10/18/2008 c1 Fractured Illusion
"Askes the first one"

- asks

""The Fallen is in this city somewhere!"

- Is this info dumping really necessary? It feels forced. he already said he was in that city. Why re-state it? We can find out its a fallen one later right?

""And that meal is you!""

- Again, what with stating the obvious? Not needed. Also, that line makes it come off as a bad horror movie O_o

""Save the rest for me,""

- Same comment as before: He has already said this. Why again? Superfluous.

"seeing the chewed bones."

- What kind of news channels SHOWS the mutilated corpses of police officers to the public? In the morning? When children may be watching? O_o

""Its just a much of crap,""

- bunch of crap?

In conclusion: work on info dumping. Dont use it in such obvious ways. And remember, being subtle is the key. Good luck :)

- Frac, from the Review Marathon (link in profile)