11/11/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
Hello, I come here to give you a birthday gift! It’s The Review Game Forum’s first birthday today and at such us mods send reviews to those that have been important to the community. Thanks for hanging at our place! :)

Anyways you’ve most likely heard it before, but I find it very appealing and interesting that being a human is what you get when you think wrong/do wrong :p Ironic, and all, because we peg ourselves so high and mighty.

Venus fly trap comment made me smile. I like the narrator so far.

Ending had an awesome cliffhanger, for the record. I was like :o in real life. It shows great promise! Speaking of the ending, apparently there is a guy that assign roles or at least tells of what they will do. Another thing I like. It’s an interesting set-up, and that part actually made me think of the movie “Wanted” because it had it like that in a vague parallel sort of way. Ugh. Point is, I like that it was so organized, this order of things.

And revolutions are always interesting. I just hope the human character will be as good as the soul :o

-Frac

10/25/2008 c1 5groovi-gal-numba1
wow you had a really great opening. the concepts really hooked me straight away.

The plot is obviously great. Theres some interesting themes here. VERY VERY origional. i was reading just thinking WOW. the title really mirrors it too.

The spelling is adequete. I saw a few things here and there, but nothing to bad to distract from the story.

THe character is quite engaging - there is something very very special about them and that makes them intruiging. I want to know more about this soul. what it really is. at the moment as it has had many different paralell lives (evil and good) so its hard too tell what the character will be.

OVerall i found it extremely enjoyable. The plot concept kept me completely engaged the whole way through. very very very well done!

xoxox groovi

10/8/2008 c7 13Nicki BluIs
Hooray for updates! Your perspecitve on the human condition comes through loud and clear in this story so I applaud you. I like the amount of thought you put into this; Making him a hitman in his past life: excellent! The parallels between his situation as a hitman and his situation now are well crafted.

The fact that he is reluctant to do the job, and that we're not even sure if he's a hero or not is smart. I like the doubt you cast on "the authority's" intentions.

"The one thing it kept telling me was to never trust the Guardian, and that the Guardian would try to convince me against breaking the barrier; that influencing people is the Guardian’s strongest weapon."

By far my fave line. It made me smile cuz I knew EXACTLY what you were getting at and what is probably coming.

My only issue: Incest is gross, dude. I don't care if he's his own father and his mother's husband or whatever... it's still creepy. You better have had an amazing reson for making that happen. and that better not be the way all barriers have to be broken...

Bubbles

9/5/2008 c1 19Kyllorac
indulgences in that after life - Should be "afterlife" since it is referring to the specific place.

I can’t see, without eyes, or hear, without ears, or even feel, without skin. - Comma abuse! Get rid of the commas after see, hear, and feel. Also, since this is a negative case, "nor" should be used instead of "or".

No smells, no tastes, nothing but thought. - Semicolons would work better, especially after tastes.

I’ve experienced all, and more besides. - I believe you're missing an "it" before "all".

Perfect combination of tree and creature, with - comma splice

Spelling was decent overall, though there are a few words scattered about that need fixing. However, I suggest you brush up a bit on the conventions of comma/semicolon/colon usage. You comma splice a lot of sentences, forget a comma where one should be, and use commas where a semicolon or colon would be more appropriate. You also have a lot of sentence fragments that could be coupled with another sentence by use of colons/semicolons to improve the flow. Not all of these fragments need to be merged - they're very useful for adding emphasis - but there are too many of them and they make the reading choppy.

On the topic of flow, the writing is very redundant, especially with word choice. For example: "It’s like this every time. Every time between lives, always the same." Not only do these two sentences state the exact same thing, you use "every time" twice right next to each other. At the very least, changing one of the "every"s will make for smoother reading. The actual redundancy of the sentences, however, is okay. This redundancy fits with the overall tone and style of this chapter, so it isn't as annoying as the repeated words/phrases. Still, you might want to pare down the redundant sentences just a tad to make things more streamlined.

The plot seems quite intriguing thus far, due in no small part to the narrator. His frankness drew my attention most, and the fact that he knows what he wants cemented it. I do so love self-aware characters, and I wonder what he'll do and what role he'll play in his most recent life. I also found particularly nice the way you made this character special. That he will be unaware of his specialness makes it all the better.

Overall, this was an enjoyable first chapter. The premise is interesting, the character engaging, and the brief glimpse of the afterlife was very intriguing. The only thing that lessened my enjoyment was the comma issues; if you fix that, this chapter will become even stronger. Still, this story has captured my interest, and I'll be reading more.

8/23/2008 c5 13IceCream-Girl
wow this is great. I, like some other person who commented was wondering how you would keep this turning and twisting, something you seem to have done with ease. Also I am glad you did not make his being three-quarter spirit the sole reason the connection was kept between kai and spirit.

8/18/2008 c1 IceCream-Girl
Oh, wow. BTW: Yeah its me TJLOL. But back to your story, I love the concept! It's really interesting, how on earth did you get the inspiration? I could see this going really far. I'm really sorry but I don't have any critism, well except perhaps if I was being really harsh, (which I'm guessing you would want me to be)then I would advise you to rewrite some of the sentences to match the tone of the rest of your piece. Eg. The last sentence in th first paragraph "Three things that get extremely boring after a while." maybe use something less common speech such as "Three states that become extremely boring after a while."

8/17/2008 c4 103Jesse the Storyteller
"Any onlookers would assume they were lived under normal circumstances" in this sentence there were lived too many verbs. :P

I like the line "Souls watch their life through a one-way glass" ... that's a great image, especially since this guy is here to break the barrier and glass is capable of being broken.

"am I three quarters soul, and only one body" I think you mean one quarter body

"You all know that one already" I think it kind of takes away from the story to talk about the reader at this point... it goes along a lot better without this.

"To find out that the one woman you had loved unconditionally over two lifetimes, part of the reason that you needed the second" This sentence is incomplete... to find out, part of the reason... what? There should be a comma after second and give the rest.

"you’ve got the equivalent of torture. For therapy, of course. If I focus on the pain, I don’t think as much." This part confused me. What are you talking about?

Another amazing twist that I did not see coming. How are you going to manage to keep this up throughout the entire story? I have no idea, but it's incredible and you should definitely keep doing it!

It's okay if you don't know anything about babies - do a little bit of research and find out what babies act like if you have never really been around one. There are millions of websites out there to help new moms, poke around on them and see if it helps. :)

-Jesse

Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)