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for What the Future Holds

1/30/2010 c1 3MAYBExsomeday
Gramatically, I couldn't find error, so kudos for that!

I loved your summary though, it pulled me straight in. Honestly, I think it had something to do with seeing the penguin part of the summary (:

But this is good; a basic, solid beginning for your story. Interested to see how you progress through this, and the different POVs.
3/10/2009 c1 12SuzannaR
Nice start!

I like the story so far, the premise of it is unusual. I haven't read a lot about fortune tellers and they have always fascinated me.


"...watched as the studied my hands and tracing her finger along the lines"- watched as SHE studied...and TRACED..

"It kept wondering to other.."-wandering

The fortune teller was funny. I kinda expected her to sound like that psychic on tv with the Jamaican accent...that would have been totally cliched!

Good job!

12/21/2008 c1 19Graveside Rose
You do what I do. Start many stories and then can't be bothered to update.

Or if your like me, you tend to just go back on the same chapter editing lol.

Never the less. This seems like a really good story.
8/12/2008 c1 10Koki Enwai
Descriptions were awesome. You have a brilliant way with words. Other than that, I can't find anything to say. No concrit here.

Keep up the good work!

- Koki
8/12/2008 c1 19Kyllorac
I stared back at the woman who had just spoken to me. - This sentence struck me as very repetitive. I suggest getting rid of the "to me" since it is already implied by the dialogue.

and when she smiled a couple - comma needed after "smiled"

It kept wondering - wandering

cranked up to its maximum amount - Rendundant. "cranked to maximum" or "at maximum cold" is better

What she could have in store for us I didn’t think even that fortune teller could predict. - Did you intend this as a question or a statement?

The fortuneteller scene was pretty funny. I liked how Jayde reacted to the whole scenario, and how she almost ran out without paying.

I didn't point out all of them, but you should go back and read through to catch redundancies, missing commas, and misphrased sentences. These things really jumped out at me and jerked me out of the story, which lessened my enjoyment a bit.

Overall, though, it's a good start. :D
8/12/2008 c1 Liquid Spear Waltz
The descriptions were very good, but I still don't know who the main protagonist is, really. This chapter was fast paced but could still keep readers guessing at the same time. I sure want to see where you're going with this...
8/12/2008 c1 7LiberryBooked
I really liked your descriptions because they were very detailed and thorough. I would have preferred more description of the main characters rather than the fortune teller, but that'll probably come later in the story huh?

You also did a good job of expanding on the dimensionality of the characters with scattered descriptions. This was a very enjoyable read.


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