for Sign of the Gypsy Queen8/13/2008 c2 
1Just Nilla
-claps- Wow! I really like where you're going with this whole story idea! It's so creative! Haha, wish I were that good! Great work! Review time! There really wasn't too much I'd suggest working on, plot-wise. It's looking really good! There are some spelling and grammar mistakes here and there. Nothing bad. =D
"Those still out in the mid-day sun stopped to stare at the two gypsies, one official looking on a palomino, the other elegant and enigmatic with a resolved look on her face and decked with diamonds and emeralds riding a bay." This sentence could be split. It's good until it gets to describing Jade and then it gets a bit confusing. If you just split the sentence, though, that's it.
"Jade held her flute tightly, grasping at one of the last remainders of the Jade she had been not two hours before." I think the second "Jade should be something like "person" or "being" only because I got very confused while first reading it. =) I get confused often, though, so... I don't know. You decide.
"'So Jade-' Therrin started, but was cut off by a cold look and the beginning of protests by Ladon and Jade." I think this is hilarious. I do have one question, though. Jade didn't want Ladon to call her "Your majesty" because he was her advisor, right? But she doesn't want anybody else to call her "Jade", right? Just clearing that up. I was confused again... =3
I also really like your name choices! Jade's last name is perfect. It fits her and I love it! I really like Elistora and Ilax's names, too. I think you are absolutely amazing at making names! Fantastic job on your part!
And I didn't see much else to comment on. I really think this story has a lot of potential! It's so good! Your ideas are magnificent. Keep up the great work!
~Jen =3 =3
1Just Nilla-claps- Wow! I really like where you're going with this whole story idea! It's so creative! Haha, wish I were that good! Great work! Review time! There really wasn't too much I'd suggest working on, plot-wise. It's looking really good! There are some spelling and grammar mistakes here and there. Nothing bad. =D
"Those still out in the mid-day sun stopped to stare at the two gypsies, one official looking on a palomino, the other elegant and enigmatic with a resolved look on her face and decked with diamonds and emeralds riding a bay." This sentence could be split. It's good until it gets to describing Jade and then it gets a bit confusing. If you just split the sentence, though, that's it.
"Jade held her flute tightly, grasping at one of the last remainders of the Jade she had been not two hours before." I think the second "Jade should be something like "person" or "being" only because I got very confused while first reading it. =) I get confused often, though, so... I don't know. You decide.
"'So Jade-' Therrin started, but was cut off by a cold look and the beginning of protests by Ladon and Jade." I think this is hilarious. I do have one question, though. Jade didn't want Ladon to call her "Your majesty" because he was her advisor, right? But she doesn't want anybody else to call her "Jade", right? Just clearing that up. I was confused again... =3
I also really like your name choices! Jade's last name is perfect. It fits her and I love it! I really like Elistora and Ilax's names, too. I think you are absolutely amazing at making names! Fantastic job on your part!
And I didn't see much else to comment on. I really think this story has a lot of potential! It's so good! Your ideas are magnificent. Keep up the great work!
~Jen =3 =3
8/13/2008 c2 femalejonas
nice, a very good chapter, and you've expanded very well on the evil intentions of the king and queen, in how you mentioned simple things such as how the queen smirked behind her goblet of wine, and how you said the king and quen chose not to feel music, (which in my mind is a display of great evil) i also enjoyed how you've already made jade's character stronger, but you haven't forgotten how it was only a short while ago she became queen, and that she is still nervous of doing something wrong. Of course I am going t have to go back to the prologue to figure out what the topaz gem means in relation to music and the sign on her neck, perhaps writing this in a bold writing before the start of each chapter that refers to a gems power, it would make it easier for someone with a terrible memory like me.
This story is progressing quite nicely :)
nice, a very good chapter, and you've expanded very well on the evil intentions of the king and queen, in how you mentioned simple things such as how the queen smirked behind her goblet of wine, and how you said the king and quen chose not to feel music, (which in my mind is a display of great evil) i also enjoyed how you've already made jade's character stronger, but you haven't forgotten how it was only a short while ago she became queen, and that she is still nervous of doing something wrong. Of course I am going t have to go back to the prologue to figure out what the topaz gem means in relation to music and the sign on her neck, perhaps writing this in a bold writing before the start of each chapter that refers to a gems power, it would make it easier for someone with a terrible memory like me.
This story is progressing quite nicely :)
8/9/2008 c1 Just Nilla
Wow! I have to say that I am VERY impressed with this story. The details are very clear and obviously, you've spent a lot of time thinking about them. There were a few minor things here and there, but nothing earth-shattering.
"As soon as the gypsies had ceased dancing, they swung each other around and looked for the Sign of the Gypsy Queen, an inch or two below the hairline on the back of the neck. Suddenly a cry went up and the gypsies swarmed around a girl who had been hauling water from the river." Maybe there should be a better transition between the two sentences? I'm not sure what kind of transition I'd suggest. Just something to make it flow nicer, though.
"'The Gypsy Queen!' they whispered and knelt before the astonished adolescent." I just think this is a really good sentence! It makes me want to read more. Good job!
And I saw a few other trivial things, but nothing major. This is very creative! I can't wait to read more! Well done!
~WritingInTheSand
Wow! I have to say that I am VERY impressed with this story. The details are very clear and obviously, you've spent a lot of time thinking about them. There were a few minor things here and there, but nothing earth-shattering.
"As soon as the gypsies had ceased dancing, they swung each other around and looked for the Sign of the Gypsy Queen, an inch or two below the hairline on the back of the neck. Suddenly a cry went up and the gypsies swarmed around a girl who had been hauling water from the river." Maybe there should be a better transition between the two sentences? I'm not sure what kind of transition I'd suggest. Just something to make it flow nicer, though.
"'The Gypsy Queen!' they whispered and knelt before the astonished adolescent." I just think this is a really good sentence! It makes me want to read more. Good job!
And I saw a few other trivial things, but nothing major. This is very creative! I can't wait to read more! Well done!
~WritingInTheSand
8/7/2008 c1 femalejonas
sorta clicked submit review too early, heh heh
i wanted to finish by saying, please please PLEASE continue this story, as it has AMAZING potential :D
and if i ever work in the book publishing buisness, this would be the first i'd publish, because its started so strongly and i know you will do well in continuing it
sorta clicked submit review too early, heh heh
i wanted to finish by saying, please please PLEASE continue this story, as it has AMAZING potential :D
and if i ever work in the book publishing buisness, this would be the first i'd publish, because its started so strongly and i know you will do well in continuing it
8/7/2008 c1 femalejonas
wow, just wow, that is perfectly amazing, and i couldn't help but do voice from the very start, this is the PERFECT start to a long and magical story, i forsee a large battle taken place somewhere, and i can almost see how Jade shows amazing courage and bravery later in the story
bravo, *claps* bra-vo
i especially loved, how you made the king and queen seem fully against the gypsies so STRONGLY in a short space of writing, it takes talent to do that, and i love love LOVE how you made sure to give lots of details on the clothing and the sign, because clothing and tattoos are very important to gypsies, and i was pleased in seeing that you remembered gypsies always have scarves :)
although i didn't read anything about bangles ;-)
wow, just wow, that is perfectly amazing, and i couldn't help but do voice from the very start, this is the PERFECT start to a long and magical story, i forsee a large battle taken place somewhere, and i can almost see how Jade shows amazing courage and bravery later in the story
bravo, *claps* bra-vo
i especially loved, how you made the king and queen seem fully against the gypsies so STRONGLY in a short space of writing, it takes talent to do that, and i love love LOVE how you made sure to give lots of details on the clothing and the sign, because clothing and tattoos are very important to gypsies, and i was pleased in seeing that you remembered gypsies always have scarves :)
although i didn't read anything about bangles ;-)