for Wendake1/17/2009 c2 
190Manifest-Destiny-x X
It was very good follow-up to chapter 1, I thought. The character development is progressing at an acceptable pace. Some of the grammar and punctuation still drove me insane!
190Manifest-Destiny-x XIt was very good follow-up to chapter 1, I thought. The character development is progressing at an acceptable pace. Some of the grammar and punctuation still drove me insane!
1/15/2009 c4 8Written
this chapter was sweet. I like the use of italics to mark the use of another language; its good.
nothing else really sticks out. i think the way lunette is developing as a character is good; the pacing is right.
why do you omit apostrophes?
I'll be back to read more later. very sorry that I've neglected keeping up!
8Writtenthis chapter was sweet. I like the use of italics to mark the use of another language; its good.
nothing else really sticks out. i think the way lunette is developing as a character is good; the pacing is right.
why do you omit apostrophes?
I'll be back to read more later. very sorry that I've neglected keeping up!
1/15/2009 c1 24Elennar
Here's your freebie!
I liked your descriptions here. They're pretty clear, and don't confuse- you have a good command over the language. However, I found some parts to be a little cliched. For example, "“I m so sorry” she mumbled and turned away from his grief. He looked past her and saw his beloved Beatrice lying in a pool of blood on the bed. It couldn’t t be…but it was. When her daughter had taken her first breath…she had breathed her last.
He looked at her and was dazed. Dead and gone and it was because of him. His mind struggled to come to terms with this…many thoughts fighting each other to be recognized."
Perhaps you could try using something newer?
24ElennarHere's your freebie!
I liked your descriptions here. They're pretty clear, and don't confuse- you have a good command over the language. However, I found some parts to be a little cliched. For example, "“I m so sorry” she mumbled and turned away from his grief. He looked past her and saw his beloved Beatrice lying in a pool of blood on the bed. It couldn’t t be…but it was. When her daughter had taken her first breath…she had breathed her last.
He looked at her and was dazed. Dead and gone and it was because of him. His mind struggled to come to terms with this…many thoughts fighting each other to be recognized."
Perhaps you could try using something newer?
1/14/2009 c5 Left FP
One question: in the previous chapter, Lunette couldn't understand a word of Little Wolf's talk and in this one they can all understand each other without any difficulty, how so?
Well, I like the friendship that is slowly developing between the two.
But, I wish something would happen soon. And like I said before, I can feel a certain tension slowly building up.
Once again, not much concrit to offer since you have been flooded with reviews.
Just a suggestion: please update before sending reviewers to review Wendake. FP won't accept multiple reviews for one chapter from the same member.
And since I have already reviewed the entire story, I can't review the story again.
You stopped your story in a cliffhanger and one grows feverish on reaching the end.
Therefore, please please update the story as soon as you can.
I can't give you anymore concrit than I already have.
~Misty Elizabeth
One question: in the previous chapter, Lunette couldn't understand a word of Little Wolf's talk and in this one they can all understand each other without any difficulty, how so?
Well, I like the friendship that is slowly developing between the two.
But, I wish something would happen soon. And like I said before, I can feel a certain tension slowly building up.
Once again, not much concrit to offer since you have been flooded with reviews.
Just a suggestion: please update before sending reviewers to review Wendake. FP won't accept multiple reviews for one chapter from the same member.
And since I have already reviewed the entire story, I can't review the story again.
You stopped your story in a cliffhanger and one grows feverish on reaching the end.
Therefore, please please update the story as soon as you can.
I can't give you anymore concrit than I already have.
~Misty Elizabeth
1/14/2009 c4 Left FP
Okay...the scene with the rabbit though cute is a bit cliched. I fail to understand the mysterious appearance of Little Wolf suddenly.
Sure he is from Quebec, and he is Wendat...but that just adds to the mystery, eh?
The conversation between Lunette and Sky make it evident that she had learnt to accept Jacques and perhaps loves him more than her real father.
The chapter was a little bit too short and I honestly feel, the events in this one are a little forced.
But, since you have had loads of reviews, I guess you did look into the matter, right?
Okay...the scene with the rabbit though cute is a bit cliched. I fail to understand the mysterious appearance of Little Wolf suddenly.
Sure he is from Quebec, and he is Wendat...but that just adds to the mystery, eh?
The conversation between Lunette and Sky make it evident that she had learnt to accept Jacques and perhaps loves him more than her real father.
The chapter was a little bit too short and I honestly feel, the events in this one are a little forced.
But, since you have had loads of reviews, I guess you did look into the matter, right?
1/14/2009 c3 Left FP
I am not good at editing myself so I rather not talk about the usage of punctuations...*shakes fist at the grammar book*...anyway, this chapter is sweet in its own special away.
Jacques' feeling towards the three main character, the way he is introduced into the story seem to come with natural flow.
Not much to correct once again. Your author's note already mentions you have corrected the errors...nothing else for me to comment on, right?
I am not good at editing myself so I rather not talk about the usage of punctuations...*shakes fist at the grammar book*...anyway, this chapter is sweet in its own special away.
Jacques' feeling towards the three main character, the way he is introduced into the story seem to come with natural flow.
Not much to correct once again. Your author's note already mentions you have corrected the errors...nothing else for me to comment on, right?
1/14/2009 c2 Left FP
Aw...adorable the way you ended this chapter. The baby's feelings have been beautifully portrayed.
The conflict of the father when he has to choose between what is right and what is easy has been beautifully written.
Your writing reflects that you took enough trouble to go over your work time and again...and a lot of painstaking editing has been done as well.
Once again, I find nothing to complain about.
But I do appreciate the amount of research you have put into your work. I never knew historical fictions can be such fun! Honestly...
Sorry I couldn't offer more concrit.
Aw...adorable the way you ended this chapter. The baby's feelings have been beautifully portrayed.
The conflict of the father when he has to choose between what is right and what is easy has been beautifully written.
Your writing reflects that you took enough trouble to go over your work time and again...and a lot of painstaking editing has been done as well.
Once again, I find nothing to complain about.
But I do appreciate the amount of research you have put into your work. I never knew historical fictions can be such fun! Honestly...
Sorry I couldn't offer more concrit.
1/14/2009 c1 Left FP
This is for the Review Game:
Well, I did read this story before. So, basically I know where it is heading.
The advantage of reading a story fully at one go and then coming back to read it, is that you get sharper eyes and it is easier to locate errors.
You had several typos and mostly in the form of an extra 't' after words like couldn't t, didn't t...etc.
Coming to the story, I like the way you started off. It introduces the main character and the reader at once realizes this is her story. The weather signifies how her life would turn out to be. The opening is very captivating and I felt myself drawn into the story once again.
Your writing is very rich when it comes to describing the emotions felt by Katherine's father.
The thoughts in his head her stretched out...and one can relate to his feelings.
The pain of losing is wife, the way he feels alienated from his child makes for a heart-breaking scene.
The last sentence certainly has a cliffhanger..."Take her away"...the reader at once become curious to know what happens to the baby...does he take care of her? Does he abandon her?
Well-thought out and precise work, in my opinion.
I don't find anything to dislike about in this chapter.
This is for the Review Game:
Well, I did read this story before. So, basically I know where it is heading.
The advantage of reading a story fully at one go and then coming back to read it, is that you get sharper eyes and it is easier to locate errors.
You had several typos and mostly in the form of an extra 't' after words like couldn't t, didn't t...etc.
Coming to the story, I like the way you started off. It introduces the main character and the reader at once realizes this is her story. The weather signifies how her life would turn out to be. The opening is very captivating and I felt myself drawn into the story once again.
Your writing is very rich when it comes to describing the emotions felt by Katherine's father.
The thoughts in his head her stretched out...and one can relate to his feelings.
The pain of losing is wife, the way he feels alienated from his child makes for a heart-breaking scene.
The last sentence certainly has a cliffhanger..."Take her away"...the reader at once become curious to know what happens to the baby...does he take care of her? Does he abandon her?
Well-thought out and precise work, in my opinion.
I don't find anything to dislike about in this chapter.
1/13/2009 c5 1LeonAle
Hiya! This is LeonAle from Fight for the Freebie, and here is your review!
I enjoyed the active voice you put into your characters. It's unusual for me seeing younger characters in stories, but the chapter was very interesting and both Sky and Little Wolf seemed very real (as well as funny, for some reason).
Your main problem is punctuation; I found several examples where quotations are missing or a comma should be placed. Otherwise, everything else was fine.
Having read only one chapter, I'm not sure what the plot's about, but it seems great so far. Keep up the good work!
1LeonAleHiya! This is LeonAle from Fight for the Freebie, and here is your review!
I enjoyed the active voice you put into your characters. It's unusual for me seeing younger characters in stories, but the chapter was very interesting and both Sky and Little Wolf seemed very real (as well as funny, for some reason).
Your main problem is punctuation; I found several examples where quotations are missing or a comma should be placed. Otherwise, everything else was fine.
Having read only one chapter, I'm not sure what the plot's about, but it seems great so far. Keep up the good work!
1/13/2009 c6 1August Falcon
The main thing you need to watch is punctuation - some of it's fine but you switch back and forth. The punctuation at the end of the quote should always be inside the quotation marks, and there shouldn't be any immediately after it. Also, when the speaker addresses someone by name, such as “What is it Little Wolf?” the name should be set off by commas: “What is it, Little Wolf?”
The characterization is well done, and I thought the part about Lunette eyeing the bannock worked especially well. Overall, nice job so far!
1August FalconThe main thing you need to watch is punctuation - some of it's fine but you switch back and forth. The punctuation at the end of the quote should always be inside the quotation marks, and there shouldn't be any immediately after it. Also, when the speaker addresses someone by name, such as “What is it Little Wolf?” the name should be set off by commas: “What is it, Little Wolf?”
The characterization is well done, and I thought the part about Lunette eyeing the bannock worked especially well. Overall, nice job so far!
1/12/2009 c1 190Manifest-Destiny-x X
First of all, I am a huge fan of historical fiction, so this is right up my alley. However, I have never read one that took place in Canada... so this will be a bit new for me.
The back story was well incorporated and interesting. Your writing style is to the point, but has just enough elaboration. It made me want to keep reading.
Some of the grammar bothered me: punctuation and some word choice obstructed the flow of the piece.
190Manifest-Destiny-x XFirst of all, I am a huge fan of historical fiction, so this is right up my alley. However, I have never read one that took place in Canada... so this will be a bit new for me.
The back story was well incorporated and interesting. Your writing style is to the point, but has just enough elaboration. It made me want to keep reading.
Some of the grammar bothered me: punctuation and some word choice obstructed the flow of the piece.
1/10/2009 c6 ABANDONED2
I love Skys cute immature quality, and how she dosn't want to grow up, i think it's a cute trate, and makes for an interesting viewpoint of writing.
I like the fact that Godfrey is trying to get her to be a proper lady as ell, and she dosn't want to.
I loved the bannock, i found that odly funny :D for no reason other than they don't seem to think it looks right
great chapter update soon please.
ellen
x
I love Skys cute immature quality, and how she dosn't want to grow up, i think it's a cute trate, and makes for an interesting viewpoint of writing.
I like the fact that Godfrey is trying to get her to be a proper lady as ell, and she dosn't want to.
I loved the bannock, i found that odly funny :D for no reason other than they don't seem to think it looks right
great chapter update soon please.
ellen
x
1/10/2009 c5 ABANDONED2
Sorry, just wondering first, why does it bold Harha in the 13th line or somthing?
I love them explaining to Sky about maple syrup, I think it's sweet how she dosn't know what it is.
i also loved story time again, it's cute,
I love the age you've made your main protaganists, it makes for interesting reading... i don't htink i've read about characters this young
I really enjoyed your writing style in this chapter
great chapter
ellen
x
Sorry, just wondering first, why does it bold Harha in the 13th line or somthing?
I love them explaining to Sky about maple syrup, I think it's sweet how she dosn't know what it is.
i also loved story time again, it's cute,
I love the age you've made your main protaganists, it makes for interesting reading... i don't htink i've read about characters this young
I really enjoyed your writing style in this chapter
great chapter
ellen
x
1/10/2009 c4 ABANDONED2
I love they innonsence(sp) of Skys character, and how she thinks she sees a bear, and assumes that its friendly, i found that oddly ammusing.
you showed really good character development, i get a feel for who sky is now, that i didn't ebfore.
and another thing i liked was the new character you itroduced. I think little wolf is an awesome character, and i am looking forward to getting to know him soon.
ellen
x
I love they innonsence(sp) of Skys character, and how she thinks she sees a bear, and assumes that its friendly, i found that oddly ammusing.
you showed really good character development, i get a feel for who sky is now, that i didn't ebfore.
and another thing i liked was the new character you itroduced. I think little wolf is an awesome character, and i am looking forward to getting to know him soon.
ellen
x
1/10/2009 c3 ABANDONED2
Right, I really enjoyed how it had passed five years, i know thats an odd thing to enjoy, but i liked it, it showed character devolpment.
And for my second point. i loved the (bed time) story, it may have been pretty sad, and depressing, but i still loved it.
You have a good writing style, and there wasn't any grammer/spelling mistakes that i could notice
ellen
x
Right, I really enjoyed how it had passed five years, i know thats an odd thing to enjoy, but i liked it, it showed character devolpment.
And for my second point. i loved the (bed time) story, it may have been pretty sad, and depressing, but i still loved it.
You have a good writing style, and there wasn't any grammer/spelling mistakes that i could notice
ellen
x