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for Look Through My Eyes

1/22/2010 c16 22Mizzuz Spock
This is a wonderful little story and I especially like how the wolf goes from a tough fighter, struggling to survive to sort of...woman's best friend. x]

I love how everything is told in animal form, too. "Two-legs, White leaves, Big Wet, Big Claw, Bad Cold." It really helped make the animal believable for me. He has his own words for things, and it makes sense. I loved it, especially the Bad Cold.

There were a few tense changes between present and past, especially in the last few paragraphs, but those were the only glaring mistakes I could find.

This piece was confusing, but in a good way. We see this through the wolf's eyes, so it makes sense and it's all justified. I'm not one-hundred percent sure why the woman would come out and start talking to the wolf, as if she already knows he can understand, but that's just me nitpicking.

I really did enjoy this story and felt the wolf was wonderfully characterized. It's a bit of a sad story, but hopeful and the ending has just the right amount of closure.

Good work. :]
1/21/2010 c16 10taerkitty
Interesting beginning. It's a bit confusing at first, but clears up by the time Macker's owner gives the final command. I'm not sure what the Big Claw is.

The second section, where we meet the female, is devoid of setting. It's in a vacuum, and that makes it difficult to figure out what's going on, such as how she is moving her hand to get food where he can't follow it.

I like the phrases he uses to describe concepts rarely experienced, such as The Big Wet.

Unsure what the white leaves are. A clipboard and notes, perhaps?

Unsure why her face is hidden.

Good ending. We have made a rapport betwen Christine and the wolf. We've also learned in a subtle tell that he's starting to learn her voices and inflections.

The story captures the wolf's confusion and unfamiliarity with captivity, so there are some aspects where the reader being confused is acceptable and even expected. However, there's also an overall sense of confusion, where, even if the wolf doesn't know what's going on, I as reader would like to know.

There's a lack of description in many places. Christie is an important person to the story, but I have no idea what she looks like. Perhaps this is accurate as well - maybe the wolf doesn't care what she looks like, only that her hands don't hurt him.

Overall, it's a nice and novel story. I'm surprised and pleased to see it told from the wolf's perspective (not first person, but close to the wolf at all times, and never straying is effectively the same as first person, just with different pronouns)

I would prefer a bit more detail in the surroundsing, And, I'd like to have an understanding of what Christie wants - to adopt, to release back to the wild, or to put in a 'modern zoo' where animals are not caged (though their habitats are limited by skillfully placed rivers and gullies.)

Very well done.
1/21/2010 c16 30sophiesix
I love the start in the middle of an action, it conveys the chaos and and, well, action, nicely for me. Dumps us right in there.

“Sticks enter the ring to jab at the animals.” I love the, the whatsitcalled, the removed-from-humanity-ness of that line, like the sticks are without human minds behind, which is pretty much the truth, in that the minds aren’t human :)

“urges him to fight, to bite, to kill” love the rhythm in that, like slaps.

“A strangled cry rises from the wolf” oh! Sad

“attentively” attentively or tentatively? Both work

“his ears flat” poor dude. Wolves are cool.

“She comes back” to make this more effective I’d need an image of where she’s coming back to? Is the wolf in a cage? A shed? A room?

“One time she talks about “fight”, and he bares his teeth. But there is nothing to fight.” Oh, poor chicken. He’s had enough. Harry will look after him. But he mustn’t eat luther or brutus, else edgar will slice open his toes

“it looks too flimsy to bite” lol, I like how this is the first instinct: biteable, or not biteable? XD

“He snaps at the air” I like that image. Hurt pride and fear in one.

“Bad Cold” wasn’t sure what this meant? Is it the name of a dog?

“You like that name?” Agonizingly slowly, she placed a strip of meat between them” love the controlled movement and voice here, it’s just the way she should be, not showing the wolf any fear, letting him concentrate on the meat.

I kinda liked the title ‘zealot’ better, I dunno why :) hope he has a sweet life with the ocean lady from now on!
1/21/2010 c16 36Vulpine Ninja
Since it's in present tense, the 3rd line should be "Ears flattens".

Then it should be "The wolf knows THAT he's caught".

Okay now on the story. It's confusing at first. I had to read it twice to get what's going on. But I'm confused with Mackers, wolf and in the end Zealot.

To finally meet a nice human being is pretty common, but I can see that Christie is not a typical girl next door. She's mysterious. I'm having multiple guesses about what she is. I wish you'd tell us more, but I think it's fine the way it is. It's the wolf's point of view anyway.

Overall, it's an ok story. Not too overwhelming yet quite intriguing.
1/21/2010 c1 1xenolith
hm, nice one. The ambition to be free here is something that's easy to relate to, we all want the strength to be ourselves but sometimes it's easier said than done. I had to read it a couple times, but overall I quite enjoyed it. Kinda sad. I liked the lines:

'I wanna be free

I wanna be me'

Well done.
1/10/2010 c4 6Kalista Jia
I am not eating kiwi after reading this touching chapter~ wah~ kiwi~ (it is such a cute word by the way) kiwi~ he turned into a kiwi ...that cute little fruit!(totally not expecting that!) ^_^

The ending is really neat! really like it. Well as if I will ever dislike any of your wonderful works. Pfft! ^_^

Parental love is such a priceless love. A huge supporter to parental love!

~Kalista Jia~
1/10/2010 c3 Kalista Jia
OMG This chapter is so cute!

"I clamber onto the seat and you exert pressure on my little back, letting me sway to and fro, to and fro. I reach out with one hand, thinking that I can touch the sky. My other hand clutches tightly on the yellow plastic covering the chains. Five pudgy fingers curl proudly around it.

“Higher!” My shrill, childish voice rings out when I realize I cannot possibly reach the sky with the current height."

(AW! MOE! SO ADORABLE. It makes me feel like running (midnight) to the nearest park and start swinging!... never mind that... it is winter here and my bum will be frozen... not to mention scary thingys might pop up at night...=_=)

"“Even if they’re pretty?” I turn my head to look at you. You smile, though your eyes are sad.

“Even if they’re pretty.” You caress my face and I turn back. You return to the story. “The pair of angels they keep the person safe, give him wings, teach him to become an angel…. Then, when the person gets stronger and stronger, the pair of angels get older and older, until one day, they find the chest they locked up their wings in, and wear them for the last time.”

(This part is so... speechless-ly awesome and meaningful. It is ...beautiful~ *eyes sparkle in delight*)

Oh~ Angels are mama and papa...? Oh how lovely the idea is! I love it! Narq you can transform even the simplest thing into something this gorgeous~) In love~ ^_^

~Kalista Jia~
1/9/2010 c2 Kalista Jia
This chapters brought me to tears! Wah! Poor DOGGIE!

Who could someone do that to such an innocent creature? How horrible. *Animal Lover side of Kalista Jia is weeping in tears~*

Go little girl, show them the power of what a small gesture can change things!

Well she surely did, because she brought the other (*ahem* mean bystanders to their senses)

her last words stung the atmosphere. “You so mean! Poor doggie! Doggie get up, doggie go home!”

(SOB~*Cry a river* Go doggie run!)

My heart shatters and aches for this little brave girl!

This chapter is so touching~ *wipe tears* and intense filled with raw emotions of a normal human beings. Very well written.

More cries~ wuu~wuu~wuu~
1/1/2010 c15 13Lani Lenore
This story was pretty amusing. Short and to the point, which is often a good thing. Still, I think I would have liked to know what was going through Ben’s head as he went down into the water. Did he expect to emerge, or did he deliberately go down to his death over a bit of teasing? I suppose the world will never know. But it did tie in to the prompt you chose very well. A bittersweet victory. Certainly.
12/27/2009 c2 12Broken-Angel-1994
I really liked the last line of this. It's so sad, but it's fantastic.
12/27/2009 c1 Broken-Angel-1994
Sad, but very pretty. :D
12/25/2009 c1 6Kalista Jia
Narq~ long time no talk!

Great poem! It is amazing how people are good at writing nice poems just like that! *admiration!*

Wow, the use of "Wanna" is great in here! I like it a lot.

"Golden eagle with wings of history, bound by chains of mystery, whither shall I fly?"

It is so beautiful that phrase.

Nice job, Narq, as always!
12/10/2009 c2 43Patricia Louise
Very interesting dream. I quite enjoyed this. It was very well written. I especially loved the conclusion reached at the end of the chapter.
12/10/2009 c1 Patricia Louise
I really enjoyed this. Very well written. I liked the simplicity of the rhyme scheme, it really kept it flowing. Great job!
12/9/2009 c14 MacNasty
I'm not sure what to make of this poem, it is unique but I'm not sure I like it. I think what's bothering me about it is the last two lines. They don't seem to fit in with the rest.

For this line:

"Off the bike now. Inhale. Exhale. Hot. Stuffy."

Wouldn't it be "Inhales. Exhales"? Going with everything before it e.g.: "Stops" rather than "stop".

But anyway, I'm crap when it comes to poetry so my review probably doesn't mean anything. Good luck in the WCC.
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