for Unchained Phantasm10/19/2008 c1 
612simpleplan13
"I see your face inside my dreams"... the word inside sounded awkward, maybe in would be better?
"…or nightmares…"... I like the ellipses in the beginning it works well with the line before it, but doing it at the beginning and end is a bit overkill.
I also think you went a bit overboard with the word never. Maybe try not or something else for a little variety?
I really liked how you split up those last three lines, nice emphasis on ever. I also liked the idea, we all have unattainable dreams, so it's relateable.
PS If you're bored check out the Review Game forum and/or it's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
612simpleplan13"I see your face inside my dreams"... the word inside sounded awkward, maybe in would be better?
"…or nightmares…"... I like the ellipses in the beginning it works well with the line before it, but doing it at the beginning and end is a bit overkill.
I also think you went a bit overboard with the word never. Maybe try not or something else for a little variety?
I really liked how you split up those last three lines, nice emphasis on ever. I also liked the idea, we all have unattainable dreams, so it's relateable.
PS If you're bored check out the Review Game forum and/or it's Review Marathon (link in my profile)