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9/10/2009 c3 Rennn
Woah, that was chilling. Was Helena the girl that 'left in a huff' when she was with Zalek? That was a rather unpleasant end for the poor girl! :O

...I like dogs as well... xD

Well, I personally preferred this chapter to the last. I like action - the last chapter reminded me of a chick flick. ;D I like those too but, for me, action is better. Either way, it's good to be meeting the different characters, elements and... uh... man-eating dogs of the story. :P

This one was all in all awesome. One mistake - you put 'cut thru' instead of 'cut through'. Despite that, I think this one provided all the great quality of the previous chapters.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

9/10/2009 c2 Rennn
Aaw, poor Calyx! What an awful thing to happen! Ugh. That would just completely suck; I totally sympathise with her.

Your characters have some really interesting names! I do think the thought behind names is very important, and individual names usually lead to some well-developed characters! I look forward to seeing them grow. ^^

Your writing is great. You don't overwhelm the reader with detail, but apply great and creative metaphors and similes when you do utilise description. Awesome. xD Grammar is correct as far as I noticed and it's a great read. :D

Of course, there is room for expansion in your writing; just a little bit here and there to give it more depth (but that applies to practically every story, so don't take it to heart). :)

9/7/2009 c3 4anika k
...and I felt bad for Calyx. o.o I'm interested in this 'Sandy' now. I have a feeling that she might be more than just your average dog. Minus the multi-colored fur, you make 'Sandy' sound like a real dog up until the part where she gets kind of violent, too. Helena's pretty brave to take this strange creature into her house.

The beginning of this chapter had some good suspense. It made you wonder who was following Helena, or if it was all in her head. I especially liked the line when you compared the city to a concrete forest. That really helped paint the scene and her feelings.

As for the ending, that took an unexpected turn. xD I'm kind of torn on this one. One on hand, I think Helena's reaction was appropriate. If I was getting attacked by some giant doggy monster, I'd probably try to call for help or escape the apartment. On the other hand, it didn't seem like she was in that much pain at the beginning of the attack. (I mean, obviously she was-she's getting eaten alive-but at the same time she's still able to think clearly and run to get a phone. No pain is really mentioned.) The ending part with Sandy ripping her open (eep) was better on this front; you mentioned the overwhelming pain and "the pain about to swallow her whole." Otherwise, it was well-written.

The ending paragraph with the description of Helena's hair is really powerful. It's like one of those scenes from a book that you can just picture in a movie.

Grammar-wise, I felt like a handful of the sentences could be broken up into two separate thoughts. This was more so in the beginning few paragraphs than the end. I didn't spot any misspelled words or MIA punctuation though, so that's always a plus.

I'm not usually into the horror stories, but I'm curious to see where this one will go with the next update. Good job!
9/7/2009 c2 anika k
Really solid first chapter! Poor Calyx, getting dumped like that, though. You do a good job at conveying her emotions. All the little things like her twitching in the beginning and her blurting "I do!" at the end before Zarek finished added a lot to let the reader know the nerves and excitement she's feeling. Also, the imagery was strong.

The little flashback of how they first met slipped seamlessly into the story. It didn't seemed forced or anything like flashbacks sometimes can be. It was also kind of cute of Zarek to sit with Calyx after her date ran off. I was starting to like Zarek at that point, until he abandoned her at the end, too.

Grammatically it was pretty much flawless. I think there was one missing period (" ‘He must be planning to surprise me. He knows how I don’t like extravagant things’ "), but of course that's ridiculously minor. xD

Overall, awesome job! I can't wait to get to the second chapter.
8/31/2009 c2 22Mi.Ishi
Hey Cece!

First off? Really well written first chapter. You're already giving some depth to Calyx, which is well done. In fact, you're giving a lot of what she's like to the reader, by the fact that she doesn't splurge on clothes, to the fact that she's in love with her car and this boy A LOT.

I think though, because I know (and can see from this chapter) that you have the ability to do little bit more scene building. And by that, I mean take out the little things that are a tad unnecessary (like the height of her shoes) and add things that make the physical aspect of the scene come a bit more alive. Like, her thoughts about the night, or the traffic. Or how long she'd been in the car before getting out. You know what I mean?

And then, I think you're just pushing a little too hard with her emotions and thoughts. Like when he opens the door; make the expression she gets have more impact, then you have to rely less on the dialogue in her head. But when you use dialogue, make sure that you're able to get the intonation across to the reader. Like, when Zarek says "There's something I want to talk to you about" maybe add something like, "...something serious I want..." just so that the reader gets it a little bit more, alright?

I loved the restaurant scene insert; you transitioned in and out of that really well too.

UH...grammatically strong, and no outstanding spelling errors I saw. So basically it's just thickening up the foundations of your scenes, and then you're set with this.

Oh! One last thing. I was surprised at how this is a little cliche; I didn't expect it out of you, but it's cute. Not a bad cliche, but the girl going in thinking she's going to be proposed to, and instead she's dropped? Yeah, very Legally Blonde. XD

Looking forward to going on to the next chapter!

Your Shay.
8/25/2009 c2 1Angel-Leigh Jones

this chapter is great. Detailed but in a simple nice way. Its great to read something like this very refreshing :)

Can't wait to read the next chapter.

Some errors i found :) -

1. Calyx looked in her (review) mirror again - should be rearview

2. She checked her perfect make-up (again) and stepped out of her car - Again doesn't need to be in brackets. I would write it - She checked her make-up again, which looked perfect before stepping out of her car.

3. Not only Devon was very protective of Calyx but (she) also thought like a cop, and normally didn’t approve of the guys that Calyx dated. - need to add a she in between but and also.

Angel - the roadhouse please pay it forward to broken mirror
5/17/2009 c2 Spazz-O-Spades

3/28/2009 c2 2Ray-Anne
Aw, the poor thing! Really threw your heart out. Well done with the description and everything.
1/16/2009 c2 557pop
This is very well written, would have never guessed it was a horror fanfic until I read the genre. Post soon!
1/10/2009 c2 painted eyes
Can't wait to read more... really pulls the reader in the way you delude them into thinking that she's going to be proposed to. Keep up the good work.


Oh.. one thing, what is a "wife-beater" as an item of clothing? *scratches head in confusion* It really was a spin to the story when I read it :P
1/9/2009 c2 4Frayling0
Aww great read. I actually found myself feeling sorry for Calyx. Good work! - Luke
12/18/2008 c1 raineyday
This is sweet! You do a superb job of establishing mood and character in a short space of time. It really pulls the reader in immediately. Your dialogue is believable and the whole piece is just very polished and well-written.

You might want to shorten the recollection of Calyx and Zarek's first meeting to a few sentences. Just for the sake of keeping things moving, but that's just me being really nitpicky, and it's totally up to you. ^_^

Your ending is phenomenal, though! Overall, a great piece, very well-written!
12/9/2008 c1 109ADSpencer
Interesting story. I think I've know people who take break-ups this way.

My only big suggestion for this story is that the news reports are integrated a little more into the story, instead of directly after Devon sees an improvement in Cal. It seems a bit blunt to just have the typical "And the then the reports began" sort of line when there's so much more you could probably do with that bit of info. Perhaps you could drop some hints early on that might lead to that 'ah-ha!' reaction from readers when they finish it.

Anyhow, fun stuff. I always enjoy a good horror snippet.
11/25/2008 c1 1Engineer of Words
So this is where Calyx is from. It's one hell of a breakup story, that's for sure. I'm going to agree with some of the other reviewers and say that it's a bit too much story for its length, but it was for school, so that's taken into consideration. Watch your grammar in some instances, as "would have" is proper and "would of" is not, but that aside good stuff.

11/22/2008 c1 11Fights-With-Words
Whoah... that's one hell of a revenge story. Makes 'Before He Cheats' sound like a tickle fight. Nice job, Cae. Love it.
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