for Pretty in Pink9/16/2011 c1 DeeVah
You had me at "Bubble Gum Pink Hair". That's not true. You had me at the start with the utter drudgery of mundane existence that most of us must endure. You have captured my senses and imagination. I look forward to the next installment of your wicked style.
You had me at "Bubble Gum Pink Hair". That's not true. You had me at the start with the utter drudgery of mundane existence that most of us must endure. You have captured my senses and imagination. I look forward to the next installment of your wicked style.
9/14/2008 c1 
3Neoteric-figment
Aw come on Paula, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of glam rock.
So-much-pink. That’s the first thing that sticks out to me after reading this. But my dislike of said colour aside, this was pretty darn enjoyable. It felt a little quick for me too. I think you could get away with leaving some of your others as one shots but this would benefit from having some additional chapters. Character-wise, they’re just kinda…I don’t know. I’m not really endeared to either of them yet.
As to the ‘did I guess the twist?’ question, (and I went into this knowing there would be one,) nope. I actually feel quite stupid because even after the reveal…I still didn’t quite get it. I had initially presumed this to be another one of your 'boy meets girl' type stories. When I read the name part, I jokingly thought to myself, ‘It’s short for Samantha’ then at the end I had a moment of…wait so, huh?….Oh! Heh.
That's all on me though, the way you set it out was indeed very clever. You gave many hints without giving too much away.
3Neoteric-figmentAw come on Paula, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of glam rock.
So-much-pink. That’s the first thing that sticks out to me after reading this. But my dislike of said colour aside, this was pretty darn enjoyable. It felt a little quick for me too. I think you could get away with leaving some of your others as one shots but this would benefit from having some additional chapters. Character-wise, they’re just kinda…I don’t know. I’m not really endeared to either of them yet.
As to the ‘did I guess the twist?’ question, (and I went into this knowing there would be one,) nope. I actually feel quite stupid because even after the reveal…I still didn’t quite get it. I had initially presumed this to be another one of your 'boy meets girl' type stories. When I read the name part, I jokingly thought to myself, ‘It’s short for Samantha’ then at the end I had a moment of…wait so, huh?….Oh! Heh.
That's all on me though, the way you set it out was indeed very clever. You gave many hints without giving too much away.
9/11/2008 c1 Rob
Soft porn and alcohol, what more could a guy want?
I especially liked the ending. hehe
Soft porn and alcohol, what more could a guy want?
I especially liked the ending. hehe
9/1/2008 c1 11Kirrithian
Freebie review, courtesy of Sparkles.
A well written short story. It takes some skill to develop a gender anonymous character like you have done, and it only improved the twist at the end- A brilliant idea, it caught me totally by surprise. I also like the imagery, as it was very good, and flowed with the story- a pitfall for many writers.
Overall, a good story.
- Kirrithian
11KirrithianFreebie review, courtesy of Sparkles.
A well written short story. It takes some skill to develop a gender anonymous character like you have done, and it only improved the twist at the end- A brilliant idea, it caught me totally by surprise. I also like the imagery, as it was very good, and flowed with the story- a pitfall for many writers.
Overall, a good story.
- Kirrithian
8/25/2008 c1 Bug
I love the twist at the end! Very good. :)
I love the twist at the end! Very good. :)
8/22/2008 c1 2dragonflydreamer
Very interesting story. It's certainly refreshing to read considering all of the crappy romance I've been reading lately.
Your description was very good. It was descriptive, but not too flowery for this type of story. It was interesting yet easy to read.
I got a feeling that Sam was a girl when Paula first asked about her name, but I thought that was just my mind jumping to that kind of conclusion, so I was pleasantly surprised by the end. If I hadn't already liked this as I was reading, the end definitely would have sealed the deal.
Great job!
2dragonflydreamerVery interesting story. It's certainly refreshing to read considering all of the crappy romance I've been reading lately.
Your description was very good. It was descriptive, but not too flowery for this type of story. It was interesting yet easy to read.
I got a feeling that Sam was a girl when Paula first asked about her name, but I thought that was just my mind jumping to that kind of conclusion, so I was pleasantly surprised by the end. If I hadn't already liked this as I was reading, the end definitely would have sealed the deal.
Great job!
8/17/2008 c1 FuckMeAlice
Hah! No way! I thought for sure it was a guy until the end. Wow. That was really well written. It took me a little while to get into, but it was worth it. Good on you.
-Stardust, new bartender at the Roadhouse.
Hah! No way! I thought for sure it was a guy until the end. Wow. That was really well written. It took me a little while to get into, but it was worth it. Good on you.
-Stardust, new bartender at the Roadhouse.
8/16/2008 c1 Aussie Dave
Nicely done, did not see the ending there coming. Very clever!
Nicely done, did not see the ending there coming. Very clever!
8/15/2008 c1 criti-sized
Wow, I was impressed at theoutcome of the story. Though somehow I saw Sam getting with Paula at the end of the night, I didn't see it, lol. This short was nice and very entertaining. The quirky quips in it were good as well, and they flowed smoothly.
C.S.
Wow, I was impressed at theoutcome of the story. Though somehow I saw Sam getting with Paula at the end of the night, I didn't see it, lol. This short was nice and very entertaining. The quirky quips in it were good as well, and they flowed smoothly.
C.S.
8/15/2008 c1 14Thoughtful Silence
This was a great little piece. The dialogue retained a continuous flow throughout, and was actually realistic (a feat actually quite rare to FP). I especially liked ""Too forward? Uncomfortable because we don't have names yet? I'm Paula. You know, like in that old 60s song," singing she added, "Hey, hey Paula."" This really felt like one of those confident introductions which usually makes one feel awkward.
The description was good, just try to even it out a bit; in some places there is a tad too much, and in others, not quite enough.
While I thought Sam was a bit too impulsive, I loved Paula's kinda 'who gives a shit attitude' and, added with the slight implications as to maybe past heartbreak with her ex, this made for an intersting character.
The ending was perfect. I mean, I liked this as much as to wish it was longer, but I think the length really does do it justice. Though I'll admit I did have an inkling of Sam being a girl when Paula said ""That would be short for...""
As to grammar/ syntax... it was generally very well done. One thing that confused me was why you started a new paragraph at "Nate's room was as sparse as Music's was crowded..."
"The thought that it should be me dancing with her sprang in immediately" - I would probably change 'sprang in' to 'sprang to mind'.
"Easily tripled" - The 'easily' seemed redundant to me.
"Opaque stare" - Although I liked the abstract image this implies, it doesn't make sense.
By the by, I thought it was refreshingly to see a piece of Romance fiction written by a guy. It always adds a unique twist.
Anyways, this was good. Keep up the work.
- Silence, courtesy of The Roadhouse.
14Thoughtful SilenceThis was a great little piece. The dialogue retained a continuous flow throughout, and was actually realistic (a feat actually quite rare to FP). I especially liked ""Too forward? Uncomfortable because we don't have names yet? I'm Paula. You know, like in that old 60s song," singing she added, "Hey, hey Paula."" This really felt like one of those confident introductions which usually makes one feel awkward.
The description was good, just try to even it out a bit; in some places there is a tad too much, and in others, not quite enough.
While I thought Sam was a bit too impulsive, I loved Paula's kinda 'who gives a shit attitude' and, added with the slight implications as to maybe past heartbreak with her ex, this made for an intersting character.
The ending was perfect. I mean, I liked this as much as to wish it was longer, but I think the length really does do it justice. Though I'll admit I did have an inkling of Sam being a girl when Paula said ""That would be short for...""
As to grammar/ syntax... it was generally very well done. One thing that confused me was why you started a new paragraph at "Nate's room was as sparse as Music's was crowded..."
"The thought that it should be me dancing with her sprang in immediately" - I would probably change 'sprang in' to 'sprang to mind'.
"Easily tripled" - The 'easily' seemed redundant to me.
"Opaque stare" - Although I liked the abstract image this implies, it doesn't make sense.
By the by, I thought it was refreshingly to see a piece of Romance fiction written by a guy. It always adds a unique twist.
Anyways, this was good. Keep up the work.
- Silence, courtesy of The Roadhouse.
8/15/2008 c1 15heart shaped box x3
I've never been good at reviewing stories, but I rather liked this short story. Your writing style intrigues me very much.
Great write!
-Drea {heart shaped box}
15heart shaped box x3I've never been good at reviewing stories, but I rather liked this short story. Your writing style intrigues me very much.
Great write!
-Drea {heart shaped box}
8/15/2008 c1 8Violent Messiah
Ha! That was awesome! I've been reviewing an awful lot of romance stuff as of late (don't ask why), but this has to be one of my more enjoyable to read.
The pacing was great for a short story, the dialog sounded natural and flowed well, and the characters seemed pretty rounded, again for a short story. I especially liked Paula. Music knowledge and drinks vodka like water, while rocking pink hair? Made of pure win, that one.
But the end...the end was the deal sealer. Didn't see it coming and with Sam's dialog and behavior, why would I? This little story kind of reminds me of the music group Prodigy's video for the song "Smack My Bitch Up", and that was cool, just like this story.
Couple minor errors in spelling but no biggie, the story makes up for it. Nice job.
(This review has been brought to you by The Anti Silence Squad at The Road House. Cheers!)
8Violent MessiahHa! That was awesome! I've been reviewing an awful lot of romance stuff as of late (don't ask why), but this has to be one of my more enjoyable to read.
The pacing was great for a short story, the dialog sounded natural and flowed well, and the characters seemed pretty rounded, again for a short story. I especially liked Paula. Music knowledge and drinks vodka like water, while rocking pink hair? Made of pure win, that one.
But the end...the end was the deal sealer. Didn't see it coming and with Sam's dialog and behavior, why would I? This little story kind of reminds me of the music group Prodigy's video for the song "Smack My Bitch Up", and that was cool, just like this story.
Couple minor errors in spelling but no biggie, the story makes up for it. Nice job.
(This review has been brought to you by The Anti Silence Squad at The Road House. Cheers!)
8/14/2008 c1 2Tog
This is an interesting piece. From the title and the opening few lines I knew "Sam" was a girl, but as the narrative progressed Sam gets painted farther and farther into the corner as a guy. I found myself wondering why I thought Sam was female initially and strangely enough it was the receiving a text. Not that there is any gender role there but in my experience it's a more female thing to send/receive txt messages. So as the narrative plays along Sam seems pretty masculine, references to manual labor in a plant, an easy banter with the roommates. Although the focus on a perfume brand hints toward feminine, most guys would notice the scent but not give it a name other than "flowery", "sweet", or some such. A woman is more likely to know a scent by name.
I really liked that there was no give away to Sam's gender when Paula proposed to swear off men, because a man would ask "What about me?" Very similar to Sam's question. Reinforcing the Sam's a dude impression.
Only one question about the flow of the story. It seems to happen way too fast. It seems like a 5 minute scene in what should be an hour or more of a party... Unless Paula really moves that fast...
Anyway, Big Kudos. Very interesting read.
2TogThis is an interesting piece. From the title and the opening few lines I knew "Sam" was a girl, but as the narrative progressed Sam gets painted farther and farther into the corner as a guy. I found myself wondering why I thought Sam was female initially and strangely enough it was the receiving a text. Not that there is any gender role there but in my experience it's a more female thing to send/receive txt messages. So as the narrative plays along Sam seems pretty masculine, references to manual labor in a plant, an easy banter with the roommates. Although the focus on a perfume brand hints toward feminine, most guys would notice the scent but not give it a name other than "flowery", "sweet", or some such. A woman is more likely to know a scent by name.
I really liked that there was no give away to Sam's gender when Paula proposed to swear off men, because a man would ask "What about me?" Very similar to Sam's question. Reinforcing the Sam's a dude impression.
Only one question about the flow of the story. It seems to happen way too fast. It seems like a 5 minute scene in what should be an hour or more of a party... Unless Paula really moves that fast...
Anyway, Big Kudos. Very interesting read.