Just In
for Cold

10/28/2008 c1 36SacrificialLamb
"It pierces my heart with needles of ice

And coats my words in frost"~ absolutely gorgeous, definitely my favorite part of the poem. I’m excited to read more of your writing
9/2/2008 c1 1Kevin Miles
I like this quite a bit. Love can be cold, yet brilliant. I have a few suggestions, but note that they are only suggestions and mostly for the sake of rhythm. Please do not be offended, I tend to tear everything apart when I read it out of habit and based on how I treat my own pieces. What the following is is simply a few lines re-written with some words changed. S= stanza and L= line. Here you go.

S1 L2: And coats my words IN FROST

S1 L5: As I look UPON your face

S2 L3 IT MAKES ME ache all over

S3 L5: Wondering if YOUR ice will still support me

S4 L1: The cold is freezing WITHIN my mind

S4 L3: When the dragonflies WOULD flit

Again, please understand that I make these suggestions not thinking myself better in any way. I am merely speaking my mind... well, typing it, at least. I hope these help either here or in future works.

Don't worry, I am going to review more pieces as soon as I can.

Keep writing.

Leafeus Agamemnon

Scott Broderus

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service