for Mayhem, Meet Your Match7/30/2010 c1 Dark Lynnette
Yikes. Kinda crazy. Evan's feelins and need to be in the band in spite of his fear were so honest and scary. Great job depicting that. Jordan was just scary. Still, I read all the way till the end and was entertained and disturbed. I think you did your job quite well.
Yikes. Kinda crazy. Evan's feelins and need to be in the band in spite of his fear were so honest and scary. Great job depicting that. Jordan was just scary. Still, I read all the way till the end and was entertained and disturbed. I think you did your job quite well.
12/6/2009 c1 
8dizzymslizzy
damn thats hot! total couch casting ;) only there was no couch lol great job i love it
8dizzymslizzydamn thats hot! total couch casting ;) only there was no couch lol great job i love it
3/14/2009 c1 purklepunk
i loved this i mean oure art work truth is that a friend printed it off for me amazing i think i read it 3 times and its sequal from the same friend
i loved this i mean oure art work truth is that a friend printed it off for me amazing i think i read it 3 times and its sequal from the same friend
12/15/2008 c1 71Subbie
Oh wow. Slightly disturbing, but I love it.
Great job on this one! And to think that their relationship could've gone completely different, but nope, had to take that way. Anyways, I REALLY like this peice.
Twisted. But I love it.
Lee
71SubbieOh wow. Slightly disturbing, but I love it.
Great job on this one! And to think that their relationship could've gone completely different, but nope, had to take that way. Anyways, I REALLY like this peice.
Twisted. But I love it.
Lee
10/2/2008 c1 1Kneecap
Would be worlds better if your character descriptions weren't unerringly fangirlish and a little annoying. "caramel hair" - it's just...grah, I don't like it. Would you write a description of yourself just like that? Without a single flaw at all? If not, then your writing would be in a whole other class.
Also, boys which look stunningly and girlishly beautiful - androgynous - are exceptionally rare and far too over-done in slash fiction. Make your boys look like boys. I'd say in about 99% of cases, when a boy walked into a room, he wouldn't look down and gnaw on his "full bottom" lip and stutter like that. Your other characters seem more believable because they have male personalities and appearances. Evan does not.
And making him look all anorexic? I wish you hadn't D: it's just another cliche on a giant mound of cliches.
Evan is submissive to the point of ludicrousness. Would YOU sit down on the floor just because some stranger you didn't know told you to? Hmm, I find Evan a pain in the ass, BIG TIME.
But your writing style and use of adjectives is very powerful. If you steered away from cliches and wrote something a little less mainstream, you could be excellent.
I can read the plot very easily. That's the problem with cliches.
Ok, it seems Patrick has no flaws either. I think you can guess how I feel about that.
Also, brackets in fiction are a bit of a no-no. Use hyphens instead.
The erotic parts were ok, but I found it difficult to get over your character's perfections. And they're both very typecast: the girlish-looking submissive boy, all timid and vaguely pathetic and his too-aggressive rapist/lover. I wish your plot was a little more original. It'd make your story 50 times better.
Patrick even has a shlong? Eh, the straw that broke the camel's back...
How does 'less' sound like 'fuck'? And I think five minutes is a bit too long. Most guys would change positions after about a minute or two, and most don't have that high a threshold xD.
The prostate really isn't that amazing. Certainly not so outstandingly amazing that he'd moan whoreishly. But the sex wasn't horrifically overdone, so it's nothing to get worried about xD.
Nice ending line though, it was quite fluffy, but I still liked it. Overall, it was alright. I'm kind of biased against cliches though. I prefer more original storylines :), but I can tell you have a strong writing style.
1KneecapWould be worlds better if your character descriptions weren't unerringly fangirlish and a little annoying. "caramel hair" - it's just...grah, I don't like it. Would you write a description of yourself just like that? Without a single flaw at all? If not, then your writing would be in a whole other class.
Also, boys which look stunningly and girlishly beautiful - androgynous - are exceptionally rare and far too over-done in slash fiction. Make your boys look like boys. I'd say in about 99% of cases, when a boy walked into a room, he wouldn't look down and gnaw on his "full bottom" lip and stutter like that. Your other characters seem more believable because they have male personalities and appearances. Evan does not.
And making him look all anorexic? I wish you hadn't D: it's just another cliche on a giant mound of cliches.
Evan is submissive to the point of ludicrousness. Would YOU sit down on the floor just because some stranger you didn't know told you to? Hmm, I find Evan a pain in the ass, BIG TIME.
But your writing style and use of adjectives is very powerful. If you steered away from cliches and wrote something a little less mainstream, you could be excellent.
I can read the plot very easily. That's the problem with cliches.
Ok, it seems Patrick has no flaws either. I think you can guess how I feel about that.
Also, brackets in fiction are a bit of a no-no. Use hyphens instead.
The erotic parts were ok, but I found it difficult to get over your character's perfections. And they're both very typecast: the girlish-looking submissive boy, all timid and vaguely pathetic and his too-aggressive rapist/lover. I wish your plot was a little more original. It'd make your story 50 times better.
Patrick even has a shlong? Eh, the straw that broke the camel's back...
How does 'less' sound like 'fuck'? And I think five minutes is a bit too long. Most guys would change positions after about a minute or two, and most don't have that high a threshold xD.
The prostate really isn't that amazing. Certainly not so outstandingly amazing that he'd moan whoreishly. But the sex wasn't horrifically overdone, so it's nothing to get worried about xD.
Nice ending line though, it was quite fluffy, but I still liked it. Overall, it was alright. I'm kind of biased against cliches though. I prefer more original storylines :), but I can tell you have a strong writing style.
9/29/2008 c1 10zeropop
loved it :
dark
fragile/broken/tough
menacing
innocent/with a touch of/not so innocence
i don't know how you do it
but don't stop.
!
10zeropoploved it :
dark
fragile/broken/tough
menacing
innocent/with a touch of/not so innocence
i don't know how you do it
but don't stop.
!
9/19/2008 c1 33Sit In Solemn Silence
O, muy provacativo! A mi me encanta la video musica para "Darkest of Kin". Estuvo una historia muy divertida. Lamento que esto fuera sólo un capítulo!
O, very hot/provacative! I love the music video for "Darkest of Kin". It was a really fun story. I wish it wasn't only one chapter!
(i thought since you asked in spanish, I would reply in spanish)
33Sit In Solemn SilenceO, muy provacativo! A mi me encanta la video musica para "Darkest of Kin". Estuvo una historia muy divertida. Lamento que esto fuera sólo un capítulo!
O, very hot/provacative! I love the music video for "Darkest of Kin". It was a really fun story. I wish it wasn't only one chapter!
(i thought since you asked in spanish, I would reply in spanish)