for The Prey2/18/2010 c1 
29Star's Snowflake
Holy cow! What an exciting story here! Are you leaving it off as just a short?
*S. Snowflake.
29Star's SnowflakeHoly cow! What an exciting story here! Are you leaving it off as just a short?
*S. Snowflake.
8/11/2008 c1 Symphony of Colors
A bit on the short side. I like your descriptions but you kinda gave away the entire first chapter in your story description...
Good start, though! Just write ALOT more next time.
A bit on the short side. I like your descriptions but you kinda gave away the entire first chapter in your story description...
Good start, though! Just write ALOT more next time.
8/9/2008 c1 8Sundown
You obviously have a strong idea of where you want this story to go and there is an interesting idea behind it.
There are a few cases of awkward phrasing and even OVER-telling that stagger the flow of the story a little. Sometimes, especially when aiming for a suspenseful scene, snappier descriptions can give the reader enough information to process but also still leave them curious and they will want to read it fast to get to the next bit - it can be a little more effective. For example:
"Despite the fact that I only aroused from my sleep moments ago, I felt as alert as if I had been awake for hours. "
You could easily cut out the 'despite the fact that...' section and just make the sentence "I felt as alert as if I had been awake for hours" - the reader KNOWS that this character has just been woken up so we don't need to know AGAIN that the character had been woken up.
and
"pushed them out in front of me and snapped them together a few times. I was hardly threatening, though. I just looked like someone cutting their hedges. The one in the black suit found it a bit humorous."
The image of the part is quite funny, and shows a bit about your character which is good. A fair bit of comedy is generally in snappiness. This image could be strenthened a tad with something like
"I threatened them with the scissors, snapping them together a few times. I looked like someone cutting their hedges."
By saying that the mad found it a 'bit' humorous also detracts from it - if he laughs then its obvious he found it funny.
Anyway, sorry I get a little swept up in my reviews :). You have the basis for an interesting story here, and good luck with your future chapters! a good start!
8SundownYou obviously have a strong idea of where you want this story to go and there is an interesting idea behind it.
There are a few cases of awkward phrasing and even OVER-telling that stagger the flow of the story a little. Sometimes, especially when aiming for a suspenseful scene, snappier descriptions can give the reader enough information to process but also still leave them curious and they will want to read it fast to get to the next bit - it can be a little more effective. For example:
"Despite the fact that I only aroused from my sleep moments ago, I felt as alert as if I had been awake for hours. "
You could easily cut out the 'despite the fact that...' section and just make the sentence "I felt as alert as if I had been awake for hours" - the reader KNOWS that this character has just been woken up so we don't need to know AGAIN that the character had been woken up.
and
"pushed them out in front of me and snapped them together a few times. I was hardly threatening, though. I just looked like someone cutting their hedges. The one in the black suit found it a bit humorous."
The image of the part is quite funny, and shows a bit about your character which is good. A fair bit of comedy is generally in snappiness. This image could be strenthened a tad with something like
"I threatened them with the scissors, snapping them together a few times. I looked like someone cutting their hedges."
By saying that the mad found it a 'bit' humorous also detracts from it - if he laughs then its obvious he found it funny.
Anyway, sorry I get a little swept up in my reviews :). You have the basis for an interesting story here, and good luck with your future chapters! a good start!
8/9/2008 c1 6concerto49
Wow... interesting thought of having the bed struck my lightning. That must be scary. Your imagery and comparisons used did give this story more power. Surely, it's a quick introduction to something and not much is known yet.
I'd avoid over using conjunctions. It made the flow a little choppy. Perhaps sentence variation and better link between them is the key here. Perhaps I'd use short sentences to add to how fast paced this occurred, and give the start a bit more suspense before the action begins. I'd go for a bit more description of the people - at least a bit, for example for strength comparison and all.
6concerto49Wow... interesting thought of having the bed struck my lightning. That must be scary. Your imagery and comparisons used did give this story more power. Surely, it's a quick introduction to something and not much is known yet.
I'd avoid over using conjunctions. It made the flow a little choppy. Perhaps sentence variation and better link between them is the key here. Perhaps I'd use short sentences to add to how fast paced this occurred, and give the start a bit more suspense before the action begins. I'd go for a bit more description of the people - at least a bit, for example for strength comparison and all.