Just In
for Nathaniel's First Day

6/19/2011 c5 17mousegirl05
What and interesting way to tell a story. I like multiple perspectives. I think the short nature of each snippet made it difficult to get close to the piece, but that was hardly avoidable; it was a very interesting format. Cheers!
5/2/2009 c2 13Shadowhound
First off, very unoriginal name for the water mage. It doesn't really matter, but having a water mage with a name like Aqueous is like having a fire mage with a name like Pyro, or an earth mage named Rocky. Ironically, you could have named your guy Moist and I'd have been okay with it.

Are you going with the four classic elements?

First and third sentences are run-on. Also, there's almost no description or dialogue to describe Aqueous. From this short chapter I have no idea who this person is, aside from him being the strongest water mage in the Magical Disturbance Division. I understand you're under a word limit, but there's not really any difference between Aqueous and some stock character. In contrast, you do a better job fleshing out Matthias and Nathaniel in two hundred words.

Okay, the strength issue actually brings up a point I like to make concerning elemental magic. How exactly is their power gauged? Try not to confine your judgment of a person's magical abilities by their magic muscles, call it their capacity. An intelligent person who has an in-depth understanding of their element's nature. A creative mage with a smaller capacity but a large store of knowledge can be much more deadly than a stronger mage who knows nothing. Think of two fire mages. One throws a fireball, the other boils the blood in his opponent's veins.

9/15/2008 c5 7EarthSkyDaughter
LOL...Go, Nathanial!
9/14/2008 c5 9Aleksy The Flying Onion
O vindictive!

I'd like to comment though, that I thought the word "pissed' was kind of outta place.I also noticed that you don't use commas very often-which is fine if that is the style you like to write in. There were just a few instances where I got lost in the sentence a little bit.

This is a fun story so far! I really, really like the way it is written. Seeing the same thing in five perspectives is actually very refreshing, and would probably drudge on and one if the chapters were longer. I think they're the perfect length. Great job!
9/14/2008 c4 Aleksy The Flying Onion
Ah, the joys of budding hormones. ;)
9/12/2008 c3 Aleksy The Flying Onion
All of the details about the 'manicured elite' are excellent. I enjoyed this one. Update soon! I want to know how it ends.
9/12/2008 c2 Aleksy The Flying Onion
I like this too, but it didn't feel as complete as the first one.

Is this supposed to be a progression of chapters that eventually lead to a climax or a group of stand alones? I get the impression it is the first one.

Oh yes, and I like his name too. :)
9/12/2008 c1 Aleksy The Flying Onion
Buahah I love her attitude about it. So clinical and detached because explosions have become to commonplace.

It's an interesting challenge. Did you make it up yourself?

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