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for Look Through My Eyes

11/28/2010 c7 12lianoid
I enjoyed the second stanza because of phrases like “Fermenting words” and “ink blood”. They painted interesting images in my mind that I felt was the reason this piece was so strong.

And I adore the last line. Again, wonderful imagery there, but I especially liked it because I felt it wrapped up everything nicely. A great way to end.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/28/2010 c6 lianoid
Ah, I really liked this. This piece was so delicately written and I think it translated well to create a relaxed yet somewhat pained vibe. I like how the narrator was a mother and she was thinking about how her son has grown older and no longer needs her as much, because I’m not a mother and sometimes I forget these things, so it’s nice to be exposed to another perspective every now and again. Lovely piece. :)

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/28/2010 c5 lianoid
I love the rhythm in this! It’s light and fun even though the event is a little... not dark, but just not as light. Ha-ha. I dunno, I just think you struck a nice contrast there between light rhythm and subject matter. Your rhymes were especially enjoyable because I didn’t find them simple and dull. You wove your words together beautifully to create a really neat poem.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/28/2010 c4 lianoid
I loved your descriptions in this piece. They seemed so carefully thought out and you wove them together beautifully. I thought this was a really creative legend, and I especially enjoyed the part where Mother Earth admired the witch-doctor’s love for his daughter and protected him.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/28/2010 c3 lianoid
I would have liked a bit more description in this piece. It was mainly dialogue driven and I think you could have fleshed it out a bit more by adding description which I also think would help with the pace (which was a bit quick, I feel).

I like how I didn’t even notice this was a second person narrative. Ha-ha. It’s one of my favourite voices so I was delightfully surprised and pleased when I realized you employed the use of it. I think it worked nicely here *because* it's not noticeable.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/28/2010 c2 lianoid
Were it a cry of rage for the act this man had done, or one which warriors roared before a battle, or a call for his ancestors for him to draw strength upon, I did not know.

-Edit: Change “Were” to “Was”.

What an intense dream. I’m impressed you were able to recall it and make a short out of it.

I enjoyed how you were able to convey such strong emotions of shame and fear in such a short period of time. I felt both for the dog and the narrator because of your skill doing such.

The opening description definitely tugged at me, but I like how you didn’t go into too much detail and go over the top with it. I think you struck a nice balance between emotions, actions and inner thoughts.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
11/28/2010 c1 lianoid
I really liked the rhyme scheme in this. It wasn’t a fixed one, but I think your rhymes were creative enough in their rhythm and structure that it kept the piece fresh.

My favourite line is the last one. It’s a lot longer than the others but it had a great rhythm to it that wrapped everything up nicely. Good stuff. :D

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
8/8/2010 c1 this wild abyss
A very beautiful and strong piece. The narrator’s tone was unique and interesting, and the content was solid and I thought it rang true. The only thing I might have to say is that “wanna” got a little old towards the end, but I’m glad to see you used an easy, conversation-like approach to this piece. Great work.
7/3/2010 c1 9Experiment101
I think using the word "wanna" instead of "Want to" makes this less serious, and more like song lyrics.

The content is good by I would advise against using words like "Wanna".

- E from the road house.
6/11/2010 c15 9Alteng
I saw that one coming! I was hoping that Ben would be smarter than that. i was wrong!
6/11/2010 c14 Alteng
Well, you do have all those elements in there, and there are some interesting imagery with the blue scar in the sky and the snake. It almost makes the poem sinister.
5/3/2010 c7 4BlaznFangurl
Umm, well I don't know, I really just don't know...It was beautiful again but that is all I can say XD
5/3/2010 c6 BlaznFangurl
Aww, so beautiful yet kind of very depressing. I am glad I don't want to be a mom, seems sad :P
5/3/2010 c5 BlaznFangurl
Pretty random yea but also really pretty :)
5/3/2010 c4 BlaznFangurl
x That is so cute and semi sad, I could never think of something like that.
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