for Pandamerium12/30/2010 c1 
7Liya Smith
Wow. This was creepy. And sad. Poor Katy-Rose, she's going to live in a cave for the rest of her life. This was definitely a good read because I practically scanned every line so I wouldn't get lost. I really wanted to know what was happening. It was short but definitely got the point across. I liked your style and I will definitely check out your other works!
Sent from the RR Forum!
7Liya SmithWow. This was creepy. And sad. Poor Katy-Rose, she's going to live in a cave for the rest of her life. This was definitely a good read because I practically scanned every line so I wouldn't get lost. I really wanted to know what was happening. It was short but definitely got the point across. I liked your style and I will definitely check out your other works!
Sent from the RR Forum!
2/13/2010 c1 5Alias Blue
Firstly, I'm so sorry for taking so long to return your review. I've been super busy, but now it's the holidays!
'natures long-suffered scars' – sigh, I just can't say how much I LOVE that imagery.
‘If you don’t want to be called a chicken, don’t be one.’ The paragraph starting with this dialogue is a little long I think. There's nothing wrong with a long paragraph, but the one after it is so short, and then longer again, it seems a little random? I always think it's better to give dialogue its own line as well, but your call. :)
'no complications of co-ordination' – I really like the way you wrote this as well. I think it's the alliteration. I adore when lovely, natural feeling phrases like that creep in.
'Katy-Rose did what she considered the best sensible thing:' This was the only typo I noticed, I think it should be 'most sensible'.
All in all I enjoyed reading this.
5Alias BlueFirstly, I'm so sorry for taking so long to return your review. I've been super busy, but now it's the holidays!
'natures long-suffered scars' – sigh, I just can't say how much I LOVE that imagery.
‘If you don’t want to be called a chicken, don’t be one.’ The paragraph starting with this dialogue is a little long I think. There's nothing wrong with a long paragraph, but the one after it is so short, and then longer again, it seems a little random? I always think it's better to give dialogue its own line as well, but your call. :)
'no complications of co-ordination' – I really like the way you wrote this as well. I think it's the alliteration. I adore when lovely, natural feeling phrases like that creep in.
'Katy-Rose did what she considered the best sensible thing:' This was the only typo I noticed, I think it should be 'most sensible'.
All in all I enjoyed reading this.
1/10/2010 c1 4lookingwest
I like that you capture a great sense of "childhood" in this, and your word choice, like "gooey tears" and even the very beginning about the "dayglo" color adds to that childishness. So I'm glad that you still kept that sense of it, because I do so terrible writing about children and find it an author's challenge to hearken back to capturing the essences of it.
I also like the mystery of this because it works well standing alone and even though we only see these character just here, I get a wonderful sense of them already, and the way you establish the relationship between Connie and Katy-Rose was well done.
from the review marathon (link in my profile)
4lookingwestI like that you capture a great sense of "childhood" in this, and your word choice, like "gooey tears" and even the very beginning about the "dayglo" color adds to that childishness. So I'm glad that you still kept that sense of it, because I do so terrible writing about children and find it an author's challenge to hearken back to capturing the essences of it.
I also like the mystery of this because it works well standing alone and even though we only see these character just here, I get a wonderful sense of them already, and the way you establish the relationship between Connie and Katy-Rose was well done.
from the review marathon (link in my profile)
9/8/2009 c1 Hemlock-Key
First off the premise is interesting, but there really isn't enough here to talk much more about plot than that. I'd like to see this expanded upon. Another chapter or two, as obviously, this doesn't really "end".
You've managed no outstanding spelling/grammar errors that I can see, so kudos. My only issue is the use of ' ' as quotations as the more modern manner is " ", but that is an aesthetic thing, usually. Some editors will tell you to change it.
The dialogue feels realistic, but you may want to go ahead and read through out loud to double check any stiffness. When in doubt over dialogue, you may want to grab a friend and start role playing the scene. This also works well with battle scenes. The part of almost any large beastie can be played by your couch.
Your style seems well formed, but again, this is a little short for such a judgment. There's something playful about your descriptions, and you may want to expand on that further. Feel free to be unconventional, compare and contrast landscape with say, food. I do this occasionally and it usually makes for a more interesting description. It, of course, doesn't have to be food, but any other comparison description you care to think of.
All in all I'm going to say write more and often, and don't be afraid to be more experimental with the way and manner in which you write. You've got some punchy sentences-IE those that stand alone-and I'm glad to see you're willing to break up traditional structure.
Continuing down that road can lead to some fun and exciting things and you seem to have the mood for that kind of writing.
I honestly can't think of anything else to say so, keep it up and lets see what you do with this when it's finished.
Oh, and sorry this was late, I hope it's in-depth enough.
First off the premise is interesting, but there really isn't enough here to talk much more about plot than that. I'd like to see this expanded upon. Another chapter or two, as obviously, this doesn't really "end".
You've managed no outstanding spelling/grammar errors that I can see, so kudos. My only issue is the use of ' ' as quotations as the more modern manner is " ", but that is an aesthetic thing, usually. Some editors will tell you to change it.
The dialogue feels realistic, but you may want to go ahead and read through out loud to double check any stiffness. When in doubt over dialogue, you may want to grab a friend and start role playing the scene. This also works well with battle scenes. The part of almost any large beastie can be played by your couch.
Your style seems well formed, but again, this is a little short for such a judgment. There's something playful about your descriptions, and you may want to expand on that further. Feel free to be unconventional, compare and contrast landscape with say, food. I do this occasionally and it usually makes for a more interesting description. It, of course, doesn't have to be food, but any other comparison description you care to think of.
All in all I'm going to say write more and often, and don't be afraid to be more experimental with the way and manner in which you write. You've got some punchy sentences-IE those that stand alone-and I'm glad to see you're willing to break up traditional structure.
Continuing down that road can lead to some fun and exciting things and you seem to have the mood for that kind of writing.
I honestly can't think of anything else to say so, keep it up and lets see what you do with this when it's finished.
Oh, and sorry this was late, I hope it's in-depth enough.
4/22/2009 c1 7Duckies
I really liked the beginning, you drew me in right away with your description of Katy-Rose, and the implication that at the age of twelve something happened that made her change drastically.
Liked the way you said 'cave within a cave' and then 'darkness within darkness' - it added to the tone and made the paragraph very rhythmic.
"She guesses that something must have happened then." Seemed rather awkward, because you switched from present tense to past.
Hardly any grammatical mistakes, which was lovely, the only one I remember is that "friends" should be 'friend's'
Your characters seemed very real - especially the last paragraph, where you explained Katy-Rose's reaction.
This sounded like both a short story and the beginning of a multi-chap, so are you going to expand on it? I'd love it if you did :)
Great work!
7DuckiesI really liked the beginning, you drew me in right away with your description of Katy-Rose, and the implication that at the age of twelve something happened that made her change drastically.
Liked the way you said 'cave within a cave' and then 'darkness within darkness' - it added to the tone and made the paragraph very rhythmic.
"She guesses that something must have happened then." Seemed rather awkward, because you switched from present tense to past.
Hardly any grammatical mistakes, which was lovely, the only one I remember is that "friends" should be 'friend's'
Your characters seemed very real - especially the last paragraph, where you explained Katy-Rose's reaction.
This sounded like both a short story and the beginning of a multi-chap, so are you going to expand on it? I'd love it if you did :)
Great work!
4/16/2009 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Heya Austen! Karas gave away her reviews away as winner, so I'm reviewing you! :D
[Opening]: The opening was definitely good. At first I thought, do I really want to read something about a twelve year old? But then I was dragged in when Connie was introduced, so good job on that.
[Dialog]: There was a bit of dialog in here, I suppose it was just enough for the chapter. However ["Girl, you do not call me chicken!"] didn't seem like something someone would say. I don't know. Maybe you could turn it into a question, like ["How could you call me chicken?"] or whatever you want it to be like.
[Characters]: I love Katy-Rose! The way you developed her from beginning to end...it was amazing. Like before, I said, do I want to read about a twelve year old? But when she got all stubborn at the challenge and then freaked out when things got too weird, I decided she was easily relatable.
[Pace]: Surprisingly, despite the fact this is the first chapter, you didn't rush the plot at all. It actually feels like this is how it should be, it was just right. I esp. liked how you sort of incorporated things from her past to make things move along.
[Ending]: Nice ending. I wasn't quite sure of where she ended up, though I'm sure it's another world. It's just, all you mentioned was trees and green, and I wasn't really able to visualize any of that. Though, I am glad to know that at least Katy-Rose has some sense. XD That bumps her up a few points. :P
[Enjoyment]: It was enjoyable to the point that I would be tempted to read another chapter of it. I probably would have liked a little more dialogue in this chapter, but it was still good. The description was interesting enough to keep me reading, so good work.
It was a fun read, nonetheless! :D Velvet.
13VelvetyCheerioHeya Austen! Karas gave away her reviews away as winner, so I'm reviewing you! :D
[Opening]: The opening was definitely good. At first I thought, do I really want to read something about a twelve year old? But then I was dragged in when Connie was introduced, so good job on that.
[Dialog]: There was a bit of dialog in here, I suppose it was just enough for the chapter. However ["Girl, you do not call me chicken!"] didn't seem like something someone would say. I don't know. Maybe you could turn it into a question, like ["How could you call me chicken?"] or whatever you want it to be like.
[Characters]: I love Katy-Rose! The way you developed her from beginning to end...it was amazing. Like before, I said, do I want to read about a twelve year old? But when she got all stubborn at the challenge and then freaked out when things got too weird, I decided she was easily relatable.
[Pace]: Surprisingly, despite the fact this is the first chapter, you didn't rush the plot at all. It actually feels like this is how it should be, it was just right. I esp. liked how you sort of incorporated things from her past to make things move along.
[Ending]: Nice ending. I wasn't quite sure of where she ended up, though I'm sure it's another world. It's just, all you mentioned was trees and green, and I wasn't really able to visualize any of that. Though, I am glad to know that at least Katy-Rose has some sense. XD That bumps her up a few points. :P
[Enjoyment]: It was enjoyable to the point that I would be tempted to read another chapter of it. I probably would have liked a little more dialogue in this chapter, but it was still good. The description was interesting enough to keep me reading, so good work.
It was a fun read, nonetheless! :D Velvet.
4/8/2009 c1 6Kalista Jia
Interesting. I like how you describe the passage to the other world. You should continue, but then again, when you left it that way, us readers tend to imagine our own end (which is not bad)
The idea is simple but with your description, you turned the simple plot to something magical. Nice job.
Kalista Jia~
6Kalista JiaInteresting. I like how you describe the passage to the other world. You should continue, but then again, when you left it that way, us readers tend to imagine our own end (which is not bad)
The idea is simple but with your description, you turned the simple plot to something magical. Nice job.
Kalista Jia~
4/6/2009 c1 15Denizen47
That was really good, seems like it had scope to become a multi-chap but I like the way you just left it with her decision to re-enter the cave.
The descriptions were particuarly well done and really fleshed out the world they were in, the cave in particular - and how the voice of Connie was her link back to the outside and the normal world.
I felt this was a really cool little vignette, and am kinda hoping that you maybe write some more. The two characters interacted quite naturally and this helped to define them.
Really enjoyed this,
Zion.
15Denizen47That was really good, seems like it had scope to become a multi-chap but I like the way you just left it with her decision to re-enter the cave.
The descriptions were particuarly well done and really fleshed out the world they were in, the cave in particular - and how the voice of Connie was her link back to the outside and the normal world.
I felt this was a really cool little vignette, and am kinda hoping that you maybe write some more. The two characters interacted quite naturally and this helped to define them.
Really enjoyed this,
Zion.
3/5/2009 c1 Guest
Hey hey Austen! I'm here with my special brand of reviewness... Here goes...
I love how you blow up the story of "The girl saw the cave. She went into the cave. She came out somewhere else" into 10 words. the descriptions of the cave at the beginning were phenomenal. All around good story. Will the story continue?
Hey hey Austen! I'm here with my special brand of reviewness... Here goes...
I love how you blow up the story of "The girl saw the cave. She went into the cave. She came out somewhere else" into 10 words. the descriptions of the cave at the beginning were phenomenal. All around good story. Will the story continue?
3/4/2009 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
Interesting. I liked the straighforward-yet-contemplating style you wrote this in. It was easy to understand and slightly sarcastic and made the story all the more enjoyable.
I'm curious about the idea you portrayed here. Usually, in the twelve-year-old-goes-on-fantasy-journey story, they don't get back to their own world until after the journey part. And usually the worlds are Described as "magical" and "wonderful" rather than "wrong". I thought you ended it in an interesting way, simply stating what Katy-Rose did. Kinda made me stop and think for a moment. I think this could be a cool little prologue to a longer fantasy if you wanted it to be, but it's fine as it is too.
"‘You calling me chicken?’ Katy-Rose had squawked."
I liked how Connie called her a chicken and then she "squawked". I dunno, these little things amuse me.
"‘Girl, you do not call me chicken!’"
XD I'm sorry, I could just totally picture half the girls at my school saying that with the signature attitude. Once again, little things amuse me.
If you're looking for something to improve on, I'd describe more of the other place Katy-Rose winds up in. You're kind of building on getting to that scene and although you do describe how it's not like her own home, you don't describe how it is, if you catch my drift.
Nice work here, Austen!
21Sercus KaynineInteresting. I liked the straighforward-yet-contemplating style you wrote this in. It was easy to understand and slightly sarcastic and made the story all the more enjoyable.
I'm curious about the idea you portrayed here. Usually, in the twelve-year-old-goes-on-fantasy-journey story, they don't get back to their own world until after the journey part. And usually the worlds are Described as "magical" and "wonderful" rather than "wrong". I thought you ended it in an interesting way, simply stating what Katy-Rose did. Kinda made me stop and think for a moment. I think this could be a cool little prologue to a longer fantasy if you wanted it to be, but it's fine as it is too.
"‘You calling me chicken?’ Katy-Rose had squawked."
I liked how Connie called her a chicken and then she "squawked". I dunno, these little things amuse me.
"‘Girl, you do not call me chicken!’"
XD I'm sorry, I could just totally picture half the girls at my school saying that with the signature attitude. Once again, little things amuse me.
If you're looking for something to improve on, I'd describe more of the other place Katy-Rose winds up in. You're kind of building on getting to that scene and although you do describe how it's not like her own home, you don't describe how it is, if you catch my drift.
Nice work here, Austen!
2/9/2009 c1 4bringmayflowers
for the review game
I really liked this. I felt the ending was abrupt (unless you were going to add to it?), but it was a good story otherwise. Your description was really nice. And the only complaint I had was that the beginning when you are talking about her name, you could have said it differently. Like instead of had it in parenthesis you could have had someone talk about it. just a suggestion!
4bringmayflowersfor the review game
I really liked this. I felt the ending was abrupt (unless you were going to add to it?), but it was a good story otherwise. Your description was really nice. And the only complaint I had was that the beginning when you are talking about her name, you could have said it differently. Like instead of had it in parenthesis you could have had someone talk about it. just a suggestion!
2/6/2009 c1 5justinhazelton287
It's nice to see a story like this moving on with a quick pace. The descriptions mixed with the rapid-fire progression of the story provided a contrast that drew me in pretty much immediately. Nice cliffhanger, too. Might I suggest using the dual-quotation marks rather than the singular ones, though?
Overall, I liked it.
5justinhazelton287It's nice to see a story like this moving on with a quick pace. The descriptions mixed with the rapid-fire progression of the story provided a contrast that drew me in pretty much immediately. Nice cliffhanger, too. Might I suggest using the dual-quotation marks rather than the singular ones, though?
Overall, I liked it.
12/17/2008 c1 18The Last Xu
"Long Terrace" I assume is a street name, and should be capitalized.
Wow, a criticism was not the first thing I wanted to say at all, but it those tiny details really bother me.
Anyway, I loved your opening. I first wondered if your messy style was due to lack of practice, but I quickly realized that it WAS your style, and I loved it. It was messy and random, yes, but not in the "oh my god this person can't write" way. It's quite the opposite really, I've always had a thing for nicely-done messy writing. (Haha, nicely messy get it? Sorry that was a bad joke.) I just hope you keep your freestyle writing organized in future chapters, and not slip into carelessness.
I love how the events flow and the emotions are realistic, unlike other ones I've read where everything is so obviously... a story.
The story's quite an easy read, but nearing the end it was a bit predictable.
I really can't say much on just one chapter. I'll just say, the story (this chapter at least) is a nice read, but not one I would be seriously obsessed with.
18The Last Xu"Long Terrace" I assume is a street name, and should be capitalized.
Wow, a criticism was not the first thing I wanted to say at all, but it those tiny details really bother me.
Anyway, I loved your opening. I first wondered if your messy style was due to lack of practice, but I quickly realized that it WAS your style, and I loved it. It was messy and random, yes, but not in the "oh my god this person can't write" way. It's quite the opposite really, I've always had a thing for nicely-done messy writing. (Haha, nicely messy get it? Sorry that was a bad joke.) I just hope you keep your freestyle writing organized in future chapters, and not slip into carelessness.
I love how the events flow and the emotions are realistic, unlike other ones I've read where everything is so obviously... a story.
The story's quite an easy read, but nearing the end it was a bit predictable.
I really can't say much on just one chapter. I'll just say, the story (this chapter at least) is a nice read, but not one I would be seriously obsessed with.
11/6/2008 c1 4Kinderwhore
I can't believe you haven't received any reviews for this piece! It's really good - there isn't enough of the story up for me to judge the plot (it seems like there's meant to be more?), but I definitely like the premise.
This was, overall, very well written; it moved at a steady, consistent pace, and there were absolutely no aspects that I disliked. The repetition at the beginning piqued my curiosity and drew me in, whilst the deadpan "Then she met Connie. It was all her fault really." clinched it for me. Your relaxed, casual narration balances and complements the sophisticated undertone of your prose, and there's never too much of one or the other.
Your descriptions were also lovely; not too detailed, but vivid enough. Lines like "a cave within a cave" and "darkness within darkness" particularly stood out for me.
The characterisation was also fantastic; we know a little bit about Katy-Rose from the first three lines, and a little about Connie when you wrote of her fear of the dark. It's not much, but for the beginning of a story, it's just enough.
I'm also quite intrigued by your title - er, what does it mean? At first I thought it was "Pandemonium" misspelled; then I looked again...
There are only three things I can find to critique, the first being a couple of typos; you missed out the apostrophes in "natures long suffered scars", "her friends fair hair" and "her friends name".
The second is that I noticed you've finished some lines of dialogue with a full stop. Generally (but not always), dialogue is considered to be part of a larger sentence if the speaker is indicated after the closing speech marks, so commas are usually used instead.
The third is more to do with personal preference, so feel free to disregard this last part. You've used the phrases "bitten-nailed" and "while meant in fun"; I personally prefer "nail bitten" and "while meant in jest", but this could just be me.
Overall, very good work! I'm very impressed, and I'm not easy to please. :)
4KinderwhoreI can't believe you haven't received any reviews for this piece! It's really good - there isn't enough of the story up for me to judge the plot (it seems like there's meant to be more?), but I definitely like the premise.
This was, overall, very well written; it moved at a steady, consistent pace, and there were absolutely no aspects that I disliked. The repetition at the beginning piqued my curiosity and drew me in, whilst the deadpan "Then she met Connie. It was all her fault really." clinched it for me. Your relaxed, casual narration balances and complements the sophisticated undertone of your prose, and there's never too much of one or the other.
Your descriptions were also lovely; not too detailed, but vivid enough. Lines like "a cave within a cave" and "darkness within darkness" particularly stood out for me.
The characterisation was also fantastic; we know a little bit about Katy-Rose from the first three lines, and a little about Connie when you wrote of her fear of the dark. It's not much, but for the beginning of a story, it's just enough.
I'm also quite intrigued by your title - er, what does it mean? At first I thought it was "Pandemonium" misspelled; then I looked again...
There are only three things I can find to critique, the first being a couple of typos; you missed out the apostrophes in "natures long suffered scars", "her friends fair hair" and "her friends name".
The second is that I noticed you've finished some lines of dialogue with a full stop. Generally (but not always), dialogue is considered to be part of a larger sentence if the speaker is indicated after the closing speech marks, so commas are usually used instead.
The third is more to do with personal preference, so feel free to disregard this last part. You've used the phrases "bitten-nailed" and "while meant in fun"; I personally prefer "nail bitten" and "while meant in jest", but this could just be me.
Overall, very good work! I'm very impressed, and I'm not easy to please. :)