12/6/2014 c9 6French The Llama
Cool sonnet. If your want your first and third lines to rhyme, unread and read are slightly pathetic, as read aloud, the read in your poem has a long 'e', but I can't think of an alternative. The interior rhymes of oh/woe and trying/sing work well. You've got almost perfect good iambic pentameter too which is notoriously difficult to keep to. The only time you break the iambic pentameter is in the first line of last couplet, which symbolises the change from the woes to the resolution. 'Wandering,' in your previous draft would fit iambic pentameter, but curious works better for your meaning; the hang is randomly wandering, it cares about this poem.

You've even managed to have good topic breaks by an English sonnet, going from the poem's woes, to the description of the poem's appearance, to it's meaning, to true happiness! Basically you've kept to English sonnet rules perfectly. I'm kind of jealous, to be honest. For me, it's either poem rules or meaning; I can't do both.

Their is some great imagery in the second and third stanza. The idea's pretty easy to relate to, even though it's describing a poem because it matches 'unrecognised poet' emotions. You could work on bringing more emotion across though.

7/29/2009 c5 36Kate Marshall
I think it's really cool this is haiku. (Is it a particular type? You have 5/7/5 for the first two, then 7/5/7 for the rest. I'm not familiar with all the names.) Even though you don't have to hold to the syllable format any more, all of your lines did. Which is pretty impressive. :)

"sweltering domain" I just really like that line. The description for Hell seems accurate. It seems like it should be called a 'domain'. :P

I love the ending. It has good closure, and the thought is interesting. Can he cry? Or is repentance only given to the redeemed? The concept and idea reminds me of Dante's Inferno, because of how much the poem contradicts it. (Since in that book, the damned can't feel guilt for what they've done, because Hell is what they chose to have.) All the same, the ending had nice imagery, and I enjoyed reading your take on it. :)

-Peach. Review Squader for the RM!

7/8/2009 c35 36Kate Marshall
The topic and how you developed it was wonderful. (I assume I'm right when I say it's about nature, Mother Earth, ect.?) It's very ambiguous, and I didn't understand that you were talking about until the end. So I was curious and attentive the whole read. I thoroughly enjoyed the way you wrote the topic; very clever, very mysterious and unearthly feeling.

"for the Fat Man that did a cannonball..." I think another word could replace "Fat Man". I'm really not a fan of such a humorous line in the middle of the poem. I thought it threw the poem 'off-balance'.

"I feel so hollow and barren now." Can I describe how much I love that line? I suppose I'll try. I'm just fascinated with it, because you wouldn't think of 'mother earth' or whatever as being hollow. I think the contradiction is very creative and poetic. :D Thumbs up.

Wonderful! :D

-Peach. This is a Review Squader review for the Review Marathon! Congrats!

2/17/2009 c11 Chasing Skylines
I was wondering at your repetition of words till I remembered what a sestina was. You are allowed to alter the words, correct? As in, I see magic used as magical, and fantasy as fantastical.

I can't say I liked the imagery. The wondrous sense of fantasy was a miss here. You merely state that everything is so, but don't give thorough examples. It does tie in with imagination and leaving the reader to their own devices, but besides the dragon having feathery wings, a globe (a 'distant world), and possibly "the mind's eye", I can't envision much else. I am going to guess the sestina's don't allow much room to navigate regarding imagery, as those same six words must be used each stanza, so I guess the lack of aesthetically pleasing lines is okay.

[was nothing but a reality in a fantastical land.]

I liked that line.

[The only thing that can peel me from here is reality.]

Because I show favoritism to verbs over adjectives/etc., I liked your use of 'peel' here, as long as a few other choice lines with a good choice of verb diction.

I also liked how you built up throughout the whole poem, since it gave the last line more impact.

Good job.

-Sesshy

1/5/2009 c27 612simpleplan13
"all the while screaming at"... all the while just seemed like a filler phrase to make a line. I might describe the screaming more instead. Or do "screaming at the top of my lungs,/'Watch out!'"

I didn't really like splitting up smiley and face into two different stanzas, it sounded a bit awkward to me. I'm also not too sure why the smiley face would make ants realize you were insane? That just confused me a bit.

I really like how that last line fits with your other piece. I also like the personification again, really interesting and well done. Your descriptions in certain parts are nice as well. Some if it is kinda plain, but it has to be to set the right personality for the bomb. I also like the message and irony here. Nice job.

12/14/2008 c1 Farah
Interesting format. :P

11/19/2008 c6 1E.M. Anderson
I tried to reply to this about a week ago (give or take; it was around the time the second draft came into existence, I believe). Of course, that response ended up exceeding the character limit, and I simply couldn't justify all the rambling I was doing. So, I've taken a week and decided to come back and give it another shot. I'll try to be brief.

First off, I'd like to say that your "Questions" poem (now titled Exhilaration I see) is a fine attempt, but it doesn't work out. You tried something, and for that, I think you deserve some credit. But, I also have to tell you that, from where I'm sitting, it didn't work out.

The poem is too long for my tastes, and uses an excruciating amount of detail, when it is unneeded. You keep the metaphor going for eight couplets, which is far too long, in my opinion.

Remember: Don't use a hundred words when ten will do.

I must also say that, on an emotional level, this poem seems dead to me. Maybe I'm dead on the inside or I just lack good taste, but when I read it, I didn't feel anything. I think your phrasing and word choice are partially responsible for my paralysis.

"Skillfully negotiating each consecutive sinuous corner delectably ... " First of all, this is awkward to read and you have a sentence structure problem which gnaws at the mind. As for the word choice, outside of a Math Classroom when are you ever going to hear the word "sinuous" used, in context? It just doesn't fit with the character of the poem.

You're also trying to describe the race in such vivid detail that, frankly, I find it anything but exhilarating. If you want the poem to be exhilarating, or at least about exhilaration, you have to capture that, and I've come to find (through my own experiences) that drawn-out vivid description is none too exhilarating.

A lot of young writers seem to do this; I know I did, and I know a lot of my friends wrote the same way when they started out. Being grandiose and excessively thorough in your detail is not necessarily a good thing. This is especially true in poetry. You have to let your reader imagine some things.

As a writer, you have to see when something isn't working; and this, my friend, is not working. Learn what you can from the experience, and from what the other reviewers have said, but move on from it.

You do have talent. You're not a bad writer. Don't let this discourage you. Keep writing.

But realize this poem is as good as it's ever going to get.

Keep writing.

11/11/2008 c5 4B. J. Winters
All the questions are do, or did. With that in mind I wonder if you need them phased as is. While the repetition has its own value, I wonder if leaving out the "do you" (you is always implied anyway) and finding repetition in hear, hear, feel, feel, might be better from a pacing standpoint - or make it more unique - more action oriented to go with the race imagery.

Example: "Nearing the finishline, the familiar pitter patter on the windshield enters my ears - feel my disappointment."

Of course that makes this not questions, but statements and dramatically changes the flavor of the piece...so...maybe that's not the best suggestion.

If you are going for more of an action feel, I would remove the transition words at the start of each line. "Despite", "While" and start each line with a verb or the relevant noun (e.g. the rubber, squealing wipers). In particularly, I don't like "successfully negotiating" - those words didn't seem to go with "excitment" on that line.

I liked that you moved through each part of the car, letting each stand alone and leave an impression. Consider starting from the inside and then working your way out. You are outside (curves) and then inside (radio) and then outside (flag). While the start and end of the race was there I could see an alternative of using the environment differently - reordering this and unwrapping the driver like an onion vs. bopping around.

The 'my ears' 'my disappointment' was unexpected and worked in my opinion. I particularly liked the 'song of tension' line for it too was unusual.

The pictures were good. The flow of the race painted an image. My main suggestion would be to keep the race imagery and leverage that with more action oriented framing.

It got me thinking. Poetry should do that. Kudos.