8/18/2010 c4 The Saturday Storytellers
Finally, I'm coming back to this story!

I'm liking the reconnection to the little girl and her little girl concerns (and the unspoken

sinister implications) in the first paragraph. She hates black. Maybe only because black is

such a null colour, or maybe because it reminds her of the terror that watches her from her

mirror. You don't say, and that creates a splendid effect. And then you lighten it at the end

with "Just what was so dreadful about wearing a green t-shirt to church anyway?", which may

also reflect her psychological discomfort - her need to wear colours and stay away from the

black. But on the surface, it's all light comedy. Very nicely done.

Her rather abstact awareness strikes me again and actually, I like this. I've not seen it in

any other story and it works really well here. Even if you didn't intend to make it that way,

which I think you said in a PM once.

"Every tilt and turn of her head irritated her neck to the point of distraction." The choice

of the word 'distraction' here, however, breaks the little girl's world. It's too

sophisticated a word for the character, I feel.

"...on the higgledy stones around her." I've never seen the word 'higgledy' used on its own,

but it's a pleasant surprise to see it!

"She got through twenty six graves..." This suggests to me that she gets lost in her search

for rather a long time. Where's her mum..? It's starting to feel not right. So if that's

deliberate, great reference.

When Annabelle sees that side entrance and thinks about going through it, although really that

would be more dangerous than hanging around in the churchyard during a funeral, it sounds like

it'll be safer than where she is now. You've subtly, but effectively, woven a sense of doom

into this scene.

Oh! So something stopped her? She walked into something that she didn't see? Odd! This bit, though: "The force of the impact knocked her backwards onto her bum..." feels incongruous, as she's got such a youthful quality to her, I think the word 'bum' would be rather daring by her standards. (This coming from the author of Mase. Yeah yeah, I know...)

"The lady, who Annabelle noticed, had eyebrows a different colour to her hair..." I have to say again, Annabelle's observations really are those of a child. If an adult had thought this so consciously it might well seem bitchy (Ha! She dyes her hair!) but it's the kind of thing a child might notice in all innocence. One of those unintentionally harsh things that kids think. Again, considering you didn't really intend on making her so young, you've

"Annabelle thought this was a rather strange thing to say." You and me both, kid. That is an odd thing to say. Half of me suspects the lady gets beaten by her husband and that's what she means, but I'm not sure.

Hmm. Not much seems to have happened in this chapter, but you've conjured a strong feeling of Annabelle's world, here. I've just realised that you've not mentioned the horror in her life at all, but fair enough. Maybe that's just me picking up on that, having read this chapter such a long time after the last.

I've enjoyed it, the emotional space of her walking around the deserted quarter of the graveyard, and her naivete.

- From We Return Reviews.

4/28/2010 c3 4Bickazer
Okay, this chapter.

It's nice and short and sweet and I envy that, because everything I write balloons into five-thousand-word monstrosities. Actually, I first completed this chapter a while ago, but I was lazy and never got around to reviewing it, soo...shoot me. Sorry.

I liked this chapter-I wish I could write a more in depth review on it but there's not much to complain about. You captured the emotions of the characters perfectly-Claire's grief and frustration, Gloria's coldness, and Annabelle, well, being annoying yet understandable. She's really giving off creepy vibes, isn't she? It's clear that something unusual happened to result in Susie's death, and I definitely want to find out more-so good job with the suspense. And this Morgan's appearance at the end only adds to the suspense. Her appearance was well done without being too sudden, since you foreshadowed her existence already. I'm assuming she's the ghost of a dead child and has been manipulating Annabelle somehow...intriguing. Really, it's the suspense and the characters that shine in the chapter. I found all of the characters' actions and feelings to be realistic and atmospheric (though I've never been to a funeral before, so what would I know...).

This is a nicely low-key story, and I'm liking that, even though my tastes tend to veer towards the epic. I like the subtlety and focus on characters, though, since a lot of amateurish suspense/horror writing gets too over-the-top.

The one problem I have is that the transition from the previous chapter to this one came across as a bit jarring. The previous chapter seemed like it was set up to show Annabelle and Susie's stake-out, so I was expecting to read about that in this chapter instead of being suddenly thrown into a funeral. I did a double take when I realized it was Susie's funeral. I understand that you probably didn't want to show the events of that night in order to preserve the suspense, but I'm wondering if there isn't a more natural way to transition between the two events, because as now, the transition feels very, very jarring. Perhaps because the last chapter really seemed to focus on getting to Annabelle and Susie's stakeout, or something.

Anyway, good job so far, and I'll try not to be too slow with future reviews. I'll definitely read more of this.

From We Return Reviews.

4/21/2010 c1 The Saturday Storytellers
That's quite an opening sentence. To be honest, you had me at 'Annabelle knew something lived in her mirror', but the fact that the mysterious Susie has somehow managed to make a paranoid mirror-gazer look even less lucid makes me wonder what on earth this story is going to be like.

Let's see...

"...Annabelle got the distinct feeling that it was looking at her more than she had ever looked at it." *makes squeaky noise* I can't help but say that my inner psychiatrist is itching at the moment. But you said this is a supernatural story, so...

"...and had told her Mummy..." Oh, right, so Annabelle is younger than I thought. I was envisioning a teenager, to be honest. That also explains why the mirror is so much bigger than her. Her apparent fancy that there's a monster in her mirror (if that's the best way to articulate it) makes a bit more sense now, too. Like the fear of monsters under one's bed.

"...she'd lose her television time for a week." I like the way this introduction is carrying on. There's obviously more to that mirror-malevolence than Mummy thinks, but the real dissonance between the general direction of the plot and this attempt by a mother to calm down her (apparently) over-imaginitive child is oddly entertaining. That and the semi-omiscient POV that doesn't give us that much access to Annabelle's feelings and thoughts. In many ways, this really does feel like an insistant, paranoid little child who's got the creeps over her bedroom mirror.

"With a tentative finger she pushed at the door, edging it into the shadow. " Yeah, there's a real sense of psychology here: 'I don't like the dark. You go first, door'.

"...and spilled her water down her front as she did so." Oh, bugger. Now, say that I was a worrisome child, but that kind of thing was always such a big deal when I was little.

"...the one at her bedside was cold, grey and dead. The one reflected in the mirror, however, was bright and twinkling." This is a very slick paragraph fragment. I was just about to comment on the morosity of a small child thinking of an off light as 'dead', when you caught me up in the following sentence about the reflection-light being lit. There's a spooky thing!

Your story title is making more sense now, actually, as a 'mite' can either mean a kind of parasite, or a small child. As you said the mirror might contain some kind of parasites, the double-entendre is now apparent. Nice!

Or not, as the case may be...

""She's nearly eight years old. She's hardly a little one," Mummy said. Ah, so she's eight. Thing is, I was starting to think of her as a five year old. I don't have any children of my own so I'm not very good at knowing kids' ages, but I'd guess that an eight year old would be more confident and lucid than Annabelle seems to be.

""Keeping the kid on a diet of Disney and lies then?"

"She can watch anything she likes, so long as I know there's no horror or violence in it."

Auntie Gloria made a nasty sound, somewhere between a cackle and a cough."

Heh, yes! I'm with Gloria on this one, actually. I like the acidic quality of this compared to the soft-focus quality of Annabelle's thought process.

"...she had asked Mummy about where her Daddy was, several times, and had never gotten a straight answer, not ever." Ah, this works well for me. I care enough about what Annabelle's going through by this stage that it's nice to start going through other parts of her life, to build her up as a character.

On that point, I've been enjoying the apparent lack of awareness of Annabelle as a particularly feminine girl. What I mean is - and I'm going to sound a bit of a soap-box feminist here - that so many girls these days seem obsessed with Bratz and W.I.T.C.H. and other, sexy-style female icons, want to go shopping and diet and so on, that I'm finding Annabelle's apparent disregard for these things very refreshing. And I struggle to imagine she'd be ignoring these things if she was eight.

Unless she was brought up under quite a strict mum, which you've hinted at. But Disney's among the worst for creating sexually attractive - young - female icons, so that doesn't quite fit to me. I'm still finding it easier to imagine Annabelle as five.

The end of this chapter is good, I think. While there isn't a short, sharp cliffhanger, clearly Annabelle's got a problem, and it doesn't appear that it's going to go away. I'm looking forward to reading more of this!

- From We Return Reviews.

4/14/2010 c1 Tawny Owl
I loved the idea behind the opening line, but I think it might have more effect if you split it up and made it shorter.

Bitter chocolate – nice.

I like the way you convey both Annabelle’s character and the mother’s character. You also make it realistic, and almost funny with the way you describe it. It was really funny to read. There wasn’t much underlying tension though. I started off being apprehensive of the mirror but it faded away through this part of the chapter.

It was slightly ajar, just as she had left it, but what bothered Annabelle was that the room was dark, which was not how she had left it. There’s something odd about this sentence too. Maybe spit it up as well? I’m not sure, it just seemed to run on.

The tension immediately comes back with the lights switch though. And I liked the comment about not being scared as long as she knew how to make the dark go away.

Aww, her reaction to the adult conversation is sweet. I’m torn between saying that I’d have liked more detail on voice tones, and saying it didn’t because it was Annabelle listening and she would only have reacted to the emotions like mummy being angry. (love that you call her mummy as well – it reflects Annabelle’s age really well). I’m intrigued now because despite thinking that Annabelle is telling stories there is something mysterious going on

You. Bed. Now. Perfect and brilliant. I could see it.

4/13/2010 c2 4Bickazer
Another returned review.

Unfortunately I probably won't be able to get as in depth in this one because I just...liked the chapter a lot, but don't really have a whole long list of reasons for liking it. Really, I think what I like the most about it is Annabelle's relationship with Susie. Just like the mother's relationship with Annabelle, it feels so...damnedly real. And for me, it's something I can really sympathize with, and really hit home with me because I have a little brother of my own, and our age difference is about is big (if not bigger) than the one between Annabelle and Susie. And, like it or not, I realized I recognized a lot of my own behavior towards him in Susie. Which made me go O_o and promise to be nicer to him from then on. :D

There isn't much hint of plot in this chapter (though now apparently we have a bit of a stakeout planned), and it doesn't really explore the foreshadowing in the previous chapter, but I didn't feel that the story was dragging in any way. This is a nice chapter that does its job-it sets up Susie and Annabelle's relationship. Like I said, I feel their relationship is very realistic. How Susie tells Annabelle stories and teases her and belittles and teaches her bad words, yet at the same time does seem to genuinely care about Annabelle (giving her the chocolate milkshake, feeling bad when she cries). You set up the contrast between the two girls well, with Susie's crassness contrasting Annabelle's meekness. I was a bit surprised at how old Susie was-from the last chapter I got the impression that she was only a few years older than Annabelle, maybe around 12 or so, not twice her age. But then again, Susie only got a bare mention in the last chapter.

It's definitely a sign you've done a good job when the reader can empathize with a character, even in a negative way. Too often when we speak of making characters sympathetic we think of only making them sympathetic in a good way, but it's also possible to make a character that hits home for the reader because they aren't portrayed as entirely positive. Which Susie did for me. XD Now I feel terrible for traumatizing my little brother. Wonder if Susie will eventually have such a change in heart?

Now I'm going to unleash the grammar pedant in me and point out that in some respects, you do need to improve on your mechanics. You don't make major errors, but I did notice that you made the "it's/its" and "you're/your" error at points in this story, which kind of dragged me out of the flow. It is difficult to remember the difference between them, I know; for "its/it's" I find it's easiest to simply say "it is" every time you see "it's," and see if the sentence makes any sense or not. If it doesn't, chances are you intended to use the possessive, not the contraction. Saying "you are" when you see "you're" helps in the same way. Granted, these are minor errors but ones I've trained myself to automatically see because they're so common in rough drafts.

Other than a few mechanical errors here and there, this story is as a whole enjoyable and I'm looking forward to more. ^^ I really love how each chapters makes me want to click on to the next one because I'm enjoying it so much. So good job there.

4/11/2010 c1 Bickazer
Your review returned from We Return Reviews. :)

I apologize in advance if this seems rambly or incoherent; I'm very tired right now so I'm not at the most lucid. PM me if you have any questions.

Interesting; I liked this even though normally I'm not one to go for suspense/horror. Which is weird; I do like getting thrills, which is why I hang out at Creepypasta all the time. But I find a lot of attempted horror/suspense writing falls flat because it's either too mundane or over-the-top. I'll have to admit that I didn't exactly get a thrill from this story, not the way I do from the best Creepypastas which keep me awake and shivering at night, but then again I get the feeling that you're not trying to scare the audience in this story, but convey Annabelle's fear. And you've done a very good job at it. I like how she's terrified of the small but subtle hints that something's wrong-the lamp lighting up in the mirror but not IRL, for instance. It's not melodramatically over-the-top and it's definitely realistic for the sort of thing that would scare a kid that age in the middle of night. I've long had a slight phobia of mirrors at night, as well as a fear that someone's watching me, so this story pretty much played exactly to my fears in a very nice, subtle, understated way which could potentially happen to any of us. Honestly, if you had Annabelle see some scary figure in the mirror, I'd have instantly clicked the back button, because that's too much too soon. The subtlety you're using right now works well in creating an atmosphere of tension and mystery, as well as making it easy for the mother to trivialize Annabelle's fears.

I think what really made the story for me wasn't the suspense aspect but the mother. Admittedly, the "dismissive authority figure" is too common in ghost/haunting/supernatural stories involving children, but the way you depicted the mother feels very realistic. I think it's because you're showing more the mother's effect on Annabelle than her own attitude (if this makes any sense...). Because of her mother's dismissiveness, Annabelle gets trapped further and further in a spiral of fear she can't escape because the one person who she should be able to trust doesn't trust her. I truly did feel her pain when her mother called her a liar, though I can see where the mother is coming from-she certainly comes across as a harried working mom. Another point in her favor-most of the "dismissive authority figure" types are depicted as being completely callous and uncaring, or at least hopelessly stupid, but Annabelle's mother does have genuine reasons for wanting to trivialize Annabelle's fears. The discussion between her and Aunt Gloria on parenting was a nice touch, too, especially how it contrasts Annabelle's mother's more protective nature with Aunt Gloria's more laissez-faire attitude.

And wonderful hints of mystery with what happened to Annabelle's father, and this "Morgan." I'm intrigued, and I'm definitely going on to the next chapter. ^^ A sign that you have done your job as a suspense writer!

4/1/2010 c1 xenolith
'and one day, Annabelle got the distinct feeling that it was looking at her more than she had ever looked at it.' - Excellent! Nice, eerie! And a weird way of thinking about a mirror... *nervous double-take at mirror*

'Annabelle looked at her lamp – the one at her bedside was cold, grey and dead. The one reflected in the mirror, however, was bright and twinkling.' - Nice imagery, specially the grey and dead of what should be real contrasted with the twinkling in the mirror.

'"Keeping the kid on a diet of Disney and lies then?"' - ouch! lol

'knocking on the wrong side of a sheet of glass' - scary!

Okay so what was great about this was the way you made it really sound like a child was narrating it. No nonsense sentences, thought processes, simple descriptions, and a heightened sense of fear. I liked it. The way the adult conversation was handles was also done very well, very realistic. And the mystery element was great. No concrit for now, or maybe just a tiny gripe about a stronger intro, I got bored of the description of the mirror quite easily (but that's my crap attention span more than anything lol).

From WRR :D