for This Precious Book of Love9/23/2008 c2 
14WhenceComethThisBoredom
Firstly, you keep switching from past to present tense, and it's driving me crazy.
Secondly, I believe that in that day they referred to all Africans as "Ethiopians" or somesuch.
"I smile my most stunning smile, the one I use for business." I like this one. A nice touch, and it characterizes Paris quite succinctly.
She's more than beautiful, and he didn't notice her until now? That aside, his astonishment that she's not utterly cowed by his own beauty confirms my assessment of his character and makes me laugh. Oh, silly, silly pretty-boy.
poor Paris. He finally meets someone more aloof than him and he's immediately smitten. seems this is shaping up to be a sad romance indeed...
14WhenceComethThisBoredomFirstly, you keep switching from past to present tense, and it's driving me crazy.
Secondly, I believe that in that day they referred to all Africans as "Ethiopians" or somesuch.
"I smile my most stunning smile, the one I use for business." I like this one. A nice touch, and it characterizes Paris quite succinctly.
She's more than beautiful, and he didn't notice her until now? That aside, his astonishment that she's not utterly cowed by his own beauty confirms my assessment of his character and makes me laugh. Oh, silly, silly pretty-boy.
poor Paris. He finally meets someone more aloof than him and he's immediately smitten. seems this is shaping up to be a sad romance indeed...
9/23/2008 c1 WhenceComethThisBoredom
Oh, that stuff about the bush just makes me laugh. Dear me. I'll have to say that to somebody next time I see them mistreating a plant.
Typo: you have "one I could only know as MY BY best friend"
I think it would be "Capulet's party ON THE morrow" or somesuch. Just a thought.
Ha, ha. They speak shakespearean, but they's modern folk. Sneaking his friend into the party... Silly boys.
This is turning out just fine, and I chose to read it because I found the premise on your profile page intriguing. Just a small note: Paris' frequent descriptions of himself - his perfect hair, strong legs, long body, "we would make a perfect couple" - make him sound a bit vain. I wonder if this is intentional?
Oh, that stuff about the bush just makes me laugh. Dear me. I'll have to say that to somebody next time I see them mistreating a plant.
Typo: you have "one I could only know as MY BY best friend"
I think it would be "Capulet's party ON THE morrow" or somesuch. Just a thought.
Ha, ha. They speak shakespearean, but they's modern folk. Sneaking his friend into the party... Silly boys.
This is turning out just fine, and I chose to read it because I found the premise on your profile page intriguing. Just a small note: Paris' frequent descriptions of himself - his perfect hair, strong legs, long body, "we would make a perfect couple" - make him sound a bit vain. I wonder if this is intentional?
8/16/2008 c1 Counting Petals
Review Marathon! (If you're confused, there's a link on my profile.)
I like this idea, because I think Paris is often overlooked in Romeo and Juliet. It could be an interesting look inside his mind.
I'm not liking the dialogue, though, because the modern English seems out of place in this setting. I can understand why you're doing it, though.
Review Marathon! (If you're confused, there's a link on my profile.)
I like this idea, because I think Paris is often overlooked in Romeo and Juliet. It could be an interesting look inside his mind.
I'm not liking the dialogue, though, because the modern English seems out of place in this setting. I can understand why you're doing it, though.