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8/19/2008 c1 2Kyra Reinhilde
hey there...

This story has real potential, but i'm not sure if i would stick around after reading it. it seems a little green, but with a little work and a couple rewrites i'm certain you can improve it.

in this chapter, you make a lot of simple mistakes. You don't provide much insight into your character at all. what was she thinking? feeling? why had she snuck away? does she have any thoughts regarding le'neh the dragon, besides the fact that she's known him a long time and he will not harm her? these things help the reader to connect more powerfully with your story.

the second half (using that as anything past the line break) is very emotionally disconnected. why is the queen dying? would a dying person really give such a speech on their death bed? why is there no tension in the room? what's the atmosphere like? the total lack of detail seems to me to be very rushed- and though on occasion one may feel the need to rush a story out to get it to your readers ASAP, that is never the best course of action.

I also noticed your writing seems clunky and unnatural when spoken aloud. Try reading it out loud- it MUST be aloud, no cheating- and rewording anything that sounds odd. you're writing a fantasy story but that doesn't mean your characters have to speak in wordy passages that make little sense.

All in all you have a lot of potential. i think this needs a rewrite, but remember everyone goes through that.
8/18/2008 c1 Punksheep
its brandi :3 i thought i would at least check out chapter 1 for now, seeing as how i have a bit of time before i need sleep. Its been a long while since i gave someone a review, im a bit rusty but i hope i help out a bit.

the first thing i notice that bothers me is this:

"She smiled gently and placed a hand on his head, fondly patting him gently."

-Gently. you say it twice in one sentence, and while you use it to describe 2 separate things, thats a no-no! the second 'gently' isnt even important, because you already describe the pat on the head as a "fond pat" and im pretty sure when one envisions a fond pat on the head, it is gentle. so yes, the second "gently" needs to be out of there my dear.

"Le’neh snorted again , peering up at her with his wise amber orbs"

- its not a big deal, but this is the 2nd time in a short amount of words that you have described eyes as orbs. im not saying that you cant use such a description more then once, but hell, i would at least wait untill another scene...i would suggest changing the first time it appears to just eyes :3 because i thought the beginning sounded a bit to 'pretty-word' descriptive an i feel that the second time you use "orbs" flows better then the first time.

"He was carefully not to roughen up her dainty, smooth hands somehow with his scales. He would never wish to harm her."

- i think the first mistake in this one is obvious for im sure it is just a harmless typo but i also must say...get rid of the word "somehow" i think this sentence is great, as it clear shows his affection and care for her. "somehow" takes that away from it.

hmm. its interesting that you cut away from one scene to another so easily. not that i think your looking the to publish this but i mean, imagine it in book form... that would only be a page or so of words... is it really a good idea to cut away so swiftly? you have a lot of story/world/character building opportunity here, as in you do not even state how she gets back to her home...you could follow her through her way home, you could introduce her world a bit, what she goes through, and help the reader get a sense of what your world looks like, because if they cant picture it...then they wont want to grasp on to the story for very long. i just didnt like how she "headed home" and then "Oh! shes instantly there". it seems as if your trying to rush to a certain part in the story...to get the plot moving forward im sure, but you have to think of all the aspects of story-building.

...and suddenly her mother is dying? hmm. so its suddenly sprung on our main character, and us? yes we dont care, because we only just met this person...i would recommend that valeries KNOW her mother is dying already...but maybe "the time" of her death is actually upon her. :/ i find it funny that her mother kept this from them until that what? couple of minutes of her life? no way, thats not realistic.

well, i hope you didnt just expect me to be like "that was nice" as my review :P i believe reviews should be constructive and full of growth and help ~_~; so as always, i hope you dont think i was to harsh. and i hope i helped you out.

ill check out the rest of the story later.
8/16/2008 c4 4AbbieLou
haha srry didn't realize that there were more chpters before ;). The only thing I have to say other than awesome story is that your dialogue is too blunt, try to turn it into a conversation instead of a statement of facts. also the elf guy seems a little creeperish but thats just me :)

good luck!
8/16/2008 c1 AbbieLou
Hey great beginning! I just have to ask why the queen just sort of randomly died. I mean apparently it was a surprise to Valerie so I hope you explain that in coming chapters. I'll def. keep my eyes open for your stories and future chapters of this one!
8/16/2008 c3 Morgan
This story is very well-written! The descriptions are elaborate and pleasing, and it is unlike anything I have ever read! Great use of creativity, I would definately reccommend this story to any one of my friends!
8/15/2008 c2 9angelic wanderer
OMG WTF MUST WRITE MORE WTF BARBECUE-SAUCE! *dies of your awesomeness*

In all seriousness, sister...this is very well done, very well done indeed. Can't wait to see the next chapter!

Love ya!

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