for Every Now and Then12/26/2008 c3 Rose Elizabeth
I've read this before, in fact, more than once.
But I think it was that kind of superficial reading, where you appreciate the words, and pick up the plot, but no more than that. The deeper meanings are lost on you.
But reading it just now I am struck by it's truth. I am deeply intrigued and I want to know more!
The description of Katalyn really hit a chord with me.
I don't quite know what kind of character you intended her to be yet...I suspect there is more to her than meets the eye.
I really sympathise with Evan, however, and I think I know a Katalyn.
This paragraph in particular was very powerful:
"And yet I was helpless when it came to her. With Katalyn, I was always acutely aware of the status quo. How could I not be, when she never let me forget it for a waking moment? I was the low quality furniture to be stored away until the poor relations came to town... Yet, I was happier than I’d ever been and have been since. Because even Katalyn had need to rest her weary feet, and as furniture I was more than willing to provide that."
The "low-quality furniture" metaphor, too, is apt, and beautifully written. It's a perfect explanation of what it feels like to feel inferior to another person, yet to love them, and live for the moments when you feel equal to them.
Thank you for such a well-written and moving story.
I've read this before, in fact, more than once.
But I think it was that kind of superficial reading, where you appreciate the words, and pick up the plot, but no more than that. The deeper meanings are lost on you.
But reading it just now I am struck by it's truth. I am deeply intrigued and I want to know more!
The description of Katalyn really hit a chord with me.
I don't quite know what kind of character you intended her to be yet...I suspect there is more to her than meets the eye.
I really sympathise with Evan, however, and I think I know a Katalyn.
This paragraph in particular was very powerful:
"And yet I was helpless when it came to her. With Katalyn, I was always acutely aware of the status quo. How could I not be, when she never let me forget it for a waking moment? I was the low quality furniture to be stored away until the poor relations came to town... Yet, I was happier than I’d ever been and have been since. Because even Katalyn had need to rest her weary feet, and as furniture I was more than willing to provide that."
The "low-quality furniture" metaphor, too, is apt, and beautifully written. It's a perfect explanation of what it feels like to feel inferior to another person, yet to love them, and live for the moments when you feel equal to them.
Thank you for such a well-written and moving story.
11/1/2008 c3 Equilibrium
Brilliant writing. I love your style. Your vocabulary is great and aptly used, and the first-person narrative you use is perfect for the emotional flair of this story.
One sentence - "she’d throw back that crown of streaming blonde whorls and from deep in her throat would come a laugh betraying the tears clawing their way now does the comparison spring to mind between her mouth and an ashtray" - sounds rather strange. I'm thinking you might have accidentally merged two separate sentences into one.
Other than that, great job! I'm going to look out for this story.
Brilliant writing. I love your style. Your vocabulary is great and aptly used, and the first-person narrative you use is perfect for the emotional flair of this story.
One sentence - "she’d throw back that crown of streaming blonde whorls and from deep in her throat would come a laugh betraying the tears clawing their way now does the comparison spring to mind between her mouth and an ashtray" - sounds rather strange. I'm thinking you might have accidentally merged two separate sentences into one.
Other than that, great job! I'm going to look out for this story.
10/31/2008 c3 
16Long Island Iced Tea
I'm confused about one thing... in the first sentence you write
When I first saw her, My Natalia was the type of girl who would wear daisies in her hair, without a smile on her face
and then
When I first saw her, Katalyn was the type of girl who would wear daisies in her hair, without a smile on her face.
Is her name Katalyn or Natalia? Or does he just sometimes call her Natalia as a petname?
When Katalyn had a destination in mind, a journey would inevitably take place despite anyone else’s objections.
I like how you describe her. YOU make the characters come vividly alive to me, like real people. Katalyn strikes me as the vivacious, good looking, popular type of girl, an athlete, confident, never anybody's fool or minion... you either love her or you hate her.
I never had time to clean it up.
I don't know why but I just love that you added that.
How could I not be, when she never let me forget it for a waking moment?
Guess that confirms my belief in her. Jockish. Though I guess, I act this way around twelve-year-old brats too. I mean, they're BRATS. Not enough reason to be mean to them, but when they're in front of you, it seems like it. XD Not making much sense am I?
But even the rays of her imperfection shone blindingly seraphic, especially to the jaded eyes of the young man I was growing to become.
She bewitched him, hook, line and sinker. Did he do anything to her? Kill her, I mean? Very interesting, where this is leading up to me. It's not the traditional type of story I'm used to reading... it has far more depth.
woman possessed by spirits,
Can be interpreted in so many ways... are you going to introduce a tinge of supernatural?
Because as with the morning and the night, my face is the face of two thousand other men, left to ruminate on the soggy leftovers of what remains when all hope has fled.
This struck me, hard. You conveyed exactly what you wanted to - which I can't say because you described it so perfectly.
Every now and then this reminder slips by and slides, singing with the storm usually accompanying it outside.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! XD When your exams end, mine begin... oh scary! Hope they've been going well for you!
16Long Island Iced TeaI'm confused about one thing... in the first sentence you write
When I first saw her, My Natalia was the type of girl who would wear daisies in her hair, without a smile on her face
and then
When I first saw her, Katalyn was the type of girl who would wear daisies in her hair, without a smile on her face.
Is her name Katalyn or Natalia? Or does he just sometimes call her Natalia as a petname?
When Katalyn had a destination in mind, a journey would inevitably take place despite anyone else’s objections.
I like how you describe her. YOU make the characters come vividly alive to me, like real people. Katalyn strikes me as the vivacious, good looking, popular type of girl, an athlete, confident, never anybody's fool or minion... you either love her or you hate her.
I never had time to clean it up.
I don't know why but I just love that you added that.
How could I not be, when she never let me forget it for a waking moment?
Guess that confirms my belief in her. Jockish. Though I guess, I act this way around twelve-year-old brats too. I mean, they're BRATS. Not enough reason to be mean to them, but when they're in front of you, it seems like it. XD Not making much sense am I?
But even the rays of her imperfection shone blindingly seraphic, especially to the jaded eyes of the young man I was growing to become.
She bewitched him, hook, line and sinker. Did he do anything to her? Kill her, I mean? Very interesting, where this is leading up to me. It's not the traditional type of story I'm used to reading... it has far more depth.
woman possessed by spirits,
Can be interpreted in so many ways... are you going to introduce a tinge of supernatural?
Because as with the morning and the night, my face is the face of two thousand other men, left to ruminate on the soggy leftovers of what remains when all hope has fled.
This struck me, hard. You conveyed exactly what you wanted to - which I can't say because you described it so perfectly.
Every now and then this reminder slips by and slides, singing with the storm usually accompanying it outside.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! XD When your exams end, mine begin... oh scary! Hope they've been going well for you!
10/27/2008 c2 raineyday
Wow, my curiosity is definitely piqued!
The voice you've crafted for Evan (it is Evan, correct?) is wonderful; it's unstable but very realistic. He really commands that the reader listen when he speaks. Very well done!
I adore this sentence: "I’d watch the ink swirl in one last dance of protest, or surrender (it seemed different every time) before being sucked into the drain, and I would ponder with sincerity what could have been." Very smooth, professional writing, but that's present throughout, as well.
One little nitpicky thing: "This was the only particular time that by “restoration” a lump found its way into my throat(,) and I registered the world bereft of some small pleasure."
There should be a comma there. ^_^ But other than that, brilliant work!
Wow, my curiosity is definitely piqued!
The voice you've crafted for Evan (it is Evan, correct?) is wonderful; it's unstable but very realistic. He really commands that the reader listen when he speaks. Very well done!
I adore this sentence: "I’d watch the ink swirl in one last dance of protest, or surrender (it seemed different every time) before being sucked into the drain, and I would ponder with sincerity what could have been." Very smooth, professional writing, but that's present throughout, as well.
One little nitpicky thing: "This was the only particular time that by “restoration” a lump found its way into my throat(,) and I registered the world bereft of some small pleasure."
There should be a comma there. ^_^ But other than that, brilliant work!
10/24/2008 c1 raineyday
This is fascinating and touch confusing at the same time, which I love. There are just these vague slivers of the situation presented to the reader in this first part, but it's incredibly well done and definitely keeps the reader's attention. Very good job!
Also: "Evan was a good boy.
Evan was a manipulative wretch.
Mister Brown was a poor Mathematics student.
Brown, highly gifted. Such a waste…
Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots.
Our son Evan was… disappointing? Surprising?
Evan was debauched."
This whole section is very effective, especially this early in the story. It really throws open a thousand possible doors concerning Evan's character. Awesome. And I love "Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots." It's funny and somehow very creepy at the same time.
Overall, I'm definitely interested in reading more. You've got a very strong, intriguing beginning here!
This is fascinating and touch confusing at the same time, which I love. There are just these vague slivers of the situation presented to the reader in this first part, but it's incredibly well done and definitely keeps the reader's attention. Very good job!
Also: "Evan was a good boy.
Evan was a manipulative wretch.
Mister Brown was a poor Mathematics student.
Brown, highly gifted. Such a waste…
Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots.
Our son Evan was… disappointing? Surprising?
Evan was debauched."
This whole section is very effective, especially this early in the story. It really throws open a thousand possible doors concerning Evan's character. Awesome. And I love "Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots." It's funny and somehow very creepy at the same time.
Overall, I'm definitely interested in reading more. You've got a very strong, intriguing beginning here!
10/23/2008 c2 8Written
gorgeous work! loved the idea of tabula rasa drawn throughout the story; there's a symbolic nature to this piece. the cleaning obsession seems to be his coping method after something happened to his brother? that was the impression I got, by the end of the piece. I like that you don't tell us everything in a straightforward manner, because it leaves us wanting to read the next chapter (which sadly isn't up yet!).
I think that he killed katalyn. just my idea.
very good piece! it has a definite 'mood' to it. hope you continue.
8Writtengorgeous work! loved the idea of tabula rasa drawn throughout the story; there's a symbolic nature to this piece. the cleaning obsession seems to be his coping method after something happened to his brother? that was the impression I got, by the end of the piece. I like that you don't tell us everything in a straightforward manner, because it leaves us wanting to read the next chapter (which sadly isn't up yet!).
I think that he killed katalyn. just my idea.
very good piece! it has a definite 'mood' to it. hope you continue.
10/23/2008 c1 Written
hey! I like that the title ties in sort of with the story, because its wordplayish. interesting beginning! the part about refusing to eat salted carrots was my favorite, because it says a lot about the character without overdoing it... subtle.
If I were you, I would have left it without the end paragraph, since i think that section (5th para) does well in saying all that really needs to be said. just my opinion.
hey! I like that the title ties in sort of with the story, because its wordplayish. interesting beginning! the part about refusing to eat salted carrots was my favorite, because it says a lot about the character without overdoing it... subtle.
If I were you, I would have left it without the end paragraph, since i think that section (5th para) does well in saying all that really needs to be said. just my opinion.
10/19/2008 c2 16Long Island Iced Tea
Simply, I relished the idea that no matter how sullied I could return any object to its previous glory with sheer effort.
That's... interesting. To be honest, Evan is very, very intriguing. You've detailed his personality so minutely, it's almost like I can imagine a guy like him. Obsessively clean. That polite, slightly aloof boy nobody knows what he's thinking about in class. Slightly close-mouthed. A nice sort of smile. Yeah, see what you've done to me? You are an awesome writer, don't put yourself down!
How crushing to reminisce and realize that even the imagination of the child had met its frontier, its roots firmly pushed down beneath the soil of the crushing certainties that mold the world.
You really have a lovely way of putting things. Yes, I can just imagine little Evan dimly realizing that nothing he'd ever be able to draw would be equal to the best of anything anyone before him had created.
I’d watch the ink swirl in one last dance of protest
I love watching it go down the drain too, strangely enough. Thinking, well that's done, and just finishing cleaning the brushes. Though I hate cleaning anything else.
People can be so frustratingly ignorant when they choose to be.
True, true. Sometimes they ascribe such different motives!
Those instances in time where everything has netted together to connect my personal jigsaw puzzle have been few and far between.
Same here. I really like Evan, even though I know that he's done something. Did he kill Katalyn? You have a very interesting character on your hands, you know! You've got to continue his story, there seems to be more than meets the eye to it.
but what most people don’t seem to realize is that there isn’t usually a single time that one can pinpoint as their defining moment.
That is so true, it's scary. This line has stood out the most from your story for me. It just... struck me, somehow. Don't you get the feeling sometimes when you read something that strikes you so forcefully that you almost reel back? Happened to me when I read this.
So, aren't you going to continue? After your exams are over, I mean. You have to!
16Long Island Iced TeaSimply, I relished the idea that no matter how sullied I could return any object to its previous glory with sheer effort.
That's... interesting. To be honest, Evan is very, very intriguing. You've detailed his personality so minutely, it's almost like I can imagine a guy like him. Obsessively clean. That polite, slightly aloof boy nobody knows what he's thinking about in class. Slightly close-mouthed. A nice sort of smile. Yeah, see what you've done to me? You are an awesome writer, don't put yourself down!
How crushing to reminisce and realize that even the imagination of the child had met its frontier, its roots firmly pushed down beneath the soil of the crushing certainties that mold the world.
You really have a lovely way of putting things. Yes, I can just imagine little Evan dimly realizing that nothing he'd ever be able to draw would be equal to the best of anything anyone before him had created.
I’d watch the ink swirl in one last dance of protest
I love watching it go down the drain too, strangely enough. Thinking, well that's done, and just finishing cleaning the brushes. Though I hate cleaning anything else.
People can be so frustratingly ignorant when they choose to be.
True, true. Sometimes they ascribe such different motives!
Those instances in time where everything has netted together to connect my personal jigsaw puzzle have been few and far between.
Same here. I really like Evan, even though I know that he's done something. Did he kill Katalyn? You have a very interesting character on your hands, you know! You've got to continue his story, there seems to be more than meets the eye to it.
but what most people don’t seem to realize is that there isn’t usually a single time that one can pinpoint as their defining moment.
That is so true, it's scary. This line has stood out the most from your story for me. It just... struck me, somehow. Don't you get the feeling sometimes when you read something that strikes you so forcefully that you almost reel back? Happened to me when I read this.
So, aren't you going to continue? After your exams are over, I mean. You have to!
9/23/2008 c1 1Miki DeMillion
Hm... interesting piece of writing. I like it, or the idea of it. I think you could tighten it more. Such as in the last sections:-
(Your words tightened)
There’s nothing simple about now. There are few, if any, certainties in life. Bank on what should have been and it’ll catch up with you. Now that's a certainty.
Evan Brown is many things to many different people.
"Evan was a good boy."
"Evan is a manipulative wretch."
"Mister Brown was a poor Mathematics student."
"Brown, highly gifted. Such a waste…"
"Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots."
"Our son Evan is… disappointing.
… surprised?"
"Evan is debauched."
I’m not a saint, but is what I’ve done so bad? It's the result of strong conviction, or, simply necessary. Isn’t that all anyone can hope for?
-
Do you see what I mean? You can say it just as effectively without the extra words. What's important is to keep the meaning behind the words.
I enjoyed this. Keep writing. I'll watch for more of your work.
1Miki DeMillionHm... interesting piece of writing. I like it, or the idea of it. I think you could tighten it more. Such as in the last sections:-
(Your words tightened)
There’s nothing simple about now. There are few, if any, certainties in life. Bank on what should have been and it’ll catch up with you. Now that's a certainty.
Evan Brown is many things to many different people.
"Evan was a good boy."
"Evan is a manipulative wretch."
"Mister Brown was a poor Mathematics student."
"Brown, highly gifted. Such a waste…"
"Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots."
"Our son Evan is… disappointing.
… surprised?"
"Evan is debauched."
I’m not a saint, but is what I’ve done so bad? It's the result of strong conviction, or, simply necessary. Isn’t that all anyone can hope for?
-
Do you see what I mean? You can say it just as effectively without the extra words. What's important is to keep the meaning behind the words.
I enjoyed this. Keep writing. I'll watch for more of your work.
9/23/2008 c1 16Long Island Iced Tea
Confusing but in a way I rather liked it. Never read anything like this though - but I've sort of seen the 'movie-equivalent' if you get my meaning... like where in movies they have the scene switching through lots of people who talk about someone and their voices get really loud and the lighting flickers from yellowish to bluish... lol, rambling!
Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots.
Uh... who eats salted carrots? Not even me, and I have a lot of weird vegetable choices. Btw, is Evan a bit of a psychopath? He sounds like he's done something rather psychopathish and now he's coping with the consequences and yada yada... something on the level of murder. What did you have in mind when you wrote it?
16Long Island Iced TeaConfusing but in a way I rather liked it. Never read anything like this though - but I've sort of seen the 'movie-equivalent' if you get my meaning... like where in movies they have the scene switching through lots of people who talk about someone and their voices get really loud and the lighting flickers from yellowish to bluish... lol, rambling!
Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots.
Uh... who eats salted carrots? Not even me, and I have a lot of weird vegetable choices. Btw, is Evan a bit of a psychopath? He sounds like he's done something rather psychopathish and now he's coping with the consequences and yada yada... something on the level of murder. What did you have in mind when you wrote it?
9/20/2008 c1 10like butterflies
Are you going to continue this story?
I like your writing, it's funny. The lines about "Mister Brown was a poor Mathematics student" and "Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots" made me chuckle.
I would check up on editing, though. There are some bits where you miss words or the writing doesn't make sense.
I hope you continue this!
10like butterfliesAre you going to continue this story?
I like your writing, it's funny. The lines about "Mister Brown was a poor Mathematics student" and "Patient 2282 refuses to eat salted carrots" made me chuckle.
I would check up on editing, though. There are some bits where you miss words or the writing doesn't make sense.
I hope you continue this!