for Yellow Roses6/26/2020 c1 Lyra
On gosh. I'm crying. This is so beautiful. I don't even know what to say. It's so...perfect. I love how you're able to capture so many thoughts and emotions with so few words. I could not only see everything happening, I could FEEL it. You able to convey so much through your exquisite writing. You transport your readers to another world, another person. This has touched me so deeply, and I know this will not be my last time crying over it. I was actually struggling to read through the film of film tears in my eyes. This deserves so many more reviews than it has gotten. As much as I love reading fluffy, meaningless stories, I also like ones that demonstrate that life is not always a walk in the park. It's why I love John Green's writing so much. It's deep and meaningful and sad and beautiful all at the same time. You have crafted meaningless letters into something wonderful with only your mind. Thank you for sharing this with us. Oh gosh, I'm a complete mess. I can't really form coherent thoughts right now. Please excuse me while I try to clean up the tear-stained mess that is my face.
~Lyra (Not my actual name. But I love astronomy and I'm not super creative, sooo...yeah.)
And by the way, I read this as slash. I couldn't tell you why. I just get the feeling.
On gosh. I'm crying. This is so beautiful. I don't even know what to say. It's so...perfect. I love how you're able to capture so many thoughts and emotions with so few words. I could not only see everything happening, I could FEEL it. You able to convey so much through your exquisite writing. You transport your readers to another world, another person. This has touched me so deeply, and I know this will not be my last time crying over it. I was actually struggling to read through the film of film tears in my eyes. This deserves so many more reviews than it has gotten. As much as I love reading fluffy, meaningless stories, I also like ones that demonstrate that life is not always a walk in the park. It's why I love John Green's writing so much. It's deep and meaningful and sad and beautiful all at the same time. You have crafted meaningless letters into something wonderful with only your mind. Thank you for sharing this with us. Oh gosh, I'm a complete mess. I can't really form coherent thoughts right now. Please excuse me while I try to clean up the tear-stained mess that is my face.
~Lyra (Not my actual name. But I love astronomy and I'm not super creative, sooo...yeah.)
And by the way, I read this as slash. I couldn't tell you why. I just get the feeling.
6/25/2020 c1 Lyra
Wow. Your story is so beautiful. I was simply blown away by the depth of it. You communicated so many thoughts and emotions with few words. Reading this I feel like a different person. I experienced all of the thoughts and emotions as if they were my own. You made me cry, which is a rarity for me. (I don't usually express emotions through tears, I just explore them from within my mind. But these weren't my emotions.) This was so incredibly amazing, you are SO talented. I can't put into words how blown away I am by your writing. You should definitely consider a career as a writer if you haven't already. (Also, you have impeccable grammar.) Thank you for sharing your incredible talent with us. You may not have a lot of reviews, but I'm positive that this touched everyone who read it just as much as it touched me. You are a beautiful person. Don't stop writing.
~Lyra (Not my actual name. I just love astronomy, and frankly, I'm not super creative. Sooo...yeah.)
And by the way, I read this as slash. I couldn't tell you why. I just got the feeling.
Wow. Your story is so beautiful. I was simply blown away by the depth of it. You communicated so many thoughts and emotions with few words. Reading this I feel like a different person. I experienced all of the thoughts and emotions as if they were my own. You made me cry, which is a rarity for me. (I don't usually express emotions through tears, I just explore them from within my mind. But these weren't my emotions.) This was so incredibly amazing, you are SO talented. I can't put into words how blown away I am by your writing. You should definitely consider a career as a writer if you haven't already. (Also, you have impeccable grammar.) Thank you for sharing your incredible talent with us. You may not have a lot of reviews, but I'm positive that this touched everyone who read it just as much as it touched me. You are a beautiful person. Don't stop writing.
~Lyra (Not my actual name. I just love astronomy, and frankly, I'm not super creative. Sooo...yeah.)
And by the way, I read this as slash. I couldn't tell you why. I just got the feeling.
4/25/2010 c1 
16Creeping Collarbones
I just read a bunch of your one shots and poems. You're so talented and write beautifully. You haven't posted anything in awhile. I think you should.
Good job (: I hope you keep writing
16Creeping CollarbonesI just read a bunch of your one shots and poems. You're so talented and write beautifully. You haven't posted anything in awhile. I think you should.
Good job (: I hope you keep writing
3/20/2009 c1 3Balliett
ack. gorgeous! this story is so heartachingly sad. it's like a fairy-tale without the happily-ever-after. it even has the sort of surreal air of a fairytale.
one thing i want to point out is the fast-pace of the story. sometimes it's good to slow down and establish some ground to stand on, you know? -nodnod-
but the story is still good. it makes me cry. ;^; (which is why i like it so much, hehe)
3Balliettack. gorgeous! this story is so heartachingly sad. it's like a fairy-tale without the happily-ever-after. it even has the sort of surreal air of a fairytale.
one thing i want to point out is the fast-pace of the story. sometimes it's good to slow down and establish some ground to stand on, you know? -nodnod-
but the story is still good. it makes me cry. ;^; (which is why i like it so much, hehe)
3/1/2009 c1 2Sunshine's Secret
well I didn't cry all the way through but I hit that last line and my eyes welled. it probably didn't help that "tattoo" by jordin sparks came on the radio the moment i opened this story.
it's written well. a little broken up, a little disheveled. but that makes it read exactly how it should.
excellent piece.
I hope you never had to go through anything like this at all.
2Sunshine's Secretwell I didn't cry all the way through but I hit that last line and my eyes welled. it probably didn't help that "tattoo" by jordin sparks came on the radio the moment i opened this story.
it's written well. a little broken up, a little disheveled. but that makes it read exactly how it should.
excellent piece.
I hope you never had to go through anything like this at all.
2/3/2009 c1 2CryingHello
So very sad, and yet so very brilliant at the same time! This story start out calm, morphs into something that leaves me curious, and then ends and makes me want to cry. Well done!
2CryingHelloSo very sad, and yet so very brilliant at the same time! This story start out calm, morphs into something that leaves me curious, and then ends and makes me want to cry. Well done!
10/11/2008 c1 3Sybaritic
Wow, this is gorgeous. Very sad, and very real. I still have shivers. I didn't sense that it was too short, just right. I love the romantic tone of the speaker, mixed with the cold hard drops of reality. Your lines are gorgeous. The etch-a-sketch made me smile xD
There's a few typos, but I didn't notice them until I read this a second time.
It did seem a bit weird to me that the characters formed such a quick connection over one afternoon - the whole parting with a hug and the kiss on the forehead. But as I understand it, they spent the whole day together? Until the late evening? Am I getting this right? It's a bit vague, but I can accept a bit of unrealism with this story. The whole story has that surreal feel to it, and I think it reflects the surrealism that comes with the death of someone that's close to you.
I imagine this as being slash, honestly. But that's because I'm a slash author, and at the end, it really doesn't make a difference.
3SybariticWow, this is gorgeous. Very sad, and very real. I still have shivers. I didn't sense that it was too short, just right. I love the romantic tone of the speaker, mixed with the cold hard drops of reality. Your lines are gorgeous. The etch-a-sketch made me smile xD
There's a few typos, but I didn't notice them until I read this a second time.
It did seem a bit weird to me that the characters formed such a quick connection over one afternoon - the whole parting with a hug and the kiss on the forehead. But as I understand it, they spent the whole day together? Until the late evening? Am I getting this right? It's a bit vague, but I can accept a bit of unrealism with this story. The whole story has that surreal feel to it, and I think it reflects the surrealism that comes with the death of someone that's close to you.
I imagine this as being slash, honestly. But that's because I'm a slash author, and at the end, it really doesn't make a difference.
10/8/2008 c1 1Kneecap
I certainly can review it :D, and the title and summary, straight off, were...excellent. I loved your inversion of normality, i.e the rain being dry. Very catching :).
I wrote a oneshot set in a graveyard...but yours totally p'wns mine.
"He was sitting propped against the big oak tree that shed its autumn leaves all over the cemetery." - I liked the line, but as a small thing, I like attention to detail and setting a LOT, so maybe you could describe the colour of the leaves? And their movements? Maybe some were spinning through the air like helicopter blades? And maybe that was something the main character used to do with the deceased (as in, watching helicopters or some such thing)? What I mean is, you can use setting to bring out old memories from the character, which adds to the sadness of the whole situation :).
Also, be careful not to start too many sentences with 'I' or 'he': try to vary your sentence beginnings.
I liked the "he" guy (I don't know his name) but I revert back to what I said in my last reviews: "honey brown eyes" - it's too Twilight-ish. Does the colour of his eyes even matter at the end of the day? Isn't there something less commonplace about his appearance that you could describe? I read 'Brokeback Mountain' and realised, after having read it through, that the author never once mentioned eye colour in her descriptions. She mentioned small things about them, like buckteeth and a slight hunch etc. I'm not saying that you should make your characters hideous, but defects make them more relateable to.
So...uh, she/he just goes up to someone they don't know and gives them his/her name and phonenumber! I'm finding that a little unrealistic unless she's (I think of her as a girl in my mind) a hooker.
"Someone played guitar in the background as we picnicked on M&M’s and my half-full Dr. Pepper on a blanket of weedy grass and yellow rose petals." - beautiful line. It gives that casual feel of an autumn romance.
"perpetually sheathed in goose bumps, even when I curled my heavy fleece jacket around his shoulders" - really excellent use of a verb ('sheathed') especially as you brought clothing into the line. Really good link.
If this main character is a girl, she seems quite dominating, which is a good thing :). I like stories where women actually act independently from the men, and aren't as submissive and downtrodden as they're usually made out to be.
Try not to use brackets in writing, it looks out of place and a little unprofessional. Use hyphens (longer versions of these: - ) if you want to add extra bits into your sentence.
"that I sipped and sipped until I couldn’t taste anything but him." - that'd be better if you didn't use the verb 'to sip'. I get the impression that she wants to taste as much of him as she can, in which case I think a stronger verb such as 'gulp' or 'imbibe' might work better.
"He didn’t want anyone to listen. He just wanted someone to hear." - that doesn't make sense to me.
And also, your plot is moving too fast. I have no idea how we arrived at the conclusion that your main character would call this boy every Sunday at 9:05 (in the morning? In the evening?), when we don't even know why they feel such a close connection. Is he someone she knows or some random person (if he is then wtf is going on...)?
"His head would sit in the crook of my neck until the clock struck midnight when he’d flee, Cinderella in colored-on red converse and my old fleece jacket that I let him keep (it smelled like yellow roses and M&M’s and autumn leaves, still)." - I'm over-dramatic and I really wanted to see imagery of him disappearing into the night or something xD, but that was still a lovely sentence.
If you intended for the reader not to really understand what's going on with this, then that's all fine and dandy, but if you didn't, then you need to bring in at least a little more background information and build-up.
"He only laughed when we were alone and he only smiled when no one was home." - there was a lovely bit of rhyme in that sentence, well done :).
Careful not to over-romanticise your character. I have a major problem with eyes being over-beautified and having a person's vigour and personality in general being shown through them. It's just, tbh, lame and it gives no leeway for a reader's interpretation, not to mention it's hard to conjure up images in one's head of a person with a "sparkle" in their eyes. I prefer it when the facial muscles and tone of voice and body language are used to show a character's feelings rather than just stating them or 'showing' them in their eyes.
"“Me too, love. Me too.”" - well that just makes Him seem really old. That's old man terminology. UNLESS HE REALLY IS AN OLD MAN? Well...if he is...*backs away*.
In reality, do people ever really use those kind of over-romantic cliched lines if they really do love someone? Beauty is in simplicity and moderation.
Ok, the last two paragraphs sent shivers down my spine. I don't think you could have ended the piece any better.
But just before he last two paragraphs, I think the repetition of 'A bang' took away the effect. It's more chilling if you take that out and try to state things in a matter-of-fact kind of way. And also "severe snap"? If that was the sound of the trigger being pulled then...hmm, you need to re-word that. I don't think 'severe' and 'snap' go well together as a general rule of the thumb anyway.
But taking the last line into consideration...o_o, this was excellent. If a few alterations are made to this, I'd like it even more though :).
1KneecapI certainly can review it :D, and the title and summary, straight off, were...excellent. I loved your inversion of normality, i.e the rain being dry. Very catching :).
I wrote a oneshot set in a graveyard...but yours totally p'wns mine.
"He was sitting propped against the big oak tree that shed its autumn leaves all over the cemetery." - I liked the line, but as a small thing, I like attention to detail and setting a LOT, so maybe you could describe the colour of the leaves? And their movements? Maybe some were spinning through the air like helicopter blades? And maybe that was something the main character used to do with the deceased (as in, watching helicopters or some such thing)? What I mean is, you can use setting to bring out old memories from the character, which adds to the sadness of the whole situation :).
Also, be careful not to start too many sentences with 'I' or 'he': try to vary your sentence beginnings.
I liked the "he" guy (I don't know his name) but I revert back to what I said in my last reviews: "honey brown eyes" - it's too Twilight-ish. Does the colour of his eyes even matter at the end of the day? Isn't there something less commonplace about his appearance that you could describe? I read 'Brokeback Mountain' and realised, after having read it through, that the author never once mentioned eye colour in her descriptions. She mentioned small things about them, like buckteeth and a slight hunch etc. I'm not saying that you should make your characters hideous, but defects make them more relateable to.
So...uh, she/he just goes up to someone they don't know and gives them his/her name and phonenumber! I'm finding that a little unrealistic unless she's (I think of her as a girl in my mind) a hooker.
"Someone played guitar in the background as we picnicked on M&M’s and my half-full Dr. Pepper on a blanket of weedy grass and yellow rose petals." - beautiful line. It gives that casual feel of an autumn romance.
"perpetually sheathed in goose bumps, even when I curled my heavy fleece jacket around his shoulders" - really excellent use of a verb ('sheathed') especially as you brought clothing into the line. Really good link.
If this main character is a girl, she seems quite dominating, which is a good thing :). I like stories where women actually act independently from the men, and aren't as submissive and downtrodden as they're usually made out to be.
Try not to use brackets in writing, it looks out of place and a little unprofessional. Use hyphens (longer versions of these: - ) if you want to add extra bits into your sentence.
"that I sipped and sipped until I couldn’t taste anything but him." - that'd be better if you didn't use the verb 'to sip'. I get the impression that she wants to taste as much of him as she can, in which case I think a stronger verb such as 'gulp' or 'imbibe' might work better.
"He didn’t want anyone to listen. He just wanted someone to hear." - that doesn't make sense to me.
And also, your plot is moving too fast. I have no idea how we arrived at the conclusion that your main character would call this boy every Sunday at 9:05 (in the morning? In the evening?), when we don't even know why they feel such a close connection. Is he someone she knows or some random person (if he is then wtf is going on...)?
"His head would sit in the crook of my neck until the clock struck midnight when he’d flee, Cinderella in colored-on red converse and my old fleece jacket that I let him keep (it smelled like yellow roses and M&M’s and autumn leaves, still)." - I'm over-dramatic and I really wanted to see imagery of him disappearing into the night or something xD, but that was still a lovely sentence.
If you intended for the reader not to really understand what's going on with this, then that's all fine and dandy, but if you didn't, then you need to bring in at least a little more background information and build-up.
"He only laughed when we were alone and he only smiled when no one was home." - there was a lovely bit of rhyme in that sentence, well done :).
Careful not to over-romanticise your character. I have a major problem with eyes being over-beautified and having a person's vigour and personality in general being shown through them. It's just, tbh, lame and it gives no leeway for a reader's interpretation, not to mention it's hard to conjure up images in one's head of a person with a "sparkle" in their eyes. I prefer it when the facial muscles and tone of voice and body language are used to show a character's feelings rather than just stating them or 'showing' them in their eyes.
"“Me too, love. Me too.”" - well that just makes Him seem really old. That's old man terminology. UNLESS HE REALLY IS AN OLD MAN? Well...if he is...*backs away*.
In reality, do people ever really use those kind of over-romantic cliched lines if they really do love someone? Beauty is in simplicity and moderation.
Ok, the last two paragraphs sent shivers down my spine. I don't think you could have ended the piece any better.
But just before he last two paragraphs, I think the repetition of 'A bang' took away the effect. It's more chilling if you take that out and try to state things in a matter-of-fact kind of way. And also "severe snap"? If that was the sound of the trigger being pulled then...hmm, you need to re-word that. I don't think 'severe' and 'snap' go well together as a general rule of the thumb anyway.
But taking the last line into consideration...o_o, this was excellent. If a few alterations are made to this, I'd like it even more though :).