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for Quantum Ghost

9/7/2008 c14 3Kent Edwins
So far, so good. I like that you're spending more time on developing characters, though the pacing is very fast as usual. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, though. So far, reminds me of Persona 3 meets NE.
9/7/2008 c9 Kent Edwins
Chariot titled for the chapter on Martial Arts... paying more homage to Persona 3?
9/7/2008 c6 Kent Edwins
Very harsh ending. It's interesting, though, to see how the world and school appears to this character. While he's not hard to sympathize with, how he reacts to Jean's statement is unpredictable and outside the rationality of his typical persona. Good chapter.
9/7/2008 c3 Kent Edwins
Sounds like Plato's cave. Almost is, actually. Tread lightly, or someone's going to draw a Xemu parallel somewhere down the line.
9/7/2008 c2 Kent Edwins
Talk about "hitting close to home". I can imagine SG as I'm reading this. I notice the names of the chapters- loosely based of the Tarot? Cool. The Tarot is a pretty good source of inspiration, and can come up with some 3 dimensional characters.
8/23/2008 c4 dreamshell
Alright, you've got a good idea in progress here, Jave. But aside from the stuff we've talked about previously, here's a few other tips, if I may;

I see the attempt at curbing your tendency for pure dialogue (which is good), but it still seems to more or less follow the same formula. Except now, rather than *pure* dialogue, you tag on things like "replied", "commented", "answered", and "inquired". This is a step in the right direction, though the variations are perhaps too distracting. More simple things like "said", "asked", and "replied" work well enough. Leave others for when you want to get something more specific across.

Also, perhaps try adding an emotional context behind some of the dialogue, if you like. Also, having the tags do more than just describe the way in which something is being said would do good. For instance, describing facial expressions maybe, or little idiosyncrasies, such as playing with hands, biting the lower lip, chewing on food, etc.

Besides all that, there's a weird transition that occurs rather abruptly towards the end of this chapter. It starts out following Jason and implying his opinions and viewpoint through the narrative. But then, when Matt appears, it suddenly becomes first person from Matt's POV. This is jarring, plus it has the weird side-effect of suggesting that Matt is the over-all narrator, watching some of the events in Jason's life, but without referring at all to himself.

Another thing-and this is just a nitpick, really-why would Jason be so willing to meet up and talk with Matt? From what I've read, the two have almost no shared history, yet Jason doesn't seem to find it all that odd that Matt, a graduated student, is interested in meeting up.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to seeing how this story turns out. ;)
8/21/2008 c2 Jacky
Hello dear! It's been a while since I've read any of your stories. I had nothing to do so I visited your page again.

This is nice! What really interested me was the "catholic School" in the description, and as expected, the character hates it. the comment about parents and schadenfreude was hilarious. ^_^

The protagonist is definitely you. Just too much in common

I'll look forward to it, but I gotta go now. I have pol sci class (eww) See you soon!
8/20/2008 c1 12Cam S
I tend to have a bit of a love/hate relationship with short fiction, but this definitely has me intrigued. There's more, right?
8/20/2008 c1 12Monev11235
M. So it begins.

I think I'm going to go, yes, it's true...

Write some more Dust like you wanted me to.
8/20/2008 c1 9Ekuboryu
Nice work. You used vivid details, excellent description without being excessively gory. You manage to show and not tell and all that lovely stuff.

All in all a very good short chapter, it certainly grabs the reader's attention

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