD! Work harder, and try to FEEL what you're writing, and don't just write. Write what you feel and what you believe, not stuff that doesn't make sense...
7/31/2008 c1 306Ashelin
Interesting. Though it partly sounded less like a poem (that is in poetic flow) than perhaps an essay, I found that you brought up some good points. At the beginning, the first line is true, though I can't understand if the next three are things you believe in or partly remnants of your "misdeeds" or should I say "mis-thoughts"? /I/ just didn't agree with them, so I was wondering at your reasoning. I liked your use of "Artificer" within the poem, because it brought more interesting metaphor than just the blunt thoughts you seemed to be recording. I had to read the lines "To submit, wholly...back into noting," because at first I thought you were saying that /God/ would be the thing that which intrudes and misuses, but of course I read over it again and found I was wrong. Though the poem isn't compiled of new thoughts, really, how many are? And these ones are as important as any other. Good job.
306AshelinInteresting. Though it partly sounded less like a poem (that is in poetic flow) than perhaps an essay, I found that you brought up some good points. At the beginning, the first line is true, though I can't understand if the next three are things you believe in or partly remnants of your "misdeeds" or should I say "mis-thoughts"? /I/ just didn't agree with them, so I was wondering at your reasoning. I liked your use of "Artificer" within the poem, because it brought more interesting metaphor than just the blunt thoughts you seemed to be recording. I had to read the lines "To submit, wholly...back into noting," because at first I thought you were saying that /God/ would be the thing that which intrudes and misuses, but of course I read over it again and found I was wrong. Though the poem isn't compiled of new thoughts, really, how many are? And these ones are as important as any other. Good job.