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for Breaking the Barrier

8/16/2008 c2 103Jesse the Storyteller
Well that was a neat turn of events! Even though you have really short chapters, you are captivating my attention. I never would have thought that the baby would be his own father... that's odd and interesting and makes me want to read more. Twice now you have done something that to my mind is original. I like this story, it seems very promising!

"The doctor cut my umbilical cord and, after wrapping me in a woolly blanket, handed me to my mother" this line is repeated twice... bad fictionpress. :)

It seems so real, the description of his emotions and thoughts and the difficulty he has of calling her mother not wife. It would be even more real if he was incredibly sensitive and picked up on all of her nonverbal cues - even more so than it is right now. It's still good, but I think that you could make it stronger so that it shows how much he really knew her.

I really do wish, though, that your chapters were slightly longer. Not too long (those are so exhausting to read) but longer than what they are. You could put this chapter and the one before it into one with a line dividing them and they would still turn out very well.

8/16/2008 c1 Jesse the Storyteller
I really like how you ended this chapter - "No gum leaves for me this time, then." It was cute. And the word "gum leaves" makes me laugh.

"I didn’t know to what I was condemning somesoul." .. did you mean some soul?

In the 3rd to last paragraph, all of the stuff in parenthesis was REALLY distracting. I know you were trying to have the reader keep in mind that he's floating in some kind of unreal place, but really... it's just kind of tedious to have to read the exact same thing said two different ways over and over again.

I like the personal monologue-ness going on in this chapter, ruminating over their life and things. I think that you don't really need to describe how the system works so much as the character's personal feelings, since that's the part that is most easy to connect with.

This is incredibly intriguing. It's a very interesting way to start out a story, and as far as I know I haven't seen this done quite like this before. :) Can't wait to see how this ends up!


Attack of the review marathon! (link in profile)
8/16/2008 c1 19Rhea Valente
Hehe, I like this.

I read the three chappies then went away and read your profile page then came back to leave a chappie. I was going to add the story to my alerts and leave a review later on, but that would be rude. So here I am and here is my review:

I like your writing style, the character is crystal clear and I love him... him, it? For ease I'll say he, "Kai" after all. Very interesting concept... fathered himself, so to speak. I'm not too sure about it, hence why I was planning on leaving a better review a few chappies down the line. I'm really looking forward to reading how you'll continue this! Thumbs up from me so far; I couldn't pick out any spelling/grammatical errors so looks like it's all go. :) Update soon!

~ Wolfeh
8/16/2008 c3 LozzyTheAussie
I like the way how the opening chapter was presented - it was an interesting concept. I was a little confused about the birth though; in the first chapter you mentioned souls forget their previous existence of the their past lives, but here the baby can remember its murderer and wife. Is there a specific reason for this? Unless I misread some of it, I'm sorry O_O'

However, this is one of the more creative stories I've read for a very long time, and worth the time too despite a little confusion along the way :) I look forward to any future chapters.
8/6/2008 c2 13Nicki BluIs
Although this chapter was interesting enough to make me want to read more of this story, I must admit it was a bit... Oedipal. I understand perhaps the wife/mother (see how weird that is?) is integral to the plot but maybe they could have been reunited some other way. And I was under the impression the soul would forget about past lives once born. If that were the case the wife/mother situation wouldn't be an issue until whenever his destiny is revealed to him.

Anyway keep writing. Can't wait to see what you do with it.

PS - Why did you say you don't know what to write? Do you not have a plot figured out yet?
8/4/2008 c1 3ScrapBucket
I like your idea a lot, but I think you need to refine your writing a bit. Sometimes your wording was nice, other times you fumbled a bit, unable to convey what you wanted in a consice manner. keep working at it though! You definately have potential.
8/4/2008 c1 3Eternity Memory
I liked the view-point of a soul reflecting on his past lives before he forgets again. It's pretty interesting.

However, I don't think you really need to describe the hit man the soul was in with a different pronoun. The soul WAS the hit man, right? First person would still work with that.

Oh, and the bar in the middle is really unnecessary. It kind of threw me off.
8/4/2008 c1 13Nicki BluIs
Since you asked so nicely, I'm happy to oblige.

I liked the concept of the story. It is a strong foundation for an action/adventure story and has a lot of potential. (Of course, it is also quite easy to mess up since it takes alot of creativity and imagination to write a hero story that's not cliche.

Some things threw me off a little bit. I was surprised that you revealed so much information in the first chapter. Unless ths chapter is to be considered a prologue, it is usually more fun (for me at least) to reveal info as the protagonist discovers it (you did say this soul was going to forget everything the god-being "communed" to it, right?)

Also the section where you describe the soul's life as a hitman is confusing because you are essentially using to two pronouns to refer to one antecedent. It took me awhile to realize that you didn't make a mistake; that "I" refers to the soul and "he,his" refers to the human. I have no suggestions on how to fix that; maybe you could just read it over one more time and see what you can do.

I'm all critiqued out. This first chapter raised the bar pretty high for your first fic so do good!

Nicki BluIs
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