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9/7/2010 c1 6A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
Wow! Very original story, havent read something like this before. Lots of humor all over the place too. Made a nice smooth read. About the sequel - go for it!
11/5/2008 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
That would have? Hm, sounds interesting. Well, I have a few things I would like to point out.

One, this is a story that is brimming with potential. I mean, you have everything in here that is needed for a good story, but you're missing something that's keeping the pot from spilling over.

First person stories usually always have a problem with them because you sort of want to be the one telling the story, which is essentially what you're doing. But if you are telling the story, you have to ask yourself what YOU would do in that situation.

Of course, in this case, it's not you but Emeralde, so you need to put on her persona. She has thoughts, but she lacks passion. Where is her thumping heart when she's trying to open the lock, her frustration as she wriggles through the vents? Where was the fear in her eyes when they got caught?

She almost seems, too statue like. Although, I give you credit for her racing heart when T-Bone surprised her.

Also, in terms of writing, you do a good job. But watch out for repition. There was only one case where I saw it. Emeralde was escaping from the chair she was tied to. You used "Then I . . ." three times.

Well, I'll check out the sequel. This was a good story, an interesting read, I enjoyed reading it. :)


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