for Wendake1/10/2009 c1 ABANDONED2
(RG)
Wow, brilliant first chapter, i really liked it.
your first two paragraphs were very gripping, and well written, where as, i really enjoyed the ending, it wasn't what i expected to say the lease.
I liked the fathers fealings, but, i also hate him if you get what i mean? but you convay why he feels like this well
(i'll probably be reviewing later, bt i've got somthing to do now, so i can't finish tonight.)
ellen
x
(RG)
Wow, brilliant first chapter, i really liked it.
your first two paragraphs were very gripping, and well written, where as, i really enjoyed the ending, it wasn't what i expected to say the lease.
I liked the fathers fealings, but, i also hate him if you get what i mean? but you convay why he feels like this well
(i'll probably be reviewing later, bt i've got somthing to do now, so i can't finish tonight.)
ellen
x
1/8/2009 c6 
9TuneOut
Dialog: Your dialog was very good. I could clearly see that they were a close knit family. Each person's dialog fit them. Sky is very young and spoke like a kid too. I could see the maternalistic side from Lunette too from her speech patterns.
Writing: I feel like you could go into detail a little more. You're story is so dialogue based that I feel like we're missing out on other details that we could get from discriptions. Since it's third person and not third person limited, we don't really get to hear the narrator thoughts either so I feel like if you focused less on dialog to tell your story, it'll add more to it.
Characters: I like all of your characters so far. They all seem very loving and likable. I like Sky. Her childness amuses me and I find it adorable.
Spelling/Grammar: There wasn't anything that I could find that was wrong. Nice job there since it makes reading so much more enjoyable.
9TuneOutDialog: Your dialog was very good. I could clearly see that they were a close knit family. Each person's dialog fit them. Sky is very young and spoke like a kid too. I could see the maternalistic side from Lunette too from her speech patterns.
Writing: I feel like you could go into detail a little more. You're story is so dialogue based that I feel like we're missing out on other details that we could get from discriptions. Since it's third person and not third person limited, we don't really get to hear the narrator thoughts either so I feel like if you focused less on dialog to tell your story, it'll add more to it.
Characters: I like all of your characters so far. They all seem very loving and likable. I like Sky. Her childness amuses me and I find it adorable.
Spelling/Grammar: There wasn't anything that I could find that was wrong. Nice job there since it makes reading so much more enjoyable.
1/8/2009 c5 4Decoris Verbum
Hey, nice job. I loved how you added cultural foundations to this story, because it really gives you originality points. However, there were a number of spots in which I think a comma would have helped the rhythm flow a little better, and that kind of distracted me. Otherwise, very interesting!
-DV-
4Decoris VerbumHey, nice job. I loved how you added cultural foundations to this story, because it really gives you originality points. However, there were a number of spots in which I think a comma would have helped the rhythm flow a little better, and that kind of distracted me. Otherwise, very interesting!
-DV-
1/7/2009 c4 Carus
I like the child-like way that this story is told. I think it adds to the story and makes it easier for the reader to see it from the girl's perspective.
I did notice a few grammatical errors, however. I think with the parts in italics, FP has somehow managed to delete all of your apostrophes.
Also, I think that the story could be made better by having the dialogue in normal text. I don't think that the italics add anything - in fact, for me, they detract from the story.
keppy writing!
-Amy
I like the child-like way that this story is told. I think it adds to the story and makes it easier for the reader to see it from the girl's perspective.
I did notice a few grammatical errors, however. I think with the parts in italics, FP has somehow managed to delete all of your apostrophes.
Also, I think that the story could be made better by having the dialogue in normal text. I don't think that the italics add anything - in fact, for me, they detract from the story.
keppy writing!
-Amy
1/6/2009 c6 4rainhailsnow
just a suggestion about the line breaks =) you can always put a full stop in place of a line and if you want a scene break just put in like * or something then go to the next line =)
characters - your characters are adorable and everything but i think it's all starting to look too picture perfect? your characters would benefit from more depth. It's always nice to have a mixture of peace and mayhem in the way your characters interact with each other.
plot - i don't mean to be nasty or anything XD but i was hoping for some more action? to spice things up a little. it's understandable that you need a couple of chapters to set the story and the characters in their place so perhaps you could develop the plot a little more, you know, get things moving along.
ending - i know this might be starting to sound a little repetitive but...it didn't really do anything for me. The image of the two of them playing together is really cute and endearing but at the same time, that's the same technique that you've used for the past couple of chapters. a change in pace might be called for? just a suggestion =)
i've noticed that there's been a bit of a drop in the amount of descriptions and emotive language used in this chapter from the previous ones. i'm not sure if that was done purposely but it has changed the way in which i read your story. perhaps you could bring it back so as to let your readers immerse themselves completely in this wonderful world you've created. =)
so far, it's a fantastic story. But i would really like to see more action/sub plots if necessary/ cliffhangers/ and all those things that make your heart race a bit =) but its still all beautifully written =) i would definitely like to read more! update when you can!
4rainhailsnowjust a suggestion about the line breaks =) you can always put a full stop in place of a line and if you want a scene break just put in like * or something then go to the next line =)
characters - your characters are adorable and everything but i think it's all starting to look too picture perfect? your characters would benefit from more depth. It's always nice to have a mixture of peace and mayhem in the way your characters interact with each other.
plot - i don't mean to be nasty or anything XD but i was hoping for some more action? to spice things up a little. it's understandable that you need a couple of chapters to set the story and the characters in their place so perhaps you could develop the plot a little more, you know, get things moving along.
ending - i know this might be starting to sound a little repetitive but...it didn't really do anything for me. The image of the two of them playing together is really cute and endearing but at the same time, that's the same technique that you've used for the past couple of chapters. a change in pace might be called for? just a suggestion =)
i've noticed that there's been a bit of a drop in the amount of descriptions and emotive language used in this chapter from the previous ones. i'm not sure if that was done purposely but it has changed the way in which i read your story. perhaps you could bring it back so as to let your readers immerse themselves completely in this wonderful world you've created. =)
so far, it's a fantastic story. But i would really like to see more action/sub plots if necessary/ cliffhangers/ and all those things that make your heart race a bit =) but its still all beautifully written =) i would definitely like to read more! update when you can!
1/6/2009 c5 rainhailsnow
i'd have to say that, in terms of writing, either way is good. you should write in the way most comfortable for you. And when you think about it, writing a story is pretty much the same as telling, right? People have different styles =) whichever way you choose will be fine~
dialogue - i noticed that there was a lot more dialogue in this chapter and i was kind of glad. Simply because the majority of it was between Sky and Little Wolf =p there was a current of innocence and childish naivety that really appealed to me as a reader =)
pace wise - so far, it's been an enjoyable read, however, i think you might benefit from putting in a couple of surprises here and there, just to keep readers on their toes. It doesn't have to change the plot, but maybe...insert something that will act a stepping stone for the two main characters? =) just a suggestion.
ending - hrm...i think it's all personal preference. For me, i like a little bit of a cliffhanger at the end of chapters but if you want to keep things more sedate then that's completely cool as well =) it finishes well but could have been more exciting.
plot - he went home? but isn't he a little boy? i don't know if this situation fits properly into the plot. But of course that's all realistic reasoning. It's a fiction story so whichever way the author chooses~ the plot is getting increasingly absorbing =) wonder what's going to happen next!
i'd have to say that, in terms of writing, either way is good. you should write in the way most comfortable for you. And when you think about it, writing a story is pretty much the same as telling, right? People have different styles =) whichever way you choose will be fine~
dialogue - i noticed that there was a lot more dialogue in this chapter and i was kind of glad. Simply because the majority of it was between Sky and Little Wolf =p there was a current of innocence and childish naivety that really appealed to me as a reader =)
pace wise - so far, it's been an enjoyable read, however, i think you might benefit from putting in a couple of surprises here and there, just to keep readers on their toes. It doesn't have to change the plot, but maybe...insert something that will act a stepping stone for the two main characters? =) just a suggestion.
ending - hrm...i think it's all personal preference. For me, i like a little bit of a cliffhanger at the end of chapters but if you want to keep things more sedate then that's completely cool as well =) it finishes well but could have been more exciting.
plot - he went home? but isn't he a little boy? i don't know if this situation fits properly into the plot. But of course that's all realistic reasoning. It's a fiction story so whichever way the author chooses~ the plot is getting increasingly absorbing =) wonder what's going to happen next!
1/6/2009 c4 rainhailsnow
characters - i love this new character! he definitely turns the notch up a little. there's mystery surrounding him and it definitely makes me want to read more. once again congrats on being able to bring his image to life. i hope you will explain his secret later =)
dialogue - your dialogue has also improved, i've noted. it flows more naturally and we can really see some aspects of the characters through the dialogue. there aren't any discrepancies with how character should have spoken cause it was all good =p
enjoyment - i really liked this chapter. despite the fact that it was mainly to introduce a new character and insert some new flavours into the story, and hence, didn't have much action, it was still heartwarming to read. Was there a reference to alice in wonderland in there or just my imagination?
ending - lovely way to end the chapter; it ended the mysterious scene on a calm, concluding note. what i would perhaps like to see are some cliffhangers, ones that leave your readers on the edge of their seats =) but author's decision. your endings still leave me satisfied so its all good though =)
characters - i love this new character! he definitely turns the notch up a little. there's mystery surrounding him and it definitely makes me want to read more. once again congrats on being able to bring his image to life. i hope you will explain his secret later =)
dialogue - your dialogue has also improved, i've noted. it flows more naturally and we can really see some aspects of the characters through the dialogue. there aren't any discrepancies with how character should have spoken cause it was all good =p
enjoyment - i really liked this chapter. despite the fact that it was mainly to introduce a new character and insert some new flavours into the story, and hence, didn't have much action, it was still heartwarming to read. Was there a reference to alice in wonderland in there or just my imagination?
ending - lovely way to end the chapter; it ended the mysterious scene on a calm, concluding note. what i would perhaps like to see are some cliffhangers, ones that leave your readers on the edge of their seats =) but author's decision. your endings still leave me satisfied so its all good though =)
1/6/2009 c3 rainhailsnow
oops =.= i just realised that other people might have already pointed out what i pointed out so i apologise if i'm repeating what's already been said. =)
i loved the way you portrayed Jacques and Godfrey. Their friendship seems so ideal and perfect in a way and i guess in a story that's fine. =) kind of makes me wish for a Jacques or Godfrey of my own
i really enjoyed learning about the history behind Lunette's people. it made the situation seem more realistic and we're finally able to see behind the curtains.
your grammar has improved a lot but just one little thing i noticed was that this sentence - 'tired but contented' i'm pretty sure that it should have been 'tired but content'? but it's just a little thing. if the grammar if fixed, the story flows so much better =)
the banter between Sky and Lunette really tugged at me in that oh so reminiscent way. It was really enjoyable to read. =)
oops =.= i just realised that other people might have already pointed out what i pointed out so i apologise if i'm repeating what's already been said. =)
i loved the way you portrayed Jacques and Godfrey. Their friendship seems so ideal and perfect in a way and i guess in a story that's fine. =) kind of makes me wish for a Jacques or Godfrey of my own
i really enjoyed learning about the history behind Lunette's people. it made the situation seem more realistic and we're finally able to see behind the curtains.
your grammar has improved a lot but just one little thing i noticed was that this sentence - 'tired but contented' i'm pretty sure that it should have been 'tired but content'? but it's just a little thing. if the grammar if fixed, the story flows so much better =)
the banter between Sky and Lunette really tugged at me in that oh so reminiscent way. It was really enjoyable to read. =)
1/6/2009 c2 rainhailsnow
the opening - one of my favourite openings for a chapter would have to be dialogue and passionate at that. you've hit the nail on the head. it immediately gets your attention the second the page appears.
writing - if there's one thing that you definitely know how to do, it would be imagery. while i was reading this chapter, i would see it happening in front of my eyes. AND you didn't use ridiculously long and complicated words to express yourself =)
grammar - your grammar, for the most part, is quite good but i think there was massive overusage of '...' when there needed to be a comma or just another sentence altogether =)
ending - i thought that the ending was kind of an anti-climax when compared with the opening of this chapter. not to say that it was terrible, but...i was left feeling unsatisfied. it might have been better to leave it at 'finally safe.'
onto the next chapter! =)
the opening - one of my favourite openings for a chapter would have to be dialogue and passionate at that. you've hit the nail on the head. it immediately gets your attention the second the page appears.
writing - if there's one thing that you definitely know how to do, it would be imagery. while i was reading this chapter, i would see it happening in front of my eyes. AND you didn't use ridiculously long and complicated words to express yourself =)
grammar - your grammar, for the most part, is quite good but i think there was massive overusage of '...' when there needed to be a comma or just another sentence altogether =)
ending - i thought that the ending was kind of an anti-climax when compared with the opening of this chapter. not to say that it was terrible, but...i was left feeling unsatisfied. it might have been better to leave it at 'finally safe.'
onto the next chapter! =)
1/6/2009 c1 rainhailsnow
beautifully written =) the opening was truly captivating. you put adjectives and imagery in the right places from the get go. i was compelled to read further after the opening. =)
just a little note about punctuation - there were some places where you skipped commas and the appropriate punctuation. e.g. "Help Me" she said - i'm not sure if the capital M is necessary? a suggestion would be "Help me," she said./ "I'm so sorry" she mumbled should be 'I'm so sorry," she mumbled. I'm being pedantic XD but the missing punctuation is quite noticeable.
wonderful characterisation of the father - i was torn between hating him and feeling sympathetic towards him! you utilised a lot of emotive language that was necessary to play this out well.
although this was enjoyable to read, i have to perhaps suggest that there was a slight awkwardness in the character of the midwife and how she was referring to the wife. some of your sentences could have been joined together to avoid this?
but overall, masterpiece of a first chapter =)
beautifully written =) the opening was truly captivating. you put adjectives and imagery in the right places from the get go. i was compelled to read further after the opening. =)
just a little note about punctuation - there were some places where you skipped commas and the appropriate punctuation. e.g. "Help Me" she said - i'm not sure if the capital M is necessary? a suggestion would be "Help me," she said./ "I'm so sorry" she mumbled should be 'I'm so sorry," she mumbled. I'm being pedantic XD but the missing punctuation is quite noticeable.
wonderful characterisation of the father - i was torn between hating him and feeling sympathetic towards him! you utilised a lot of emotive language that was necessary to play this out well.
although this was enjoyable to read, i have to perhaps suggest that there was a slight awkwardness in the character of the midwife and how she was referring to the wife. some of your sentences could have been joined together to avoid this?
but overall, masterpiece of a first chapter =)
1/6/2009 c1 9Dot Cubed
Starting from the beginning! haha
Anyway, I thought that this was a very good prologue/beginning. I really loved the way you delved into the backstory of the young man; it sounds like you've researched all the historical details, which leads to a very believable story.
Also, I really loved the emotion in this, especially at the end where the man wanted to turn his daughter away. It was very depressing, but I loved the way you described it. I could feel his pain. Excellent job!
Some grammar stuff:
"How can he raise a child alone? Good God how can he explain this to her family back home?" -I'm pretty sure the "can"s should be in past tense, because you're writing the story in past tense.
"family s" -missing apostrophe
9Dot CubedStarting from the beginning! haha
Anyway, I thought that this was a very good prologue/beginning. I really loved the way you delved into the backstory of the young man; it sounds like you've researched all the historical details, which leads to a very believable story.
Also, I really loved the emotion in this, especially at the end where the man wanted to turn his daughter away. It was very depressing, but I loved the way you described it. I could feel his pain. Excellent job!
Some grammar stuff:
"How can he raise a child alone? Good God how can he explain this to her family back home?" -I'm pretty sure the "can"s should be in past tense, because you're writing the story in past tense.
"family s" -missing apostrophe
1/5/2009 c6 3Mercyette
Yay! A new chapter. I was excited when I was alerted. :)
What I really loved most about this chapter is that it was longer than your usual ones. I'm a sucker for detail, so I enjoy longer stories. It gives the reader a chance to really get to know the characters and surroundings and such. I'd love it if I saw more chapters like this.
I'll give you another complement, as I didn't really see anything to pick at. I really like how you have portrayed Little Wolf. It's really interesting how you only introduced him a few chapters ago and he's already so vibrant. You've done a great job with him!
Update soon!
3MercyetteYay! A new chapter. I was excited when I was alerted. :)
What I really loved most about this chapter is that it was longer than your usual ones. I'm a sucker for detail, so I enjoy longer stories. It gives the reader a chance to really get to know the characters and surroundings and such. I'd love it if I saw more chapters like this.
I'll give you another complement, as I didn't really see anything to pick at. I really like how you have portrayed Little Wolf. It's really interesting how you only introduced him a few chapters ago and he's already so vibrant. You've done a great job with him!
Update soon!
1/5/2009 c1 4bringmayflowers
for the review game (since I messed up before-sorry)
I love the way this began. "The day Katherine was born was dark and stormy." This really pulled me in. I also love your descriptions and the way the midwife also 'had a voice' (in a sense) in the story. I love the way the father interacted with everything. Great job Suzanna
4bringmayflowersfor the review game (since I messed up before-sorry)
I love the way this began. "The day Katherine was born was dark and stormy." This really pulled me in. I also love your descriptions and the way the midwife also 'had a voice' (in a sense) in the story. I love the way the father interacted with everything. Great job Suzanna
1/5/2009 c2 bringmayflowers
This is for chapter 6 but I have already 'reviewed it' and FP is sometimes a meanie and won't let you review again. :o)
I really enjoyed the chapter. The dialogue was easy to read and although there were not many descriptions I could see the scenes happening. I love the characters and I think you are slowly developing them really well. Keep going. I hope you update soon Suzanna! Great job.
This is for chapter 6 but I have already 'reviewed it' and FP is sometimes a meanie and won't let you review again. :o)
I really enjoyed the chapter. The dialogue was easy to read and although there were not many descriptions I could see the scenes happening. I love the characters and I think you are slowly developing them really well. Keep going. I hope you update soon Suzanna! Great job.
1/4/2009 c6 2Flailing-Axes
Hmm, now this I liked.
The characters were very believable, in the way they reacted and spoke, nothing struck me as out of place at all, well done. I didn't quite feel as though I could emphasise with any of them though.
As I said, the dialouge was next to perfect, it was obvious who was speaking, who they were speaking to long before the 'he said/she said' part. You matched it perfectly to the characters, I was shocked at how well it was done, I really can't offer any critisisms.
The writing was...very good in my opinion. It had a nice flow to it, not too much descrption, which didn't trouble me at all. Fair amount of humour in it, if anything could be done to improve it I think maybe you need to add something that really makes the read on.
AS it is, it's a good read, but I don't feel...captured by it, if you know what I mean. It has few faults, highly realistic and original, but I wouldn't have an issue putting it down. That's it really, looking fowards to more, keep it up.
2Flailing-AxesHmm, now this I liked.
The characters were very believable, in the way they reacted and spoke, nothing struck me as out of place at all, well done. I didn't quite feel as though I could emphasise with any of them though.
As I said, the dialouge was next to perfect, it was obvious who was speaking, who they were speaking to long before the 'he said/she said' part. You matched it perfectly to the characters, I was shocked at how well it was done, I really can't offer any critisisms.
The writing was...very good in my opinion. It had a nice flow to it, not too much descrption, which didn't trouble me at all. Fair amount of humour in it, if anything could be done to improve it I think maybe you need to add something that really makes the read on.
AS it is, it's a good read, but I don't feel...captured by it, if you know what I mean. It has few faults, highly realistic and original, but I wouldn't have an issue putting it down. That's it really, looking fowards to more, keep it up.