for Byoden10/26/2008 c4 
3Lumaris
Great chapter with the description! Never fails to amaze me. I like how real it feels, great work!
Didn't find anything to note here; great work! :D
XD Kinda late here, hopefully tomorrow I can give a better review, eep! ^_^;;
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Yukimi
3LumarisGreat chapter with the description! Never fails to amaze me. I like how real it feels, great work!
Didn't find anything to note here; great work! :D
XD Kinda late here, hopefully tomorrow I can give a better review, eep! ^_^;;
~
Yukimi
10/19/2008 c3 Lumaris
Hey :)
The way the sentences seem to flow together gives this story a great feel to it. It's easy to read and the images you paint is amazing!
Just a few things I noticed is all~
"He felt air thicken and a faint oily smell like the inside of frog." It doesn't make that much sense, but do you mean something like he "smelled a faint oily scent like the inside of a frog." Or something akin. It's just a little thing, and it may just be me. ^^;
"A little logic always eases a young boys mind." = boy's
That's it ^_^ Overall, I really like this, and I'm even more curious what the thing following Byoden is! Keep it up! :D
~
Yukimi
Hey :)
The way the sentences seem to flow together gives this story a great feel to it. It's easy to read and the images you paint is amazing!
Just a few things I noticed is all~
"He felt air thicken and a faint oily smell like the inside of frog." It doesn't make that much sense, but do you mean something like he "smelled a faint oily scent like the inside of a frog." Or something akin. It's just a little thing, and it may just be me. ^^;
"A little logic always eases a young boys mind." = boy's
That's it ^_^ Overall, I really like this, and I'm even more curious what the thing following Byoden is! Keep it up! :D
~
Yukimi
10/17/2008 c2 Lumaris
Hello! :)
Wow, again the description is wonderful. :) I wonder who spoke, if it was a figment of the boy's imagination or not; in addition, it is curious why he'd have an outer-body experience. Questions! Very good :D
The only thing I noticed was that you could use italics or single-quotation marks (' ') to distinguish his thoughts. Although you wrote 'Byoden thought' - it still can be confusing. But this is just my opinion! Everyone has their own way of writing characters' thoughts. ^_^
Anyway, great chapter and I'll read the next soon! Keep it up! :)
~
Yukimi
Hello! :)
Wow, again the description is wonderful. :) I wonder who spoke, if it was a figment of the boy's imagination or not; in addition, it is curious why he'd have an outer-body experience. Questions! Very good :D
The only thing I noticed was that you could use italics or single-quotation marks (' ') to distinguish his thoughts. Although you wrote 'Byoden thought' - it still can be confusing. But this is just my opinion! Everyone has their own way of writing characters' thoughts. ^_^
Anyway, great chapter and I'll read the next soon! Keep it up! :)
~
Yukimi
10/17/2008 c1 Lumaris
Hello! :)
vein = I think you mean vain?
Great first chapter; this is intriguing! I love how you personified the stag, and the rituals were done well. In addition, I fell in love with the description - especially in the beginning. Although, I think you could use some varied sentence openers at one point (with the hunter, but I only noticed it in one paragraph.)
It kept my interest the entire time, great work! ^_^
~
Yukimi
Hello! :)
vein = I think you mean vain?
Great first chapter; this is intriguing! I love how you personified the stag, and the rituals were done well. In addition, I fell in love with the description - especially in the beginning. Although, I think you could use some varied sentence openers at one point (with the hunter, but I only noticed it in one paragraph.)
It kept my interest the entire time, great work! ^_^
~
Yukimi
9/29/2008 c3 Emijier
It seemed intriguing enough for me to continue reading, but in all honesty, while the descriptions were well written, they rather bored me. We don't need *that* much description.
Continue, though. I'd like to see where you go with this.
It seemed intriguing enough for me to continue reading, but in all honesty, while the descriptions were well written, they rather bored me. We don't need *that* much description.
Continue, though. I'd like to see where you go with this.
9/26/2008 c2 1flaubernoxis
I find this quite interesting so far. Maybe some dialogue? I do like your descriptions, though.
Update soon :)
1flaubernoxisI find this quite interesting so far. Maybe some dialogue? I do like your descriptions, though.
Update soon :)