for THE BIG DATE8/31/2011 c1 suganya
very nice
very nice
9/13/2008 c3 
53writer1211
more more more, i'm fully atticted now i still wondering what is happening when they go out and where they are going gah so many mystroies and why is that girl blue? so many questions i hope they get answered
53writer1211more more more, i'm fully atticted now i still wondering what is happening when they go out and where they are going gah so many mystroies and why is that girl blue? so many questions i hope they get answered
9/13/2008 c2 writer1211
chapter two ahah was amsuing and what did cree do kiss a kid ? you have just the right balance of mystory and romance and its addicting and good job on the awkward situation off to chaoter three
chapter two ahah was amsuing and what did cree do kiss a kid ? you have just the right balance of mystory and romance and its addicting and good job on the awkward situation off to chaoter three
9/13/2008 c1 writer1211
hmm interseting i can't wiate to get to the nnext chapter
oh i review each chapter... i hope you don't mind it's a hard habbit to break
hmm interseting i can't wiate to get to the nnext chapter
oh i review each chapter... i hope you don't mind it's a hard habbit to break
9/5/2008 c2 TheRealRogue
Hey I liked this chapter a lot; I spent the first part saying " come on Cree! Go out with him again!" I'm glad she finally agreed to it. One question, do they live in like dorm rooms next to the school? Are they in high school or college? And another thing, I could figure out that Reese is not like them, he has no powers and that; am I right? And I liked Reese's description a lot ;-)
Hey I liked this chapter a lot; I spent the first part saying " come on Cree! Go out with him again!" I'm glad she finally agreed to it. One question, do they live in like dorm rooms next to the school? Are they in high school or college? And another thing, I could figure out that Reese is not like them, he has no powers and that; am I right? And I liked Reese's description a lot ;-)
9/3/2008 c1 TheRealRogue
Hey! I liked this a lot. Everything was so well described, I could actually see the girls, wandering around in the bedroom, Millie admiring her nails, lol, and everything. I also realize that there are a lot of movement verbs I should learn, such as "plopping back down", to "snatch" an object, and that kinda stuff; I don't wanna always use the same words, you know what I mean? Anyway, this story seems really fun, it was unexpected the girl with the blue skin, but you told me they had powers, so it's really cool :-D
Hey! I liked this a lot. Everything was so well described, I could actually see the girls, wandering around in the bedroom, Millie admiring her nails, lol, and everything. I also realize that there are a lot of movement verbs I should learn, such as "plopping back down", to "snatch" an object, and that kinda stuff; I don't wanna always use the same words, you know what I mean? Anyway, this story seems really fun, it was unexpected the girl with the blue skin, but you told me they had powers, so it's really cool :-D
8/29/2008 c3 1KIMrox
I love Reese and Cree's relationship. It's so cute and you can really tell its "young love". I hope it intensifies to more than that, like showing that they really need each other. Overall I like the concept of this part, who isn't a victim of rumors?
1KIMroxI love Reese and Cree's relationship. It's so cute and you can really tell its "young love". I hope it intensifies to more than that, like showing that they really need each other. Overall I like the concept of this part, who isn't a victim of rumors?
8/29/2008 c2 KIMrox
Oh this part is super good. This story seems so realistic to me, which I like. It's easy to connect with and the characters are simple and true. The part about the boy dying is keeping me guessing, and I hope that night gets portrayed in a future part. Good work!
Oh this part is super good. This story seems so realistic to me, which I like. It's easy to connect with and the characters are simple and true. The part about the boy dying is keeping me guessing, and I hope that night gets portrayed in a future part. Good work!
8/29/2008 c1 KIMrox
I really like Part One. It really kept me intrigued as to what happens next. My only suggestion is that it might need a little more details. Maybe, when you introduce each character, you could add more about their appearance and the reason it ties into their personality. Other than that I think you are doing a great job! :)
I really like Part One. It really kept me intrigued as to what happens next. My only suggestion is that it might need a little more details. Maybe, when you introduce each character, you could add more about their appearance and the reason it ties into their personality. Other than that I think you are doing a great job! :)
8/26/2008 c1 1FirstBloom13
Hey!
this is firstbloom, and you told me to check out your story to see if it would fit in my C2, and I must say I rather like it so far. the topic matter is similar to my story lighthearted, but you approach it in a much different way. I will look forward to adding you as a staff ^_^
1FirstBloom13Hey!
this is firstbloom, and you told me to check out your story to see if it would fit in my C2, and I must say I rather like it so far. the topic matter is similar to my story lighthearted, but you approach it in a much different way. I will look forward to adding you as a staff ^_^
8/25/2008 c1 1Lozrii
It's a pretty good first chapter.
Your dialogue seems very natural and flows well, as does the general pace of the chapter.
Blue skin? Poor girl.
The only thing that disrupted the flow for me was the physical descriptions; I found myself inadvertently skipping over bits. Maybe you could ease it in more? Also, some readers can be put off by a long physical description, prefering brief mentions of certain things and then using their own imagination.
Also, maybe you could show some character perks rather than telling; you mention that Millie takes great care in her appearance. You could show that by having the character applying make up more than she needs to, or by having her glance into shiny surfaces. Just an idea.
Other than those two things, I don't think there's much that you can improve on, and I look forward to reading more :)
1LozriiIt's a pretty good first chapter.
Your dialogue seems very natural and flows well, as does the general pace of the chapter.
Blue skin? Poor girl.
The only thing that disrupted the flow for me was the physical descriptions; I found myself inadvertently skipping over bits. Maybe you could ease it in more? Also, some readers can be put off by a long physical description, prefering brief mentions of certain things and then using their own imagination.
Also, maybe you could show some character perks rather than telling; you mention that Millie takes great care in her appearance. You could show that by having the character applying make up more than she needs to, or by having her glance into shiny surfaces. Just an idea.
Other than those two things, I don't think there's much that you can improve on, and I look forward to reading more :)
8/24/2008 c3 8Dotyky
I really like where this is going! It's easy to get a real feel for the characters, would like to see more :)
8DotykyI really like where this is going! It's easy to get a real feel for the characters, would like to see more :)
8/22/2008 c1 2Nocturne Authoress
First chapter and I'm already hooked.
Your characters seem very real and you've managed to make me feel bad for Jenny. Your characters are so believable. All of them have some sort of appeal and draw in a reader.
The only thing I'd say is not to dump physical description on all at once. It's not such a bad thing that you did it because to be honest a lot of writers do it, but first appearances of characters shouldn't make you feel like you need to describe everything about them.
Reese and Cree seem to have a -nice- relationship going on and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.
Great story so far! You're very talented.
2Nocturne AuthoressFirst chapter and I'm already hooked.
Your characters seem very real and you've managed to make me feel bad for Jenny. Your characters are so believable. All of them have some sort of appeal and draw in a reader.
The only thing I'd say is not to dump physical description on all at once. It's not such a bad thing that you did it because to be honest a lot of writers do it, but first appearances of characters shouldn't make you feel like you need to describe everything about them.
Reese and Cree seem to have a -nice- relationship going on and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it.
Great story so far! You're very talented.
8/15/2008 c2 12PandaPanda
I enjoy following your dialogue very much.
I like my fiction with a side ordering of witticism ;D
Great job. And this chapter was wrapped up with an adorable ending.
oh, just one thing:
“Butter, eggs, milk, orange juice, ahh, becon.”
did you mean bacon?
12PandaPandaI enjoy following your dialogue very much.
I like my fiction with a side ordering of witticism ;D
Great job. And this chapter was wrapped up with an adorable ending.
oh, just one thing:
“Butter, eggs, milk, orange juice, ahh, becon.”
did you mean bacon?
8/15/2008 c1 PandaPanda
Woah. Blue skin? Certainly not anything of the ordinary.
I like your dialogue, it make your characters real, which helps draw in readers. Especially since it is the first chapter. Just be careful not to turn the story into a script. Note the surroundings as well. I'm not saying that you have too much dialogue, because your dialogue is great, it ups the pace of the story. But we should also get more of the feel of the atmosphere.
I would advise you to work on your physical descriptions a little, they seem a little too obvious, if you know what I mean. Just try to ease in the hair colour, eye colour and clothing. Like if a character rolled her eyes were played with her hair, describe it there. Never let the first appearance of a character pressure you into describing their every detail to the readers, you'll have more chances later to piece together the puzzle that exhibits that character's appearance.
Woah. Blue skin? Certainly not anything of the ordinary.
I like your dialogue, it make your characters real, which helps draw in readers. Especially since it is the first chapter. Just be careful not to turn the story into a script. Note the surroundings as well. I'm not saying that you have too much dialogue, because your dialogue is great, it ups the pace of the story. But we should also get more of the feel of the atmosphere.
I would advise you to work on your physical descriptions a little, they seem a little too obvious, if you know what I mean. Just try to ease in the hair colour, eye colour and clothing. Like if a character rolled her eyes were played with her hair, describe it there. Never let the first appearance of a character pressure you into describing their every detail to the readers, you'll have more chances later to piece together the puzzle that exhibits that character's appearance.