for Catch of the day3/19/2013 c1 
20Claire LeBoeuf
Hello, Claire here. I caught eye of your summary and thought I'd drop a note.
Before I actually start talking about the chapter, I have a bit of a bone to pick with you:
Please refrain from the obnoxious advertisement that you've added to all of your posted work. This is not the place for that. I'm aware that getting published is a huge accomplishment, but it doesn't make the story any better (or worse) and holds no relevance.
Now, just a few things I noticed. (Note: I didn't read past chapter 1, because my attention span is not nearly that long)
-A lot of the sentences towards the beginning half of the chapter are very awkwardly phrased.
Ex: "They all looked much bigger than I'd pictured. And they were all jam-packed with big net things, and workers, and a bunch of other crap I didn't recognize. It was giving me a sinking feeling... "
First of all, you cannot start a sentence with a FANBOY, for and nor but or yet so, which you do quite frequently. Secondly, the phrasing of the sentence itself just doesn't read well. This happens a lot, really badly, during the beginning. I can't point out exactly what it is, but the phrasing is just garbled.
How old is the main character supposed to be? I'm sure this has been pointed out before, but if she's a minor, what she did is really, really illegal. If he doesn't send her right back home he could get charged with kidnapping. This is wildly unrealistic, and unless some mystical explanation arises in the next chapter that I didn't bother to read, an automatic 'fail' in writing.
The whole idea, so far, is stale. The writing is bland, the characters are bland, and the story is bland, but it is very, very publishable for a certain 12-13 year old girl audience, despite this. You seen to have found your niche.
All in all, not good, not the most terrible thing I've ever read, and for the record, stop gloating about being published; Stephenie Meyer is published too and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you that she published five books not worth kindling.
Have a good one.
-Claire
20Claire LeBoeufHello, Claire here. I caught eye of your summary and thought I'd drop a note.
Before I actually start talking about the chapter, I have a bit of a bone to pick with you:
Please refrain from the obnoxious advertisement that you've added to all of your posted work. This is not the place for that. I'm aware that getting published is a huge accomplishment, but it doesn't make the story any better (or worse) and holds no relevance.
Now, just a few things I noticed. (Note: I didn't read past chapter 1, because my attention span is not nearly that long)
-A lot of the sentences towards the beginning half of the chapter are very awkwardly phrased.
Ex: "They all looked much bigger than I'd pictured. And they were all jam-packed with big net things, and workers, and a bunch of other crap I didn't recognize. It was giving me a sinking feeling... "
First of all, you cannot start a sentence with a FANBOY, for and nor but or yet so, which you do quite frequently. Secondly, the phrasing of the sentence itself just doesn't read well. This happens a lot, really badly, during the beginning. I can't point out exactly what it is, but the phrasing is just garbled.
How old is the main character supposed to be? I'm sure this has been pointed out before, but if she's a minor, what she did is really, really illegal. If he doesn't send her right back home he could get charged with kidnapping. This is wildly unrealistic, and unless some mystical explanation arises in the next chapter that I didn't bother to read, an automatic 'fail' in writing.
The whole idea, so far, is stale. The writing is bland, the characters are bland, and the story is bland, but it is very, very publishable for a certain 12-13 year old girl audience, despite this. You seen to have found your niche.
All in all, not good, not the most terrible thing I've ever read, and for the record, stop gloating about being published; Stephenie Meyer is published too and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to tell you that she published five books not worth kindling.
Have a good one.
-Claire
2/3/2013 c1 Guest
I know your are probably really proud of your achievement of publishing, but it is really annoying to read it a SUMMARY. This is a place for posting stories, not gloating or advertisements.
I know your are probably really proud of your achievement of publishing, but it is really annoying to read it a SUMMARY. This is a place for posting stories, not gloating or advertisements.
10/3/2012 c1 Diane
Honestly, when I started reading the summary I thought, who cares who u are. Just because you may be published doesn't mean your story is going to be above everyone else. So why bother with fitting on all your story summaries. Why not just trust people will read it without knowing its professional.
Honestly, when I started reading the summary I thought, who cares who u are. Just because you may be published doesn't mean your story is going to be above everyone else. So why bother with fitting on all your story summaries. Why not just trust people will read it without knowing its professional.
8/17/2012 c15 AnonymousReads
It was a really good story but i think that you should add an epilogue that is what most of your stories are missing. I like cole though he seems kind of cool and so is christa i think the plot was different in a good way. Great story. :)
It was a really good story but i think that you should add an epilogue that is what most of your stories are missing. I like cole though he seems kind of cool and so is christa i think the plot was different in a good way. Great story. :)
3/1/2012 c15 HeatherMay22
I realize you wrote this a while back but I actually really like it. I have a few of your books on my shelve (Ripple being my personal favorite) and I honestly really like this. I think because it's different it's not a story or rather setting that someone has tried to work with before so it stands out to me. I found myself reading it for a second time when I decided to review...
I realize you wrote this a while back but I actually really like it. I have a few of your books on my shelve (Ripple being my personal favorite) and I honestly really like this. I think because it's different it's not a story or rather setting that someone has tried to work with before so it stands out to me. I found myself reading it for a second time when I decided to review...
3/1/2012 c15 HeatherMay22
I realize you wrote this a while back but I actually really like it. I have a few of your books on my shelve (Ripple being my personal favorite) and I honestly really like this. I think because it's different it's not a story or rather setting that someone has tried to work with before so it stands out to me. I found myself reading it for a second time when I decided to review...
I realize you wrote this a while back but I actually really like it. I have a few of your books on my shelve (Ripple being my personal favorite) and I honestly really like this. I think because it's different it's not a story or rather setting that someone has tried to work with before so it stands out to me. I found myself reading it for a second time when I decided to review...
9/3/2010 c14 Stephani
I really enjoyed reading that : )
I really enjoyed reading that : )
6/2/2010 c1 potogold
Its funny, but when I was about 16, I took my dad and a friend of his out on a deep sea fishing trip, an all day type of thing. I get HORRIBLY sea sick, but I'd popped enough dramamine that even the deck felt like it was floating.
I remember sitting on the top deck, with my sunglasses on, soaking up the rays and watching this hottie deckhand work the customers. He was delicious. And when I went home that night, I wrote out this whole story about how he'd thought I was cute too, and we went out. It was corny and sugar sweet and probably one of my favorite pieces.
Reading this story reminded me of that, and it felt like a more grown up, definitely better written, snippet of what I'd had running thru my head at the time. I loved it! I hope you entertain writing a sequel some day about her coming back and seeing him again. I'd so read that 8D
Its funny, but when I was about 16, I took my dad and a friend of his out on a deep sea fishing trip, an all day type of thing. I get HORRIBLY sea sick, but I'd popped enough dramamine that even the deck felt like it was floating.
I remember sitting on the top deck, with my sunglasses on, soaking up the rays and watching this hottie deckhand work the customers. He was delicious. And when I went home that night, I wrote out this whole story about how he'd thought I was cute too, and we went out. It was corny and sugar sweet and probably one of my favorite pieces.
Reading this story reminded me of that, and it felt like a more grown up, definitely better written, snippet of what I'd had running thru my head at the time. I loved it! I hope you entertain writing a sequel some day about her coming back and seeing him again. I'd so read that 8D
1/28/2010 c14 mrs. bombastic
aw it was cute and ,made me laugh, and your prada & prejudice i bought it from borders i really liked it!
aw it was cute and ,made me laugh, and your prada & prejudice i bought it from borders i really liked it!
1/23/2010 c14 3Chocolate is Yummy
Heartwarming story. ;) It's more focused on family than on lovers this time, but still, not bad.
3Chocolate is YummyHeartwarming story. ;) It's more focused on family than on lovers this time, but still, not bad.
1/16/2010 c2 Uncle Rupert
the girls got a credit card and a hot chauffer, what more could she possible ask for?
the girls got a credit card and a hot chauffer, what more could she possible ask for?
1/16/2010 c1 Uncle Rupert
i like the start of this story. nice chapter. i believe i must say congrad's on the book deal. i hope you are very proud of yourself :) you efforts give hope to the rest of us dreamers on here.
i like the start of this story. nice chapter. i believe i must say congrad's on the book deal. i hope you are very proud of yourself :) you efforts give hope to the rest of us dreamers on here.