3/14/2011 c1 snorlaxing
I like the last two lines of the poem. It ties up to the whole idea of hallucination, the imaginary world, the non-existent.

I like how you made use of punctuation (periods) and line breaks to create pauses in the sentence "it just. doesn't. quite/ reach your eye". It really contributes to the doubt and I felt a sense of hesitation/wariness in this line.

I like the juxtaposition used in "now-brittle syrup" :D fresh and original! But what does it aim to achieve, by saying something as liquid and flowy as syrup brittle?

"You" seems inviting, "arms are open", "sparkling phrases" "candy-promises", "pretty words and lies", as though to seduce/attract "me".

This poem also appeals to the taste as well. "candy-promises_ "sugared hearts"- all so sweet and tempting. "melting" made me think of ice creams :D (ah me a glutton)

"I close my eyes"- Fear, knowing that "you" might not be real

"and hope"- so "I" knew, but had "my" fingers crossed. I feel that "I" is trying to dodge the truth/reality, and clings on to that last bit of hope she has.

The ending gives a sense of nothingness, failure, hopelessness. And I think this brings out the idea of hallucination really well- the idea of your own mind creating stuff that isn't really there.

Good job!

9/13/2008 c1 612simpleplan13
"but it just. doesn't. quite"... I like the addition with the periods, it's a really great addition to the flow, but I might add another one (or two) after it and quite.

I really like all your descriptions with sour and sweet, you use sweet terms so many times, but none of it seems repetitive. Rather, it creates a nice sense of continuity.

PS If you're bored this weekend check out the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)