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for Men and Roses

4/2/2009 c5 4bfoundwanting
I feel as if all you ever write about is her getting dressed. Every chapter is so short that 3/4 of each of them is always taken up with description of her clothes and her maids dressing her... is this intentional? It seems to jump around quite a lot and I have a feeling that something is missing. hm..
4/2/2009 c3 bfoundwanting
Hm... maybe the second chapter is unintentionally so short? Because it ends off at "How do you like school so far?" and then the next chapter is all ready 6 months forward... strange jump.

still curious to see where this goes.
4/2/2009 c2 bfoundwanting
I really really don't like how short this chapter is.. it really breaks the reader from the story to have a paragraph as a chapter. I don't mean to make this to seem harsh, but I think it would do your story a great deal of good if you combined some of the chapters.
4/2/2009 c1 bfoundwanting

Interesting concept, I think, from what I can gather from the summary and the first chapter. For the most part it is very well written... though you had a very confusing line when you were talking about going through the city etc.

I noticed you didn't have very many reviews, so I thought that even though the story is finished I would put my two cents in. I hope that this story is full of dangerous characters and dramatic interactions, as I think it may be (from the summary and the M rating). I am looking forward to reading more about poor Sarah.
4/1/2009 c16 4Shriken
OKAY, she's obviously growing up. I like these more, I think maybe you should cut out some of your beginning chapters and go immediately onto this part.
4/1/2009 c8 Shriken
OKay, she likes Mickey, but apparently not that much because she fell in love with the turd that gave the 8 yr old girl to Samson. Please write why Micheal was scared of Samson. That's the impression he gives because he just capitulates so readily. it's his business, and yet, a customer is pushing him around.

I have, as of yet, seen no redeeming factor that Micheal has. He's not the boss of his own business, and he falls in love with 13 yr. old girls who have no personality. He rides and looks pretty. but that's it.

My advice for you...think, NO TYPOS, TRANSITION, and CHARACTER BUILDING. Read the favorites I have on my account too.
4/1/2009 c7 Shriken
I read the next chapters already. I STILL don't get why she fell in love with him. There was no transition, they just up and fell in love.
4/1/2009 c6 Shriken
Doesn't she become even the slightest bit furious to have them take liberties like that? Give her more personality.
4/1/2009 c1 Shriken
The beginning paragraphs, especially this part..."“-And when I’m older, I’ll have a good job and I can bring you and dad money, then the boys can go to school like me,” I hurried to tell her as the chauffer strode back. I kissed her cheek and brushed away the tear from the other side. I took her motherly look in one last time then pivoted around and walked over to the horses. I slide into the cab of the black carriage as the grey haired man closed the door, fixed his suit and jumped up to the driver’s seat. I looked out the window and watched my house disappear behind me. The houses got larger and the people walking about them looked richer."...

Gave me the impression this was set in the present, but your proceeding paragraphs set it in the time where women were only beginning to where bloomers. Especially the word chauffer, I think they had butlers, pageboys, but no chauffers. Coachman is more appropriate I think.

And the part about getting a job and earning lots of money, what era does she live in exactly? I'm getting confused. I don't think suffragettes where even there at this time. Bluestockings maybe, but definitely no women's equality thing.
4/1/2009 c5 Shriken
Can you give some background info on why her birthday was celebrated so lavishly? It threw me for a loop since only 18th bdays are mostly given such importance. And she's already been their a few months, I would have liked to be given more info on her experiences there, whether she was homesick the first few days, does she like to read? I know she likes horse, and clothes(I think), but apart from that, you haven't done much character building.
4/1/2009 c3 Shriken
All right point taken. Constructive criticism, not just bashing.

For this one, just clean up the chapter. I saw a lot of typos, and you write Mickey's name wrong. I do see the effort you made on the description of her when she put on her clothes, I just didn't review it yesterday because I don't think clothes dressing is that interesting.
3/31/2009 c13 Shriken
The man's a bit of an idiot. She's thirteen years old and all the lessons he's given her are on how to be a lady. Of course she wouldn't be ready for sex. And he doesn't seem that sincere as well when he asks for her forgiveness. He keeps leaving her notes , and Sarah, the twit, keeps falling in love with him although Mickey, a 9-year-old girl, was just given over to that disgusting fool Samson who'll probably rape her everyday until she grows up. In which case he'll probably sell her to a brothel as well.

This story has got so many illogical open-ending lines, it's unbelievable.

But I have to say, there is some potential to this story, just as long as you're willing to rewrite it over and over again. The potential is the reason why I continue to read.
3/31/2009 c4 Shriken
It;s a bit weird. She's riding sidesaddle, and yet, she's cantering and jumping the horse. She shouldn't be able to do that at all if she's sitting like that.
2/28/2009 c15 pille-ip
Hmm, a little scary, definitely intriguing, really really different (that is you've got your own style and I appreciate it). I got goosebumps actually, but maybe it's just me being a worrywart and scaredycat (fretting for the protagonist as always).
11/4/2008 c1 egrace
Nice story. Might I suggest introducing a rival into the plot for Sarah? May the plot thicken I say... Keep up the good work.
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