for Real Monsters6/1/2009 c4 
21Nina Kindred
Nikolai should tell his story. I just finally got to read it, and it's over? That's wrong. Keep writing.
21Nina KindredNikolai should tell his story. I just finally got to read it, and it's over? That's wrong. Keep writing.
1/25/2009 c1 Chancee
You prove in this first chapter why you are well known in the roadhouse. Your descriptions are very well done. The anti-hero seems to really work and I like the standoffish feel he still had for the boy.
Nicolai seems to be a vampire with some sort of 'feelings', not sure if that is what I want to say, but he is not just killing to be killing. At least not yet.
I am eager to see what happens next. No mistakes that I can think of that jumped out at me, but the story peaks my interest.
I hope Franklin understands what the strangers going to do, if not he's in for a rude awakening, of his folks rather.
Momoqui - out!
Pay it forward the Roadhouse~
(well when you come back from your break =0)
You prove in this first chapter why you are well known in the roadhouse. Your descriptions are very well done. The anti-hero seems to really work and I like the standoffish feel he still had for the boy.
Nicolai seems to be a vampire with some sort of 'feelings', not sure if that is what I want to say, but he is not just killing to be killing. At least not yet.
I am eager to see what happens next. No mistakes that I can think of that jumped out at me, but the story peaks my interest.
I hope Franklin understands what the strangers going to do, if not he's in for a rude awakening, of his folks rather.
Momoqui - out!
Pay it forward the Roadhouse~
(well when you come back from your break =0)
1/19/2009 c4 1Spidey3000
Ok, I've learned something important form this story: Nikolai=someone I don't want to piss off. I can't wait to see how this story ends, update soon!
1Spidey3000Ok, I've learned something important form this story: Nikolai=someone I don't want to piss off. I can't wait to see how this story ends, update soon!
11/28/2008 c1 2Selarose
Poor Franklin and, I suspect, poor Franklin's dad, though not really. This Nikolai (sp) character is certainly not an Edward! XD He doesn't *seem* like one of those kill all vampires who drains the blood of everyone he meets after messing with them, either-he seems to be about to defend Franklin. But I suppose that could all change later, and he kills the kid (or turns him into a vampire) in the end. O.o
Was that Franklin's football team that lost or the dad's? It's kind of ambiguous.
"Ice like" should probably be 'ice-like.'
Most periods in the dialogue should be commas.
Anyway, this is a good start, already leaves one in suspense and sympathetic toward Franklin.
2SelarosePoor Franklin and, I suspect, poor Franklin's dad, though not really. This Nikolai (sp) character is certainly not an Edward! XD He doesn't *seem* like one of those kill all vampires who drains the blood of everyone he meets after messing with them, either-he seems to be about to defend Franklin. But I suppose that could all change later, and he kills the kid (or turns him into a vampire) in the end. O.o
Was that Franklin's football team that lost or the dad's? It's kind of ambiguous.
"Ice like" should probably be 'ice-like.'
Most periods in the dialogue should be commas.
Anyway, this is a good start, already leaves one in suspense and sympathetic toward Franklin.
10/9/2008 c1 169MallowsWins
I’m glad there is one vampire story on this site that isn’t about hormonal teenagers of androgynous whingers. The pairing of an innocent child and a monster protector is far more interesting, in my opinion. I like the mood of this, Nickolai seems like an interesting character already. You get the impression he isn’t diabolical, but he clearly isn’t walking around in a white hat saving kittens from high tree branches. I think it’s the unpredictability of the character that makes him so interesting. Franklin was a great choice, too. Children are usually portrayed as innocent, but the fact that he was also abused adds something sinister to the story as well as making the boy a far more tragic figure.
I’m impressed by this first chapter, and by your writing. I hope you keep it up.
Peace, Daze
169MallowsWinsI’m glad there is one vampire story on this site that isn’t about hormonal teenagers of androgynous whingers. The pairing of an innocent child and a monster protector is far more interesting, in my opinion. I like the mood of this, Nickolai seems like an interesting character already. You get the impression he isn’t diabolical, but he clearly isn’t walking around in a white hat saving kittens from high tree branches. I think it’s the unpredictability of the character that makes him so interesting. Franklin was a great choice, too. Children are usually portrayed as innocent, but the fact that he was also abused adds something sinister to the story as well as making the boy a far more tragic figure.
I’m impressed by this first chapter, and by your writing. I hope you keep it up.
Peace, Daze
10/8/2008 c4 5Icy Vampire Chick
Wow. That's a nice, unexpected twist. I loved the way things played out - there was emotion in every line. Dramatic, mysterious and dark. I really loved every bit of it. The pacing was quite good too - not too fast or too slow, but a nice flow that allowed readers begging for more.
Good job !
~Jo
5Icy Vampire ChickWow. That's a nice, unexpected twist. I loved the way things played out - there was emotion in every line. Dramatic, mysterious and dark. I really loved every bit of it. The pacing was quite good too - not too fast or too slow, but a nice flow that allowed readers begging for more.
Good job !
~Jo
10/8/2008 c2 1No Longer An Account
Man, Nickolai is a real jerk, isn't he?
Moral ambiguity. Few things can make a better story than moral ambiguity. You want to root for Nickolai, but should you?
Heh. Humane vampire. Now that's an oxymoron.
Just one thing: Bemused isn't synonymous with amused. It means "confused or dumbfounded". Common mistake.
1No Longer An AccountMan, Nickolai is a real jerk, isn't he?
Moral ambiguity. Few things can make a better story than moral ambiguity. You want to root for Nickolai, but should you?
Heh. Humane vampire. Now that's an oxymoron.
Just one thing: Bemused isn't synonymous with amused. It means "confused or dumbfounded". Common mistake.
10/8/2008 c4 FuckMeAlice
Screw any idea of a humanitarian Nickolai This guy is way better than anything with a soul and/or tortured past. Viva la revolucion!
I like his ethics. Or whatever could be called his ethics. Very correct, and do I sense a bit of chivalry in respects to Shelly? Or is it just the aftershocks of Interview With A Vampire?
No spelling errors or grammatical errors as far as I could see.
I think I might be addicted to Nickolai. I don't know what it is about your characters, but they're always very awesome.
-Stardust.
Screw any idea of a humanitarian Nickolai This guy is way better than anything with a soul and/or tortured past. Viva la revolucion!
I like his ethics. Or whatever could be called his ethics. Very correct, and do I sense a bit of chivalry in respects to Shelly? Or is it just the aftershocks of Interview With A Vampire?
No spelling errors or grammatical errors as far as I could see.
I think I might be addicted to Nickolai. I don't know what it is about your characters, but they're always very awesome.
-Stardust.
10/8/2008 c4 10Caecilia
[it couldn’t be said he wasn’t a man of his word] I think this could be shortened to 'that he was a man of this world'. You already pointed out that it couldn't be said. Also, 'his' needs to be 'this', unless you meant for it to be 'his'.
[the sounds of bones popping sounding very prominent.] the 'sounding' bothers me. I think it's having 'sound' in the same sentence twice. Maybe change it to 'becoming' or something along those lines?
[and then all hell broke loose] think it would sound better without the 'then' in there.
[only Nickolai’s grasp holding the man’s body ] 'his body' would go better, since you already said Nickolai was holding up Luke's body.
[breaking down rapidly and deteriorating] Aren't those a lot alike?
[I knew something interesting would happen, you know, but that? That was just cool.”] Ha. Why would anyone ever want a humane Nickolai? This guy is hilarious!
[The creature like hand ] Bit confused by that...
Bwa ha ha ha ha. I love the ending. [“Are you serious, Frankie? You’re just now realizing I’m a vampire?” he inquired. “What the hell did you think I was?”] Ha. Freaking Hilarious.
Great new chapter Zerom. Really. Just keep writing. I really love Nickolai. Cracks me up. Keep on writing more. You have great stuff here.
~Cae
10Caecilia[it couldn’t be said he wasn’t a man of his word] I think this could be shortened to 'that he was a man of this world'. You already pointed out that it couldn't be said. Also, 'his' needs to be 'this', unless you meant for it to be 'his'.
[the sounds of bones popping sounding very prominent.] the 'sounding' bothers me. I think it's having 'sound' in the same sentence twice. Maybe change it to 'becoming' or something along those lines?
[and then all hell broke loose] think it would sound better without the 'then' in there.
[only Nickolai’s grasp holding the man’s body ] 'his body' would go better, since you already said Nickolai was holding up Luke's body.
[breaking down rapidly and deteriorating] Aren't those a lot alike?
[I knew something interesting would happen, you know, but that? That was just cool.”] Ha. Why would anyone ever want a humane Nickolai? This guy is hilarious!
[The creature like hand ] Bit confused by that...
Bwa ha ha ha ha. I love the ending. [“Are you serious, Frankie? You’re just now realizing I’m a vampire?” he inquired. “What the hell did you think I was?”] Ha. Freaking Hilarious.
Great new chapter Zerom. Really. Just keep writing. I really love Nickolai. Cracks me up. Keep on writing more. You have great stuff here.
~Cae
10/4/2008 c3 16dreamer999
It isn't the story that you have planned? But it's so awesome.
I'm reading and reviewing this not because I was told to but because I wanna.
It is just so awesome and the fight scenes are very well narrated.
I just can't wait for the next chapter.
16dreamer999It isn't the story that you have planned? But it's so awesome.
I'm reading and reviewing this not because I was told to but because I wanna.
It is just so awesome and the fight scenes are very well narrated.
I just can't wait for the next chapter.
10/3/2008 c3 5Icy Vampire Chick
Wow. It's official. This is easily the best supernatural ficlet here. I just loved every bit of it - your characters are full of depth and greatly shaped and your suspense is a real stomach-knotter. Excellent thrill ride !
~Jo
5Icy Vampire ChickWow. It's official. This is easily the best supernatural ficlet here. I just loved every bit of it - your characters are full of depth and greatly shaped and your suspense is a real stomach-knotter. Excellent thrill ride !
~Jo
10/3/2008 c3 Daggerstone
When he was alive, your main character must've been one short-tempered son of a... ahem. Yeah. That was cute.
Too ill to help with the technicalities - even if you dropped a letter or two, I'm bound not to notice.
Vivid, as always. Nice Hollywood-style magic on the street (you even came up with a soundtrack, but I'd be careful borrowing non-public domain lyrics if I were you). Last scene is a riot, though I truly hate the screaming girl cliche.
And Nickolai? That was just GROSS. Spare a thought for the cleaning lady, will ya? lol
When he was alive, your main character must've been one short-tempered son of a... ahem. Yeah. That was cute.
Too ill to help with the technicalities - even if you dropped a letter or two, I'm bound not to notice.
Vivid, as always. Nice Hollywood-style magic on the street (you even came up with a soundtrack, but I'd be careful borrowing non-public domain lyrics if I were you). Last scene is a riot, though I truly hate the screaming girl cliche.
And Nickolai? That was just GROSS. Spare a thought for the cleaning lady, will ya? lol
10/2/2008 c1 1No Longer An Account
Like most of your stuff that I've read, I don't hesitate to call this awesome. A very enjoyable read, and a very well done vampire.
If it has a mind of its own, I say let it go where it wants to.
1No Longer An AccountLike most of your stuff that I've read, I don't hesitate to call this awesome. A very enjoyable read, and a very well done vampire.
If it has a mind of its own, I say let it go where it wants to.
10/2/2008 c2 16dreamer999
Well, the other consolation review didn't meet the requirements so I'm doing it again and by order of the requirements for no reason hehehe.
Well first, the summar. It is good but not...very catchy with the title but it does make you wonder a bit...I guess...
The beginning, it's just not as interesting as how it gets deeper but it's good. I like the way it slowly becomes more and more interesting. That's why I chose reading this over doing my homework...hehehe, it's worth getting chewed off by tomorrow...
The plot seems like one of those fairy tales but then it's about a dad that drinks and is so paranoid. It is sorta crazy but I tend to like plot about...well sorta adultish like a abusive man, alcoholic , and stuff...
I really like the settings, I could even imagine it as if I was watching a movie, very descriptive but not as descriptive as to get me "Oh god, can we move on already?", the settings are the best.
As for the characters, I like the monster with the dad the best, with frankie jr. he is a bit...too nice, well for me but it ain't bad. I like how he tortures frank sr. that is the best thing about the monster nikolai...i guess that's how it's spelled...
The style is great, it's a...um...pretty much classic one, I often see this kind of style on FP but I never get tired of it. Like if it's possible anyway.
The moral isn't for kids but it's what people like, bad guys and good guys and absolutely...not a good moral because of...well I can't explain this one but there's no like good moral unlike some movies or shows but I never pay much attention to this anyway.
And to wrap this up, everything's good, you have no flaw. You are a great writer, good descriptions, and the characters are not fantasy-ish...only the fictional dude nikolai of course.
It is a very great work and you don't have to even try to improve.
~Well, see ya.
16dreamer999Well, the other consolation review didn't meet the requirements so I'm doing it again and by order of the requirements for no reason hehehe.
Well first, the summar. It is good but not...very catchy with the title but it does make you wonder a bit...I guess...
The beginning, it's just not as interesting as how it gets deeper but it's good. I like the way it slowly becomes more and more interesting. That's why I chose reading this over doing my homework...hehehe, it's worth getting chewed off by tomorrow...
The plot seems like one of those fairy tales but then it's about a dad that drinks and is so paranoid. It is sorta crazy but I tend to like plot about...well sorta adultish like a abusive man, alcoholic , and stuff...
I really like the settings, I could even imagine it as if I was watching a movie, very descriptive but not as descriptive as to get me "Oh god, can we move on already?", the settings are the best.
As for the characters, I like the monster with the dad the best, with frankie jr. he is a bit...too nice, well for me but it ain't bad. I like how he tortures frank sr. that is the best thing about the monster nikolai...i guess that's how it's spelled...
The style is great, it's a...um...pretty much classic one, I often see this kind of style on FP but I never get tired of it. Like if it's possible anyway.
The moral isn't for kids but it's what people like, bad guys and good guys and absolutely...not a good moral because of...well I can't explain this one but there's no like good moral unlike some movies or shows but I never pay much attention to this anyway.
And to wrap this up, everything's good, you have no flaw. You are a great writer, good descriptions, and the characters are not fantasy-ish...only the fictional dude nikolai of course.
It is a very great work and you don't have to even try to improve.
~Well, see ya.
10/2/2008 c3 FuckMeAlice
Okay, I've read this 'one-shot' about fifty times now (modest estimate) and I've finally concluded this- Nickolai is to good a character to try and keep down. He's way too much fun. I love the idea of a vampire who sings Metallica as he stalks his prey. -nods-
I also love his attitude at the end of the chapter. He's almost hassled. Very interesting to think of a vampire on a tight schedule.
You seem to have some random computer talk in the middle of the chapter, just between Frank's truck getting flipped over and him getting out of the truck. Might want to fix that.
Okay, I've read this 'one-shot' about fifty times now (modest estimate) and I've finally concluded this- Nickolai is to good a character to try and keep down. He's way too much fun. I love the idea of a vampire who sings Metallica as he stalks his prey. -nods-
I also love his attitude at the end of the chapter. He's almost hassled. Very interesting to think of a vampire on a tight schedule.
You seem to have some random computer talk in the middle of the chapter, just between Frank's truck getting flipped over and him getting out of the truck. Might want to fix that.