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for Wendake

6/20/2009 c7 2Blackcatfrodo
This is coming along quite well! I can't wait to read the next chapter!

5/30/2009 c7 5Romantic Nun
wow...this is very descriptive and wonderfully written. I really liked this chapter =) can't wait for more
4/30/2009 c7 41Dreamweaver38
Hey Suzy!

Ok, so I couldn't decide what to review for WCC and I was feeling history-ish and wanted to read something and then I remembered I never went back to read Wendake thus far and now I've read the whole thing up to Chapter 7 and can't wait for more. Then I realized that the last day for reviews was today, and that you entered so I could do the depth review on Wendake and then I was like YAY! Ok, now you know why I'm here. XD

So you get my depth Review for WCC and you have Karas to thank for that.

Moving on: THE REVIEW (note, I'm gonna try and do it for the whole thing ok?):

Ok, you really hooked me with the opening. The first chapter was very very compelling. It had this feel that made you worry for the child, you wanted to protect her from her father.

At least that's what I got.

I believe what really helped this was how you described the event of the mother's death through emotion rather than fact. It really helped to develop the characters quickly and efficiently and developed the background for the story, which is crucial for the into.

I also really like how the setting almost always has a connection to the meaning of each chapter. For example, the sunset in this last chapter, 7, when Little Wolf and Sky were admiring it, it really gave something more to Little Wolf's affections. As well as the sunflowers.

Your doing a great job with the dialog now and I've seen HUGE improvements since chapter 1 with the grammatical aspects of dialog. However, throughout the story, I pride you in being able to maintain a dialog that matches the time period, people and even usually the language that the character primarily speaks. Cuz I'm afraid that won't make sense, here's the example. Jacques is French right? Well, even though the text is in English, the way you phrase it makes him SOUND french. It's really quite incredible.

The Characters are usually well done. By chapter seven, Sky, Little Wolf and Lunette are well known to the reader and are hooked on seeing them grow. However, a new character is almost always introduced in each chapter, which can be confusing at times and distracting from the main plot between Sky and Little Wolf. But as long as the character continuires to play a role in the story, this should be fine. The only other comment I have is about Jacques and Godfrey. I can't remember what chapter Jacques comes in, but he was thrown in rather abrubtly, like he was suddenly there and you still don't know too much about him even in chapter 7. Also, Godfrey's character seems to have flipped right over to something entirely opposite from chapter 1 without a why... or if there was, I didn't get it. If it's to be explained later, you might want to give the reader a bit of foreshadowing that would keep them hooked even more... (though I suppose you could consider the bannock incident foreshadowing XD) Despite this, I love how your characters always seem so real because of their natural reactions and actions.

The relationships between the characters seems relitively natural and most of the time makes sense. The only one is Godfrey suddenly accepting everyone near the beginning that I don't understand.

I'm definetly seeing a big improvement on writing style since chapter 1. Things are more organized, flow more nicely, and the use of more adverbs and adjectives really really helps since you use setting very much in your writing. I really enjoy the description now because it adds a balance to all the dialog the reader is getting from the characters.

As for Spelling and Grammer, just go back and really fix your first few chapters when you get the chance. You seem to have a MUCH better grasp on writing style and grammer, so the fix ups shouldn't be too hard. Also, if FP persists to be annoying, try sending FP a message if you know of no one who knows how to fix it. (pst... Zion helped me with my issues with FP! :) )

As always, I enjoy reading Wendake, but at the same time, I don't find it overly suspenseful. I usually have to read all the way through a chapter before stopping, but in between chapters I often found myself wandering off to other things. It is still an enjoyable piece, and the bits of actual history help to bring the excitement down to a more comfortable level. But to keep the reader's interest between chapters (even though updates are usually weeks apart), try ending with a cliffhanger even if you won't update for a month. It gives you deticated readers a thrill when they finally get the e-mail saying you updated and I've found will usually stop what they're doing to go and read it if it left the reader hanging.

Mind, besides a romance between Little Wolf and Sky and maybe a bit about the Wendake tribe being saved, I'm not really sure where this is going. But I think you have enough of a plot to keep your readers coming back and guessing what's coming next.

Ok so this is really long and I've covered more than the four required areas I think, so I'll stop now. :)

I love Wendake, I was reading a piece of it once in History class when we were in the Computer lab. XD Can't wait to see what happens next!

Keep History stories like this alive, maybe one day we'll actually learn Canadian history this way. :)

Keep Writing,

4/26/2009 c7 Left FP
This is from the Review Squad:

Lovely chapter, and the pacing is good. Ahh...Sky and Little Wolf are growing up, aren't they? I can see the tale tell signs of affection already. This chapter was really cute.

I liked the way you introduced Shadow and Morning Star. The half wolf was fun to read about. Sky still has that child like candor about her, making her all the more lovable.

And I have developed a soft corner for Little Wolf as well. So mothers agree about the match, but what does Godfrey say? And won't there be some villain in the form of an Englishman?

I want an update. I wait is killing me!

So, update soon, Suz.

This was a wonderful read...

~ Bender.
4/22/2009 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro. Me again if ya remember. Erm actaully I changed my nick from wolfblood82 to this current one. Ok, basically interesting to see how the baby reacted negatively to everyone until Lunette actaully came about. Interesting conflict of thoughts in the father as well. I'll be interested to see what will come out of this. :) As for Lunette, erm is she your main here? I'm not too sure about this since I've still got no idea where this story will go. But anyway, glad to see that Lunette is able to calm the baby. I think her bond with her will play a central role in this story.
4/14/2009 c2 13Ruby Kart
I like this very much.

It's a very sweet story, and I'd like to see anyone who doesn't have a clue of what you're talking about. Babies cry all the time, and you help to give that picture in your description. your interpretation of the own baby's feelings is also very good. It give the reader insight and makes it a slight more personal.
4/2/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there! Me again. :) Anyway, glad to review you again after so long. Ok, first things first, this is definitely a very short chapter, but you did well to set the path for this story. I like the way you portrayed the past in this chapter. With that being said however, I thought that you could have fleshed out this area so as to make this chapter more interesting. And yeah, I don't know if this a character paradox, but I do think you did well in explaining the father's feelings although again, I feel that you could have done with more details on this aspect. Apart from that, nothing much to say.
3/30/2009 c1 13Ruby Kart
First attempt at writing? You're putting me on, right?

This was fantastic! You really do a good job with the descriptions and you bring the reader into that fateful night.

I really look forward to seeing what happens.

But, there are a few grammatical errors. Just by slowly proofreading, you can find them. Good Job!
3/30/2009 c7 9Luuk
Since I haven't hada chance to read the chapters before this, I know nothing of the characters. However, this line here caught my eye:

"Sky dashed into the kitchen, a whirlwind of dark hair, white skirts punctuated here and there by leaves and dandelion heads. She held a yelping, wriggling furry bundle under her arm."

I could picture that scene perfectly. It made me smile.

So far, the only mistake I found was a change in tense here:

"She skewered the blackened, smoldering mess in the bottom of the pan and lifted it high so that they both can see it."

Can should be could, I think. Correct me if I'm wrong!

("Yes Mama") should have a period at the end anda comma after yes...both times.

Other than that, I thought it was a cute chaper, even though I don't know what happened before then; it seems to stand by itself from what I read. Keep up the good work!
3/30/2009 c1 4Frayling0
Nice start. I enjoyed the ominous initial descriptions and for a first attempt at writing as you say, it's a promising start! I look forward to reading more. :)
3/22/2009 c1 018108
This is for the review game, I came across your request and I'm currently doing 'rounds on FP. I mainly focus on grammar/spelling aspect so this review will mostly consist just that.

The first thing I picked up from the first paragraph was the short-ness of them. Sometimes writers have an unhealthy habit of writing sentences too long or too short. Too short is the problem here. Too short means your sentences sound choppy and cut off, which is exactly what is happening at the moment. I shall demonstrate using one of your sentences.

"The midwife hovered worriedly above her. She knew that this day had started out with bad omens. It had been too long already. The child was probably dead and its mother would soon follow. She had lost too much blood."

Too many full stops and the sentence just sounds too abrupt in my opinion. I would probably write instead 'The midwife hovered worriedly above her. She had known this day had started out with bad omens and it had been too long already. The child was probably dead and it's mother would soon follow, she'd already lost too much blood." Remember, commas and the word 'and' is your friend, don't be afraid to use them.

'This woman had just come here from the old country less than 2 years ago' - naughty naughty! Number one rule to remember when numerics are involved is numbers under 10 (zero to nine) must always be written out. (Though there are exceptions). So it should be two years, just keep an eye on that because they tend be the things most writers overlook.

"England they would have a doctor right away and this would not be happening." Present vs past tense. Now most people write stories in the past tense because it's easier to write that way (at least in my opinion). So your story is written in past tense from the words 'poured' and 'soaked'. The 'ed' being the obvious giveaway. However in the sentence I just outlined (England they would ... etc.) it's written in present tense. It should be instead 'England they would have 'had' a doctor right away and this would 'have' not been happening.' Same thing with this sentence 'How can he raise a child alone', it should be 'how 'could' he raise a child alone'.

Caps locks are used when they shouldn't have been i.e - 'Help Me' and 'Your Daughter'. Keep an eye on those yeah?

You've got a fair amount of reviews already so most of what I've pointed out, I'm sure others have picked up too. But just in case, here's another reminder. I really like everything else. The description was well thought so nice job. I'm curious on the title, does it mean anything? Anyways nice job and happy writing.

2/1/2009 c2 1DrenchedinWine
I do like your story so far, it's kept my attention. And props for doing a period piece; that requires research & real work, so kudos for trying to tackle that. "When her daughter had taken her first breath…she had breathed her last." in your first chapter sounds ambiguous with the pronouns; it sounds like you're talking about the baby rather than the mother so I got confused for a second. Also, in your second chapter, you use a LOT of ellipses. But good job so far :)
1/31/2009 c6 5Romantic Nun
great! r u planning on writing more to this soon? looking forward to it :) great job!
1/31/2009 c4 Romantic Nun
great chapter onto the next :)
1/31/2009 c3 Romantic Nun
interesting :)
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