for Wendake10/24/2008 c2 
2Selarose
I love historical fiction. :) Of course, it has to be real (or at least feel that way; no modern things mingling with the old, as, they didn't exist back then!). But so far that hasn't been a problem. I like how you give us each person's viewpoint, even the newborn's, but I would have liked more from the mother. And was that a c-section birthing?
In the first chapter, you mention "gods" (which BTW should be lowercased), but the husband always speaks/"curses" in the singular. I think you should stick with one view: multiple or singular. I also think you overuse ellipses (dots); it's a bit irksome after awhile and not really necessary. I realize you probably want to indicate a pause/hesitance, but it can be too much. Commas would work really well and better in most cases. Sorry if any of that sounds harsh; it wasn't my intention.
Is the child going to grow up or is the story more about the dad coping? I'm just curious is all. It seems like the story could go either way. Anyway, I think you've done a fairly good job and I'm interested in seeing more, so until next time.
Selarose, from the Roadhouse
2SelaroseI love historical fiction. :) Of course, it has to be real (or at least feel that way; no modern things mingling with the old, as, they didn't exist back then!). But so far that hasn't been a problem. I like how you give us each person's viewpoint, even the newborn's, but I would have liked more from the mother. And was that a c-section birthing?
In the first chapter, you mention "gods" (which BTW should be lowercased), but the husband always speaks/"curses" in the singular. I think you should stick with one view: multiple or singular. I also think you overuse ellipses (dots); it's a bit irksome after awhile and not really necessary. I realize you probably want to indicate a pause/hesitance, but it can be too much. Commas would work really well and better in most cases. Sorry if any of that sounds harsh; it wasn't my intention.
Is the child going to grow up or is the story more about the dad coping? I'm just curious is all. It seems like the story could go either way. Anyway, I think you've done a fairly good job and I'm interested in seeing more, so until next time.
Selarose, from the Roadhouse
10/24/2008 c2 11vrivasfl
I can guarantee you without a shadow of a doubt that you have done more research into the Huron language than any of your readers have or are willing to do. If you have any mistakes in syntax, spelling, or grammar, no one will notice. Trust me.
This chapter flowed a lot better than the previous. The pacing was excellent, in my opinion. II like Lunette so far, even though she hasn't said anything yet. The fact that she has not said anything say a lot about her, since she only speaks her native tongue and French.
The dialog wasn't very interesting. It seemed flat and to the point. I didn't feel like there was any uniqueness coming from it. It just seemed like the facts were being presented.
However, the chapter kept me interested from the first word to the final line. The last two paragraphs were a bit over verbose, in that you used the word warm or some variation of it like five times, but never really elaborated on the feeling other than "warmth" and where that warmth came from.
This was a good chapter.
11vrivasflI can guarantee you without a shadow of a doubt that you have done more research into the Huron language than any of your readers have or are willing to do. If you have any mistakes in syntax, spelling, or grammar, no one will notice. Trust me.
This chapter flowed a lot better than the previous. The pacing was excellent, in my opinion. II like Lunette so far, even though she hasn't said anything yet. The fact that she has not said anything say a lot about her, since she only speaks her native tongue and French.
The dialog wasn't very interesting. It seemed flat and to the point. I didn't feel like there was any uniqueness coming from it. It just seemed like the facts were being presented.
However, the chapter kept me interested from the first word to the final line. The last two paragraphs were a bit over verbose, in that you used the word warm or some variation of it like five times, but never really elaborated on the feeling other than "warmth" and where that warmth came from.
This was a good chapter.
10/24/2008 c1 11Kirrithian
Freebie review:
A good start, it hooks the reader really quite well. I also enjoyed the way you've portrayed the characters feelings here...
It's a good piece for your first attempt at writing.
The only thing that bugged me a little was that it seemed a little rushed, a bit short. With the sort of description you've got going it would work nicely if you expanded it a bit more.
Keep writing
- Kirrithian
11KirrithianFreebie review:
A good start, it hooks the reader really quite well. I also enjoyed the way you've portrayed the characters feelings here...
It's a good piece for your first attempt at writing.
The only thing that bugged me a little was that it seemed a little rushed, a bit short. With the sort of description you've got going it would work nicely if you expanded it a bit more.
Keep writing
- Kirrithian
10/21/2008 c2 8Written
this isn't for the review game, but I thought you might want to hear my thoughts on the second chapter as well, so here I am!
first: I love that you're incorporating the huron into this story. I'm writing a story about a girl who is lakota sioux, and I think there aren't enough stories that explore those themes :)
I like that you remembered to give her a wet nurse too; a lot of people forget details like that and it gives your story a sense of realism.
Is this story going to be about the daughter when she's older? like, will there be a jump in time? just curious.
okay, keep writing! it's good.
8Writtenthis isn't for the review game, but I thought you might want to hear my thoughts on the second chapter as well, so here I am!
first: I love that you're incorporating the huron into this story. I'm writing a story about a girl who is lakota sioux, and I think there aren't enough stories that explore those themes :)
I like that you remembered to give her a wet nurse too; a lot of people forget details like that and it gives your story a sense of realism.
Is this story going to be about the daughter when she's older? like, will there be a jump in time? just curious.
okay, keep writing! it's good.
10/21/2008 c1 Written
I love historical fiction, yay :) I like the beginning scene with the birthing and the storm; it was very dramatic. the comment the father made about moving to this country made me realize the setting; I forgot to read the italics up top, so that was good :)
I also liked the line you wrote about when he saw his dead wife... it was so morbid! something about the words "pool of blood" always gets to me.
I'm sad that he's shunned his daughter, but I suppose lots of men might feel that way, given the circumstances. However, I did think it was odd that he was so surprised by his wife's death, as back in those days, childbirth often lead to death.
I love historical fiction, yay :) I like the beginning scene with the birthing and the storm; it was very dramatic. the comment the father made about moving to this country made me realize the setting; I forgot to read the italics up top, so that was good :)
I also liked the line you wrote about when he saw his dead wife... it was so morbid! something about the words "pool of blood" always gets to me.
I'm sad that he's shunned his daughter, but I suppose lots of men might feel that way, given the circumstances. However, I did think it was odd that he was so surprised by his wife's death, as back in those days, childbirth often lead to death.
10/21/2008 c1 3Mercyette
Hey there! First of all, let me say thanks for your last review. I don't have betas, so it's nice to get reviews that help with the grammar errors and such. That and it's nice to see some interest in my WW2 story. Hopefully, it'll help get me excited about the research aspect of it. -_-
Anywho, on to your review. I like how you immediately draw the reader in with the intense scene right at the beginning. Most stories don't give that type of gift to the reader. :P It also helps keep the reader interested in future chapters. Good work with that.
What I would have liked to see more of was the emotions of the characters in the beginning. You did a good job conveying the grief and guilt of the husband, but I also would have enjoyed hearing the wife's thoughts as well, especially since the birth of her daughter came at such a dear price.
Overall, nice work!
3MercyetteHey there! First of all, let me say thanks for your last review. I don't have betas, so it's nice to get reviews that help with the grammar errors and such. That and it's nice to see some interest in my WW2 story. Hopefully, it'll help get me excited about the research aspect of it. -_-
Anywho, on to your review. I like how you immediately draw the reader in with the intense scene right at the beginning. Most stories don't give that type of gift to the reader. :P It also helps keep the reader interested in future chapters. Good work with that.
What I would have liked to see more of was the emotions of the characters in the beginning. You did a good job conveying the grief and guilt of the husband, but I also would have enjoyed hearing the wife's thoughts as well, especially since the birth of her daughter came at such a dear price.
Overall, nice work!
10/17/2008 c1 11vrivasfl
I found the opening chapter to be muddling and uninteresting.
The opening paragraph itself was too metaphorical for my taste. It's easier to understand scenery and description without being so metaphorical, especially considering that I don't know your style of metaphor. Somewhere down the line in the story, it would have been better in usage.
The following paragraphs were much better. The attention shifted from the father, the mother, and even the midwife randomly and rapidly, so everyone's opinion could be shown. That was good.
Then, I felt it hit a lull in the road when the husband had a pseudo-flashback. I believe it was too long. There were times were your repeated the same thing, with different words, in another paragraph. The main gist of five paragraph was that he left England with his supportive wife to start a life of his own without his family's money. You didn't need five or six paragraphs for that.
Then, the chapter concluded on a high note. Back in the present day (or present for your timeline) you go into a brief description of the girl without being overly metaphoric. The father's reaction was well done as well.
Also, there was a couple of missing punctuations here and there. Mostly commas and apostrophes.
11vrivasflI found the opening chapter to be muddling and uninteresting.
The opening paragraph itself was too metaphorical for my taste. It's easier to understand scenery and description without being so metaphorical, especially considering that I don't know your style of metaphor. Somewhere down the line in the story, it would have been better in usage.
The following paragraphs were much better. The attention shifted from the father, the mother, and even the midwife randomly and rapidly, so everyone's opinion could be shown. That was good.
Then, I felt it hit a lull in the road when the husband had a pseudo-flashback. I believe it was too long. There were times were your repeated the same thing, with different words, in another paragraph. The main gist of five paragraph was that he left England with his supportive wife to start a life of his own without his family's money. You didn't need five or six paragraphs for that.
Then, the chapter concluded on a high note. Back in the present day (or present for your timeline) you go into a brief description of the girl without being overly metaphoric. The father's reaction was well done as well.
Also, there was a couple of missing punctuations here and there. Mostly commas and apostrophes.
10/16/2008 c2 10Imperfect-Princess
You just have to watch your grammar a little, there's to many '...' trailing off's in it. But that's just my opinion, lol. I think you've researched this well, but it would help a lot if the chapters were longer, but the detail is so good! And bt the way, this review is for constructive critism, so I'm not expecting you to go and review any of my stories. If you need any help, you always msg me. I'm really impressed, you said this was your first ever story, its very very good for a beginner story. Keep up the great work, and I'll be watching where this is headed.
Skyla .
10Imperfect-PrincessYou just have to watch your grammar a little, there's to many '...' trailing off's in it. But that's just my opinion, lol. I think you've researched this well, but it would help a lot if the chapters were longer, but the detail is so good! And bt the way, this review is for constructive critism, so I'm not expecting you to go and review any of my stories. If you need any help, you always msg me. I'm really impressed, you said this was your first ever story, its very very good for a beginner story. Keep up the great work, and I'll be watching where this is headed.
Skyla .
10/16/2008 c2 3Hosea's wife
I'm so impressed that you're attempting a historical fiction! Especially at a time and place so rich with history, I can't wait to see how it will turn out. The writing itself flows very well and has a sort of crisp turn of phrase (is that weird? I mean it as a compliment!). I'll be interested to see how the story progresses.
3Hosea's wifeI'm so impressed that you're attempting a historical fiction! Especially at a time and place so rich with history, I can't wait to see how it will turn out. The writing itself flows very well and has a sort of crisp turn of phrase (is that weird? I mean it as a compliment!). I'll be interested to see how the story progresses.
10/16/2008 c2 3Finer Freedoms
First off, thank you for reading my story!
I also thoroughly enjoyed reading yours. You have very nice descriptions and I like seeing the third person omniscient point of view in chapter two. I don't often find that in writing. However, I have just a few suggestings. Try to work on the grammatical structure of some of your sentences. Most of them are fine, but a few sometimes sound off. Also, this may just be a pet peeve of my own and I'm not sure if it is truly a grammatical error, but try not to use so many "..." in your writing. Other than that, I really liked your plotline and I can't wait to read more!
~Finer Freedoms
3Finer FreedomsFirst off, thank you for reading my story!
I also thoroughly enjoyed reading yours. You have very nice descriptions and I like seeing the third person omniscient point of view in chapter two. I don't often find that in writing. However, I have just a few suggestings. Try to work on the grammatical structure of some of your sentences. Most of them are fine, but a few sometimes sound off. Also, this may just be a pet peeve of my own and I'm not sure if it is truly a grammatical error, but try not to use so many "..." in your writing. Other than that, I really liked your plotline and I can't wait to read more!
~Finer Freedoms
10/15/2008 c2 9MagicWords
Interesting new plot take.
One error i noticed "Here name was Yaundeeshaw Utehke which meant Moon Woman."
it should be "her" other than that, (im sorry!) i didnt look for more corrections! my bad! but i guess that means they werent there, right? lol!
Good job. Is romance destined for these two? Hmm...
WEll nice new chapter. keep them coming. maybe read me?
9MagicWordsInteresting new plot take.
One error i noticed "Here name was Yaundeeshaw Utehke which meant Moon Woman."
it should be "her" other than that, (im sorry!) i didnt look for more corrections! my bad! but i guess that means they werent there, right? lol!
Good job. Is romance destined for these two? Hmm...
WEll nice new chapter. keep them coming. maybe read me?
10/15/2008 c1 MagicWords
Wow, how sad. That is really unfortuante...
I like this story already though. I wonder where it will go.
Keep on writing because this is not bad. On to Chapter 2!
Wow, how sad. That is really unfortuante...
I like this story already though. I wonder where it will go.
Keep on writing because this is not bad. On to Chapter 2!
10/15/2008 c2 RebeccaRevolution1776
I like it, but what time peroid is this in?
RebeccaRevolution1776
I like it, but what time peroid is this in?
RebeccaRevolution1776
10/10/2008 c1 2Blackcatfrodo
Very good. Just a few errors, but not major. I'm very interested in the story so far, and love the setting. I'm now wondering if they'll go back to their original home, or stay there. And wonder what's going to happen to the baby. Please update soon
-Blackcatfrodo
2BlackcatfrodoVery good. Just a few errors, but not major. I'm very interested in the story so far, and love the setting. I'm now wondering if they'll go back to their original home, or stay there. And wonder what's going to happen to the baby. Please update soon
-Blackcatfrodo