for With My Life As in Trusting4/29/2011 c15 Hate to be a downer
You really need to edit this. Really. The grammar is okay, but the plot and quality of writing are not. At all.
I would take this down while you edit. That way, no innocent readers have to go through the torture that is this story.
Sorry for being mean: I usually try to leave a compliment on my reviews but I couldn't think of anything.
You really need to edit this. Really. The grammar is okay, but the plot and quality of writing are not. At all.
I would take this down while you edit. That way, no innocent readers have to go through the torture that is this story.
Sorry for being mean: I usually try to leave a compliment on my reviews but I couldn't think of anything.
4/16/2009 c15 
2Fanboy's Raven
if u ever get bored, rewrite this in more detail and extend things.
everything happens a bit too quickly.
and at the start, when she enters the shop/store, sludge is the cashier in his early twenties?
and the other two "customers" in the shop, no mention of their age/appearence etc, even though they become fairly important characters?
and sludge also appeared to be older then he is later on...
it's a good plot, cliche at times, but a good read.
be careful of spelling mistakes and/or grammar...
yeah my main point is extend it more, and try to build images of the characters.
2Fanboy's Ravenif u ever get bored, rewrite this in more detail and extend things.
everything happens a bit too quickly.
and at the start, when she enters the shop/store, sludge is the cashier in his early twenties?
and the other two "customers" in the shop, no mention of their age/appearence etc, even though they become fairly important characters?
and sludge also appeared to be older then he is later on...
it's a good plot, cliche at times, but a good read.
be careful of spelling mistakes and/or grammar...
yeah my main point is extend it more, and try to build images of the characters.