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8/2/2008 c2 3Tar Heel
Hey there again. Nice chapter you've got here. I really enjoyed the flow of this one. You told the story through mostly scenes, and it made even such a long chapter seem to go by effortlessly.

There are minor issues here and there. I still think Lay may be a little too self aware, but that was toned down in this chapter, and only crops up in certain places. Another problem you have is describing some of the characters - Brooke especially. You use similar or the same words to describe him several times. You talk of his windblown hair, first of all, even though you say it would be impossible for it to be windblown. That's definitely something you should cut out. If it is impossible for it to have gotten that way, it doesn't make sense for it to be that way.

Another thing is talking of his voice as soothing and lyrical. That's fine, but you use the same lines almost every time he speaks, and it starts to be a little too much. This was just in one chapter - imagine what will happen when you have all of them written? You want to try and avoid describing things the exact same way, because it is redundant, especially when they are so close together.

You also had a few minor grammar mistakes. Still, these are small issues. I really enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to what's going to happen next.
8/1/2008 c1 Tar Heel
Hey, I read through this, and I like the idea of it.

A couple things you may want to keep in mind, however. First of all, try varying the types of sentences you use a little more. You do a pretty good job with this actually, but in some parts I feel like a lot of the sentences were very similar, and it made it have sort of a dull tone.

The main issue I have with this though is not immediately telling us what most of these capitalized words mean. Yes, we can probably make an educated guess as to their meaning, but it leaves the reader confused. I think you were trying to go for mystery, but you instead left us unable to understand what exactly the narrator is talking about. Instead of my reading, hoping to find out what they mean, I'm just wondering what's going on.

Another problem I can see is that the narrator is a little too self aware for my liking. Granted, this is in past tense, so maybe that can explain some of it. But it seems like, to me at least, she knows a little too much about what's going on. It might make a little more sense to use a little bit less internal dialogue and tell us all the things she's talking about through scenes, instead. You should always make sure to show the reader, not just tell them. You shouldn't say "I'm sad," you should show what the character is doing that makes them seem sad. Relating this to your story, instead of spending a whole page in internal dialogue, why not give us a scene or two that shows an example of a time someone came back from a flinching. It would make it more interesting to read, and would really help to flesh out the world, which it looks like you've spent a lot of time working out in your head.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I really enjoy the idea behind your story, and the implementation is not bad at all. If you add in a few more scenes, and try and get a little cleverer in explaining the world, I think this story could be great.

I really enjoy dystopian stories, and so I'm anxious to see where this one is headed.

Feel free to email me if you'd like to discuss this story some more.
7/31/2008 c1 1LoveRehab
I have to say, your writing style is great! The way the main character narrates is just as the story would need, which is almost unemotional. I didn't find any errors, although I was a little confused on some parts. I'm sure that you will go more in depth later though. Good job! Keep Writing!

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