for Smooth5/23/2009 c1 
109ADSpencer
This was cute and pretty well written for a thirty-minute one-shot. Have you ever watched Birds of Prey? I had an image of Helena as Mary. . .Anyhow, on to the actual review.
I thought the secondary characters were well done in this short piece. I'm referring to Mary and Jody, of course. From Jody's small part in asking Marcus to go out, I got a great sense of who she was. Her dialogue was realistic and described her character better than actual description ever could. (A GOOD thing since a big long physical description would have only served to bore me.) The same goes for Mary, though I think I could do with a little more description of her quirks or uniqueness (other than beautiful bartender) since she's the love interest and a big part of this shorty.
The description was alright overall (the first scene was especially well done), but one part I thought could use some work was the scene where Marcus rushes the other drunk. The actual scene seems more like someone telling it than it actually happening because we don't get a full visual of Jody's actual movements or the drunk's behavior/actions. For example, we're told he's drunk, but a slight description of his eyes might tell us to believe that he's drunk. Does that make sense?
Anyhow, nice work with this! I think it was definitely worth your time and mine.
-ADS, from The Review Marathon (for a link, see my profile)
109ADSpencerThis was cute and pretty well written for a thirty-minute one-shot. Have you ever watched Birds of Prey? I had an image of Helena as Mary. . .Anyhow, on to the actual review.
I thought the secondary characters were well done in this short piece. I'm referring to Mary and Jody, of course. From Jody's small part in asking Marcus to go out, I got a great sense of who she was. Her dialogue was realistic and described her character better than actual description ever could. (A GOOD thing since a big long physical description would have only served to bore me.) The same goes for Mary, though I think I could do with a little more description of her quirks or uniqueness (other than beautiful bartender) since she's the love interest and a big part of this shorty.
The description was alright overall (the first scene was especially well done), but one part I thought could use some work was the scene where Marcus rushes the other drunk. The actual scene seems more like someone telling it than it actually happening because we don't get a full visual of Jody's actual movements or the drunk's behavior/actions. For example, we're told he's drunk, but a slight description of his eyes might tell us to believe that he's drunk. Does that make sense?
Anyhow, nice work with this! I think it was definitely worth your time and mine.
-ADS, from The Review Marathon (for a link, see my profile)
9/1/2008 c1 criti-sized
A very cute short. I like the many emotions that were displayed in it and the conversation between Marcus and Mary... Shows possible potential between the two of them. Though it did seem a bit out of character from what I gained about him to simply rush at a guy and start a fight. Then again when a friend is involved there's no telling.
There were a few parts where it felt like you possibly changed tenses in your narration, but nothing else otherwise.
Great short.
C.S.
A very cute short. I like the many emotions that were displayed in it and the conversation between Marcus and Mary... Shows possible potential between the two of them. Though it did seem a bit out of character from what I gained about him to simply rush at a guy and start a fight. Then again when a friend is involved there's no telling.
There were a few parts where it felt like you possibly changed tenses in your narration, but nothing else otherwise.
Great short.
C.S.