for The Beast Chronicles10/16/2008 c2 
9Dot Cubed
Okay, I liked this chapter a lot better than the first one. I felt that it flowed a lot smoother and you weren't trying to throw as much information at us. The action scenes were very nicely written.
Just a few things, though: shouldn't Blackjacks be capitalized? You'd think since that's the name of the organization it would be, just because it's like a proper noun. Or something.
Also, when did Dane have time to make these bombs? What did he make them with? Some more detail on that would be appreciated. Plus, if these Blackjacks are as security minded as I get from them, it doesn't make sense that they'd leave tools around that Dane can make bombs out of.
Finally, this part: [“I have a bad feeling about going out there,” I said.]
I'd like to know more about this feeling. Right now it just seems sort of random and out there-why did Dane have it? How does he feel? Did he maybe hear the shifting of the robots or feel a plummeting feeling in his gut? Something like that would make it more believable.
9Dot CubedOkay, I liked this chapter a lot better than the first one. I felt that it flowed a lot smoother and you weren't trying to throw as much information at us. The action scenes were very nicely written.
Just a few things, though: shouldn't Blackjacks be capitalized? You'd think since that's the name of the organization it would be, just because it's like a proper noun. Or something.
Also, when did Dane have time to make these bombs? What did he make them with? Some more detail on that would be appreciated. Plus, if these Blackjacks are as security minded as I get from them, it doesn't make sense that they'd leave tools around that Dane can make bombs out of.
Finally, this part: [“I have a bad feeling about going out there,” I said.]
I'd like to know more about this feeling. Right now it just seems sort of random and out there-why did Dane have it? How does he feel? Did he maybe hear the shifting of the robots or feel a plummeting feeling in his gut? Something like that would make it more believable.
10/12/2008 c1 Dot Cubed
Okay, first off, please take out the author's notes in the middle of the story. It's very unprofessional and really detracts from the story. I mean, you don't see actual published authors inserting comments about their works everywhere, so you shouldn't either. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it just really bugs me. Almost as much as people writing "I suck at summaries" in their summary, but that's a different story.
Along those lines...remember the age old rule: show, don't tell. Instead of listing off the descriptions of your characters, you should let the details unfold in the story. For example, you could write "Beth brushed her long brown hair behind her ears...blah blah blah," something like that. I'd rather learn about the characters from the story itself, not from the author telling me about them.
Honestly, this first chapter sort of felt like an episode of a TV show, to me. And I definitely think you need to explain more about UniStar. What is the corporation? Why is it so bad that it's taken control of the United States? Something like that.
Okay, first off, please take out the author's notes in the middle of the story. It's very unprofessional and really detracts from the story. I mean, you don't see actual published authors inserting comments about their works everywhere, so you shouldn't either. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it just really bugs me. Almost as much as people writing "I suck at summaries" in their summary, but that's a different story.
Along those lines...remember the age old rule: show, don't tell. Instead of listing off the descriptions of your characters, you should let the details unfold in the story. For example, you could write "Beth brushed her long brown hair behind her ears...blah blah blah," something like that. I'd rather learn about the characters from the story itself, not from the author telling me about them.
Honestly, this first chapter sort of felt like an episode of a TV show, to me. And I definitely think you need to explain more about UniStar. What is the corporation? Why is it so bad that it's taken control of the United States? Something like that.
9/28/2008 c5 5Maplewing
"Laser eyes!" xD I love that part...
I like the names in this story, especially UniSTar and the Oasis. Why is it that everyone except me thinks up awesome organization names? Ah well...
I wanna know what happens next. I mean, major cliffie at the end. It's not even a complete sentence... I must know what happens. ^^;
5Maplewing"Laser eyes!" xD I love that part...
I like the names in this story, especially UniSTar and the Oasis. Why is it that everyone except me thinks up awesome organization names? Ah well...
I wanna know what happens next. I mean, major cliffie at the end. It's not even a complete sentence... I must know what happens. ^^;
9/28/2008 c2 Maplewing
Hi! Oh my god, a genetic engineering hybrid story! I live for these things!^^ This kind of reminds me of Dr. Franklin's Island (if a certain someone sees this, yes I ended up reading it. xD) But anyway. It's not like they're clones of each other or anything, so that's fine. I like the story so far. Just wanted to say that. I'll review again at chapter 5, when I'm all caught up. See ya!
Hi! Oh my god, a genetic engineering hybrid story! I live for these things!^^ This kind of reminds me of Dr. Franklin's Island (if a certain someone sees this, yes I ended up reading it. xD) But anyway. It's not like they're clones of each other or anything, so that's fine. I like the story so far. Just wanted to say that. I'll review again at chapter 5, when I'm all caught up. See ya!