for Breaking the Barrier4/23/2009 c10 
13Nicki BluIs
So short! I feel like you kida rused this chap. The tone is way more monologue-like than the other chapters. It's good because we get more insight into what he's thinking and feeling but it's also really bad cuz we in essence have no idea what happened. The logistics of the lie spreading are too important to gloss over.
On a grammar note there was lots of jumping back and forth from past to present.
Fix it. And then write more XD
Bubbles :p
13Nicki BluIsSo short! I feel like you kida rused this chap. The tone is way more monologue-like than the other chapters. It's good because we get more insight into what he's thinking and feeling but it's also really bad cuz we in essence have no idea what happened. The logistics of the lie spreading are too important to gloss over.
On a grammar note there was lots of jumping back and forth from past to present.
Fix it. And then write more XD
Bubbles :p
4/18/2009 c1 24Miss Bob
Heya Maya! This review has been gifted upon you by Frac, because she guessed my lie in the RG April Fools competition.
[I can’t see, without eyes; or hear, without ears; or even feel, without skin. No smells, no tastes; nothing but thought.] Oh good heavens, I absolutely love this line! It just jumped out at me while reading and will probably be with me for the rest of the day too. You've managed to list without making the sentence long or droning, and the simple links between the senses and the parts of the body works wonderfully.
:O Reincarnation? Oh...
Ha, I like your use of the word pop, onomatopoeia is always fun. Actually, the overall tone of this person is really well done; it's informal while still being informed (if that makes sense)
[If not, I become a human. ] Oh my, I really think I'm going to like where this is going, you've successfully turned the steroetype that reincarnation is good life=human on its head.
[Just the man who keeps the machine of life running smoothly.] I think that's a wonderful analogy, right there.
Overall, this is a fantastic first chapter and I shall read the rest soon, I'm hooked! :D
24Miss BobHeya Maya! This review has been gifted upon you by Frac, because she guessed my lie in the RG April Fools competition.
[I can’t see, without eyes; or hear, without ears; or even feel, without skin. No smells, no tastes; nothing but thought.] Oh good heavens, I absolutely love this line! It just jumped out at me while reading and will probably be with me for the rest of the day too. You've managed to list without making the sentence long or droning, and the simple links between the senses and the parts of the body works wonderfully.
:O Reincarnation? Oh...
Ha, I like your use of the word pop, onomatopoeia is always fun. Actually, the overall tone of this person is really well done; it's informal while still being informed (if that makes sense)
[If not, I become a human. ] Oh my, I really think I'm going to like where this is going, you've successfully turned the steroetype that reincarnation is good life=human on its head.
[Just the man who keeps the machine of life running smoothly.] I think that's a wonderful analogy, right there.
Overall, this is a fantastic first chapter and I shall read the rest soon, I'm hooked! :D
2/21/2009 c3 19Twyla Cole
Plot
Brilliant concept! I have never read anything quite like this. I would love to know where you got an idea like this! Very original.
Technique
You use humor very well. It is not to abrupt and in your face. But very natural. I love the irony of the whole situation.
Characters
Um...hm. I like your main character. However when you have him say things like "you could never possibly understand..." I get it, that you are trying to tell us that the feelings are huge and otherworldly. but try to make us understand. what would the basic feeling be? how magnifide? I only say this because when you get into "you could never understand" its a little condescending to your audience. take us with you, rather than telling us we are on the outside. we are reading so we CAN go with you on whatever trip it is.
Pace.
It definitely moves very well. Im glad you dont try to stretch it out. DOnt apologize for short chapters. sometimes, its all you need.
Truly,
Twyla
Playing The Review Game Stories-Depth
19Twyla ColePlot
Brilliant concept! I have never read anything quite like this. I would love to know where you got an idea like this! Very original.
Technique
You use humor very well. It is not to abrupt and in your face. But very natural. I love the irony of the whole situation.
Characters
Um...hm. I like your main character. However when you have him say things like "you could never possibly understand..." I get it, that you are trying to tell us that the feelings are huge and otherworldly. but try to make us understand. what would the basic feeling be? how magnifide? I only say this because when you get into "you could never understand" its a little condescending to your audience. take us with you, rather than telling us we are on the outside. we are reading so we CAN go with you on whatever trip it is.
Pace.
It definitely moves very well. Im glad you dont try to stretch it out. DOnt apologize for short chapters. sometimes, its all you need.
Truly,
Twyla
Playing The Review Game Stories-Depth
1/31/2009 c1 Link Broken
this was really creative. I know about reincarnation, but i never thought about what it'd be like since i don't believe in it. It was a great take on it. descriptive, but not boring.
this whole thing was very hooking, from the first paragraph all the way through. The contrast between model Christian and hitman was what really drew me in. then you use words like "boring" which makes me even more drawn in.
you have a talent of surprise. the reader is thinking one thing, but each sentence is shocking. that is a very rare but valuable talent. I hope you keep writing.
this was really creative. I know about reincarnation, but i never thought about what it'd be like since i don't believe in it. It was a great take on it. descriptive, but not boring.
this whole thing was very hooking, from the first paragraph all the way through. The contrast between model Christian and hitman was what really drew me in. then you use words like "boring" which makes me even more drawn in.
you have a talent of surprise. the reader is thinking one thing, but each sentence is shocking. that is a very rare but valuable talent. I hope you keep writing.
1/25/2009 c1 Left FP
This for the Review Game Freebie Fight:
I loved the concept of this fiction. The way it starts - by telling readers about the "world between lives". It humorous, and I had a lovely time reading through it.
The thoughts flowing in each of the separate paragraphs were extremely well-worked.
It's cute the way the 'spirit' is finally sent to earth in the form of a human child.
My favorite bit about the story was :It’s like this every time. Every bloody time between lives, always the same. Enough time to realise how much I screwed up in my last life, then, pop, and I find out if I’m going to be a human, cat, snail or tree. I’ve experienced them all, and more besides. My favourite? Venus fly trap. Perfect combination of tree and creature; with enough time to think and relax, but not being completely inactive. Although I wouldn’t mind being a sloth, or koala or something like that. Same deal.
This had be rolling around in my chair with laughter!
I didn't find anything to dislike about your piece. I find the concept extremely original and very intriguing...
Keep up the good work!
~Misty Elizabeth.
This for the Review Game Freebie Fight:
I loved the concept of this fiction. The way it starts - by telling readers about the "world between lives". It humorous, and I had a lovely time reading through it.
The thoughts flowing in each of the separate paragraphs were extremely well-worked.
It's cute the way the 'spirit' is finally sent to earth in the form of a human child.
My favorite bit about the story was :It’s like this every time. Every bloody time between lives, always the same. Enough time to realise how much I screwed up in my last life, then, pop, and I find out if I’m going to be a human, cat, snail or tree. I’ve experienced them all, and more besides. My favourite? Venus fly trap. Perfect combination of tree and creature; with enough time to think and relax, but not being completely inactive. Although I wouldn’t mind being a sloth, or koala or something like that. Same deal.
This had be rolling around in my chair with laughter!
I didn't find anything to dislike about your piece. I find the concept extremely original and very intriguing...
Keep up the good work!
~Misty Elizabeth.
12/27/2008 c1 9Dot Cubed
Ooh, I really like this beginning. It's very very intriguing, from the first line to the last. I especially like how seamless everything seems; you transition between paragraphs very well. I feel like you also describe the whole life/death thing in a way that I can understand it. I especially liked the last line-it had a sort of wry humor about it. Your poor main character!
The parentheses in the third to last paragraph bugged me, though. They seemed very unnecessary and really distracted me from what was going on in the paragraph. Just say 'communed' instead of 'said'-you don't need a parenthesis, because it's very distracting.
9Dot CubedOoh, I really like this beginning. It's very very intriguing, from the first line to the last. I especially like how seamless everything seems; you transition between paragraphs very well. I feel like you also describe the whole life/death thing in a way that I can understand it. I especially liked the last line-it had a sort of wry humor about it. Your poor main character!
The parentheses in the third to last paragraph bugged me, though. They seemed very unnecessary and really distracted me from what was going on in the paragraph. Just say 'communed' instead of 'said'-you don't need a parenthesis, because it's very distracting.
12/27/2008 c1 Chasing Skylines
I act on impulses when I'm angry or guilty, and this review is the latter...
Interesting start, and the repetition of certain words conveys the boredom.
"un fortunate enough to be trapped in humans."
'Un fortunate' should be linked together.
Well, now I know what got spoiled.
'So I decide that in my last life'
Should be decided, since you're talking about your last life, hence past tense.
Good start...
Will continue when sane and awake...
-Review Marathon, link in profile
I act on impulses when I'm angry or guilty, and this review is the latter...
Interesting start, and the repetition of certain words conveys the boredom.
"un fortunate enough to be trapped in humans."
'Un fortunate' should be linked together.
Well, now I know what got spoiled.
'So I decide that in my last life'
Should be decided, since you're talking about your last life, hence past tense.
Good start...
Will continue when sane and awake...
-Review Marathon, link in profile
12/27/2008 c3 Fractured Illusion
Review Marathon! Check out the link in my profile for more info.
Seriously, again with the laughing! Maya, you need to edit this, babies this young can't laugh. Stop making him laugh so much. D=
"She didn’t seem to get it"
"seem" isn't necessary. As if she knows her dead husband is now her baby. Just say "She didn't get it."
"An inside joke, I suppose."
Again, what's with the uncertainty? Where did he ever start to think she would realize this strange truth? "I suppose" gives the wrong ideas.
"He kills me, steals my wife and my child"
I am not the best concerning tenses, but it seems you have "kills" and "steals" in the wrong tense. I think it is supposed to be "killed" and "stole"
"It certainly made his heart beat a little faster"
As cool as the line is, how does he know of this? It doesn't make sense, he hasn't been given power to feel other's heartbeats...
Anyways, still liking the story, it is very unique (and I do not say this lightly). I want him to grow up soon though. He was said to be important and I am more interested in that at the moment XD
- Frac
Review Marathon! Check out the link in my profile for more info.
Seriously, again with the laughing! Maya, you need to edit this, babies this young can't laugh. Stop making him laugh so much. D=
"She didn’t seem to get it"
"seem" isn't necessary. As if she knows her dead husband is now her baby. Just say "She didn't get it."
"An inside joke, I suppose."
Again, what's with the uncertainty? Where did he ever start to think she would realize this strange truth? "I suppose" gives the wrong ideas.
"He kills me, steals my wife and my child"
I am not the best concerning tenses, but it seems you have "kills" and "steals" in the wrong tense. I think it is supposed to be "killed" and "stole"
"It certainly made his heart beat a little faster"
As cool as the line is, how does he know of this? It doesn't make sense, he hasn't been given power to feel other's heartbeats...
Anyways, still liking the story, it is very unique (and I do not say this lightly). I want him to grow up soon though. He was said to be important and I am more interested in that at the moment XD
- Frac
12/25/2008 c2 Fractured Illusion
Merry Christmas, you insolent twerp! *sniff* Your cruelty towards me will not hinder my Christmas spirit though! XD
So anyways: freaking awesome twist! He is his own son. *Dude!* That's just nasty. Loving it already. This is like a reversed Oedipus complex O.o
"So I sobered up and smiled, laughing like only babies can,"
Erm, have to inform you though: infants can't laugh until 2-6 months, normally. So I don't really buy that he laughs.
Also, you started the previous sentence with "So I", which makes it a redundant repetition since it doesn't seem like it serves any purpose. Just ditch the "So".
"a crib, to wait for"
Might just be me, but I don't think that comma is necessary since you speak of a thing directly related to the crib.
I find it really sweet that he would make sure his wife/mother feels loved, by screaming when she is not around. It's heartwarming that he still cares, heh. As a spirit in first chapter he didnt come across as emotional at all, you see.
The only problem so far is that I am having a hard time identifying the voice of the narrator as that of a 20+ year old man. But this I cannot help you with, since I am not an expert on how they think, obviously XD
Well, overall nice, sans the mentioned errors.
- Frac
Merry Christmas, you insolent twerp! *sniff* Your cruelty towards me will not hinder my Christmas spirit though! XD
So anyways: freaking awesome twist! He is his own son. *Dude!* That's just nasty. Loving it already. This is like a reversed Oedipus complex O.o
"So I sobered up and smiled, laughing like only babies can,"
Erm, have to inform you though: infants can't laugh until 2-6 months, normally. So I don't really buy that he laughs.
Also, you started the previous sentence with "So I", which makes it a redundant repetition since it doesn't seem like it serves any purpose. Just ditch the "So".
"a crib, to wait for"
Might just be me, but I don't think that comma is necessary since you speak of a thing directly related to the crib.
I find it really sweet that he would make sure his wife/mother feels loved, by screaming when she is not around. It's heartwarming that he still cares, heh. As a spirit in first chapter he didnt come across as emotional at all, you see.
The only problem so far is that I am having a hard time identifying the voice of the narrator as that of a 20+ year old man. But this I cannot help you with, since I am not an expert on how they think, obviously XD
Well, overall nice, sans the mentioned errors.
- Frac
12/22/2008 c9 OldMcdonald
its ok but i just dont think its too good but its good and i think it needs more humour not too much but more
its ok but i just dont think its too good but its good and i think it needs more humour not too much but more
12/19/2008 c1 Secret Santa
This is a really interesting take on what goes on after death and interactions between souls and "the real God." I also happen to have a soft spot for fics like this, especially human bashing ones. Humans think they're so great, but I like to see them put in their place and you do a fabulous job. :D
There's a good mix of humor and seriousness, especially well written about both loving and regretting bringing his son into the world. And when I read the part, "Although I wouldn’t mind being a sloth, or koala or something like that. Same deal." I actually thought you meant it was the same deal as the perfect mix between creature and plant and I laughed thinking, "those aren't part-plant!" But I understand now and it's still funny.
All I can really say to watch out for are some typos here and there and maybe some tense confusion. You wrote "un fortunate and I assume you mean unfortunate." But it's simple things like that. You did a great job. It was an easy and interesting read.
Merry Christmas, Mayo on toast!
Your Secret Santa
This is a really interesting take on what goes on after death and interactions between souls and "the real God." I also happen to have a soft spot for fics like this, especially human bashing ones. Humans think they're so great, but I like to see them put in their place and you do a fabulous job. :D
There's a good mix of humor and seriousness, especially well written about both loving and regretting bringing his son into the world. And when I read the part, "Although I wouldn’t mind being a sloth, or koala or something like that. Same deal." I actually thought you meant it was the same deal as the perfect mix between creature and plant and I laughed thinking, "those aren't part-plant!" But I understand now and it's still funny.
All I can really say to watch out for are some typos here and there and maybe some tense confusion. You wrote "un fortunate and I assume you mean unfortunate." But it's simple things like that. You did a great job. It was an easy and interesting read.
Merry Christmas, Mayo on toast!
Your Secret Santa
12/19/2008 c9 Tat cant bother 2 sign in
Wow! the title of the story has even more meaning now! I think the suicide thing is interesting. can I request a summary at the start of ur chapters.
Wow! the title of the story has even more meaning now! I think the suicide thing is interesting. can I request a summary at the start of ur chapters.
12/18/2008 c9 95Christy Leigh Stewart
This is really great. The voice of the story especially. For your first fic, I am very impressed.
95Christy Leigh StewartThis is really great. The voice of the story especially. For your first fic, I am very impressed.
12/17/2008 c1 3UndeadWithoutCoffee
What a beginning!
I liked about this the way you described the souls, it was so vivid even though these "objects" are neither feeling nor doing anything. The thoughts of this soul seem somewhat wise (like the thoughts of it´s existance as a father) and all the same childish (like that part where we se that is is somewhat lazy). It really made me smile several times.
And since I did not find a real dislike in the first chapter here is my second like: I found the end really interesting: How this being you call god told the soul about it´s task and about forgetting it all again afterwards, it made me courious what will happen next! I wonder what of it´s remorse what not enough to make it become a human again...
A great job you have done here and I will certainly be reading on!
3UndeadWithoutCoffeeWhat a beginning!
I liked about this the way you described the souls, it was so vivid even though these "objects" are neither feeling nor doing anything. The thoughts of this soul seem somewhat wise (like the thoughts of it´s existance as a father) and all the same childish (like that part where we se that is is somewhat lazy). It really made me smile several times.
And since I did not find a real dislike in the first chapter here is my second like: I found the end really interesting: How this being you call god told the soul about it´s task and about forgetting it all again afterwards, it made me courious what will happen next! I wonder what of it´s remorse what not enough to make it become a human again...
A great job you have done here and I will certainly be reading on!
12/16/2008 c9 13Nicki BluIs
Aw! My lil raincloud gave me a shout out via A/N! I feel so loved!
"So, humanity. Greedy, vengeful, stupid, and addicted to power. Racist, judgemental, and violent. They want power, and they want it for themselves. They knock out the competition as fast as possible to attain more."
Sigh. You know it's things like this that make you my RAINCLOUD and not my RAY OF SUNSHINE. I mean just because it's true doesn't mean you gotta say it like that!
But I all honesty this is great. This decision and plan is totally in keeping with the narrator's attitude since Chap 1. I mean have humanity destroy itself... genius. I can't wait to see what benign catalyst the narrator uses to spark this war. Oil? Land? WMDs?
Can't wait til the next update. I've got my popcorn made and everything :D
Bubbles
13Nicki BluIsAw! My lil raincloud gave me a shout out via A/N! I feel so loved!
"So, humanity. Greedy, vengeful, stupid, and addicted to power. Racist, judgemental, and violent. They want power, and they want it for themselves. They knock out the competition as fast as possible to attain more."
Sigh. You know it's things like this that make you my RAINCLOUD and not my RAY OF SUNSHINE. I mean just because it's true doesn't mean you gotta say it like that!
But I all honesty this is great. This decision and plan is totally in keeping with the narrator's attitude since Chap 1. I mean have humanity destroy itself... genius. I can't wait to see what benign catalyst the narrator uses to spark this war. Oil? Land? WMDs?
Can't wait til the next update. I've got my popcorn made and everything :D
Bubbles