Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for The Wolf Within (Old- Editing Coming Soon)

2/14/2010 c21 2dutchess123
AMAZING! I Can Not Wait till the next chapter! Eep, I feel so bad for Ben! He wants to be with her right? I think he does and she just don't get it! But I am dying to hear more about their relationship!
12/12/2009 c21 Tigress Noel
hey i love this story, and i personally don't think that the story really needs to be edited at this point, the flow is decent and i as a reader would prefer it if you write the whole story first and then edit it.

I'll be waiting,

Tigress Noel
11/24/2009 c21 The Ape
I, for one, am enjoying Wolf Within. Please continue!

A Ben POV would be interesting.

Keep it up!
11/24/2009 c21 3Amarantis
I think a rewrite would be a good choice, especially if you already know where you're heading with this story.
8/9/2009 c20 1midnight84118
great story keep it up
7/30/2009 c1 5BlackTreaderWolf
Cool
7/25/2009 c20 3Amarantis
Hormonal yay! :D

“So Alex, you still up for running?”-“So, Alex, you still up for running?”

The word "so" is counted as an exclamation of some sorts or something, so it needs to be separated. In the original sentence, it seems as if the phrase "So Alex" is his name.

I like the turn of events with Ben. Yesh! But it's certainly gonna be a huge mess when it comes to cheating.

"Which made since really; I mean he probably thought of me as a sister-"- "Which made sense-"

Just a typo, but it caused some confusion for me.

I liked this part: “So food slash homework break, then run?” It sounds so smooth when I say it. And I liked this, too: “No Amy, I know rejection when I see it. And I saw it.”

Just her luck that Ben arrives when she tries to avoid him. I got a few laughs out of this. "Hey, Ben!" Hello, indeed. :D I should read further, but I'm a bit excited in seeing his reaction. Her train of thoughts is practically shouting for red alert. It's so funny how she's so desperate.

The conversations are becoming more interesting. I just really liked the part with Amy and Alex.
7/7/2009 c1 2dutchess123
when are u going to update again?
5/6/2009 c19 3Amarantis
You already have a very good beginning. -"Wow is an understatement. Gabashokuvy is probably more appropriate."

It would come out stronger, if you had a bigger pause in these actions, not make it easy for her to get the knowledge. Some description with Ben's breathing. Now, it seems more like a "So what? He breaths? We all do. Breathes in? Breathes deeply?"-"Ben breathed, not meeting my eyes. I continued to stare at him until he looked up. He took a deep breath and looked at me."

You're a good story teller, but you could maybe try working more with how to create a mood. Have a bit more flesh on the bones when it comes to text.

Well, I can't say I'm amazed at Collin's actions. I'm just glad Ben's not under blackmail anymore.

I'm so happy you added the parents in their discussion, taking it to an other direction. It's one of these enlightened moments for me. I'm jumping up and down in joy but have to restrain myself, because it's not lilacs and roses to her. From then on, things went really smoothly. Their conversation's deep.

Ooh, the realization! Great emphasizing. You keep throwing awesome surprises.

"-causing Ben to lay his check on my head." Typo with check. It should be "cheek."

And for once, a character's obliviousness doesn't annoy me. It just made the reading experience better.

Once again, their conversation is awesome. I can't believe how you managed to make them have talk about two different things at the same time. Ben's so sweet. I think I've said that about a million times already.

Oh, a kiss!
5/6/2009 c18 Amarantis
So, they have co-ed P.E.? The writing is smooth, though the first dialog was just a tiny bit stiff. Minuscule amount.

I liked this action and the sentence structure.- Then suddenly someone jumped up from the corner of my eye, grabbed the ball, and dunked it; swinging from the rim dramatically.

The basketball game didn't feel like a lesson. I think it would be awesome to leave it as it is, but make them kind of "come back to reality" by having the teacher under the spotlight for a while in the end of the game.

There are so many characters all around, but I think I'm slowly getting the hang of it. I know I haven't read this story for a long time, but I do remember some people really well. 234 unread messages to go.

Anyways, back to this review. If I remembered correctly (I get Finnish and English rules mixed up fairly easily), after speech, you have to add a comma, if you have the person say it or something.

Ex.1 "My keys are lost," said Becca.

Ex.2 "That's weird, I thought I ate this already." Jack stares at the shining apple, then laughs at himself. (Exception, because he isn't having some action that directly relates to having said the spoken words.)

She's a pretty nice girl for not eavesdropping on their possible conversation. In my eyes, she becomes a much better person and unpredictable, since I was thinking that she was going to do exactly what I said she didn't.

One of my favorite parts: Then I spotted it; the all holy field of awesomeness for any football fan.

Some special time with just the two of them. :) :)
3/28/2009 c20 123dutchess
Well the authors corner is getting put in the corner for not up dating! but you are out of the corner now because that was a great chapter and it was put up soo fast! YAY YOU! o and i can't wait to see bens side of the story that would be great good idea!
3/26/2009 c19 123dutchess
that was a great chapter! i can't believe she just kissed him she said she wouldn't! OMG OMG! GR.. you better update this sooner than later i so want to know ben's reaction! o and you are in the authors corner!
3/24/2009 c1 123dutchess
when r u gonna update the chapters?
2/21/2009 c18 1irunwithvampires3
Great job. Bravo, nice chapter. Really - your writing flows together very nicely.

I really like Ben. (Did I already say that?) I want more of him.

Now way to leave off with a cliffhanger. What is the sight before her? Upate soon!
2/2/2009 c17 123dutchess
wow nice story i like it! so like i hope you up date the chapter real soon!
31 Page 1 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service