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for Cold as Ice

1/21/2009 c1 L
anxiously waiting for the next chappie, update soon! please :)
1/10/2009 c5 12SuzannaR
Review Game

Good start to the chapter, the opening line from Ryan drew the reader in to see what he would say about Christian. For my part, I could not believe that he's have the nerve to come see her, after what he had done.

I liked how she dealt with Ryan. It was mean but he deserved it. I still don't get how she had known Ryan for 10 years and he never visited the appt nor never found out things about her. That seems really unlikely.

Plus Christian, well I'm glad that he's confused too about why he's acting like he is. Really she hasn't done anything to seem likeable to him. If I were him I'd be long gone.

Also I'm finding the constant references to the changes in the colour of his eyes a bit distracting, it reminds me of a demon or vampire or something.

s
1/10/2009 c4 SuzannaR
Review Game

I liked the bit where she went to the library and got a lot of bigs and ice cream and stuff to spend her saturday. It makes her seem more human :)

It seems unlikely though that she'd have this saturday rule and a bf and friends. Don't they all want to do things on saturday? That's a bit unbelievable that they don't have a problem with that.

Well, you already know that the icy things bug me so I'll leave that off. But seriously,it's annoying.

Christian I find a bit arrogant. Why does he not leave her alone. She gives him no reason to keep coming back. It;s a bit unrealistic that he would.

Also as soon as that Michelle showed up I knew that Ava was going to pretend to be the gf. That's done way too much.

Also she said that Ryan nor her other friend haven't ever been to her appartment..what? Not close friends then and not even Ryan? Plus she says that no one's held her ...not even Ryan? That is unbelievable.

I think you're overdoing the coldness..she sounds like a sad loser with no friends...and it's therefore strange that she's like that and has friends and a bf and some guy now running after her.

S
1/10/2009 c3 SuzannaR
Review Game

I really am finding that the continuous references to the icy thing detract from the storyline. It seems really unlikely to me that she would be thinking of it in those terms all the time.

I like the idea of Christian, though I do wonder how he got that number. It seems a bit unrealistic though. She has been really mean to him so what exactly does he see in her? Especially since he'd never come back to the hospital after leaving that first night. Why would he go to the trouble of calling her? In addition, if she sees the effect that he has on her (and why? since she has no info about him?) then why should she call him back?

It seems to me that you're making Ava mean and antisocial yet she has friends. This is not making the readers like her! Eg "which I cut myself off from the façade of politeness, fake smiles and laughter and spent it completely and utterly alone". This means to me that though she has friends apparently, they're all fake. That's sad.

I like the bit about the flowers. It right now is one of the only things that I like about her. If you 're going to continue making Ava so mean and cold then you've got to include bits like this so that the reader can warm up to her and care about what happens to her.

s
1/10/2009 c2 SuzannaR
Review Game

Good chapter

I like the main character quite a bit-she reminds me of me :)The bit where she told her friend about the breakup and says it calmly with no trace of sadness or comtempt was quite realistic. I've done that.

There are a few things things that I didn't like:

1. Aquamarine eyes: I have seen this in several stories and I think it's totally fake and unbelievable. The only place I've ever seen aquamarine eyes are on a cat! This I think is one of those things that people write that sounds good but is not realistic.

2. The Icy thing: I like it, really I do and I like the character. However I think you're mentioning it too much. It's unlikely that the person will keep thinking of their behaviour in terms of this and describe it thusly. Eg "The ice was thawing", :The ice had stopped flowing". Plus even Christian made a comment about that. He had just met her. How would he know?

3. you should put a chapter break here: Warm arms wrapped themselves around me as spots of black began to dot my vision and my last thought was, ‘I hate it when girls faint.’

X

My eyes fluttered open.

4. I sat on his stomach, staring at his face, enraptured by his completely masculine beauty. How could a human being look so angelic? Unconsciously, I reached out a hand to touch his shining hair before I realized what I was doing and snatched it back.

One of his knees accidentally hit my stomach and I grunted.

- here if she's sitting on his stomach how could his knee hit her stomach. I can see how his knee can hit her back not stomach.

s
1/8/2009 c3 6DemonicBlackCat
For me, the MC has a potential to be a really great character, but doing these things like 'I need to be ICE!' thing make her sound emo than icy. Seriously. You should probably SHOW how she struggles to keep the ices inside her, not telling it.

And besides, how come she's an ice if one encounter with that guy can affect her that much? Christian does sound charming, and I think that alleviates that nitpick I have, but you should either make her fall in love harder or make Christian even more charming (which would be the harder of the two options).

Anyway, I love how you always continously slips on the ice thing to the chapters. If you manage to continue this till the end of the story without being repetitive, I'd really kowtow to you. :D

Ava seems unnessecaryly cruel. While being icy is a great additional characterization, being cruel is not. Probably that's because she's still hurt because of Ryan? If so, then it'll be better if you put on some monoloques to display her grief. Make the character more symphatetic. I mean, Christian is really the innocent one (though, yeah, he's being too arrogant)

“Don’t you want to apologise?”

LOVE IT!

I really think you should revise Ava more. She's far too cruel and cold. I don't know if this is intentional, but I personally don't really like her and find it hard to symphatize with her. In the first chapter, she's not that bad, but in this one, she's just flat out mean.

Aside from that, I'm also intrigued to see how these two completely opposite couple will work out. You play the usual plot backwards you see. Usually people get the guy as the cold one, not the girl. Cool.
1/8/2009 c2 DemonicBlackCat
I review as I read so the comments here are spontaneous. I'm sorry I didn't follow the usual template, but usually in the end I'll cover everything.

The MC seems to be the type that wouldn't let herself be symphatized. That's why she wants other people to look at her as carefree and outgoing, while in the same time, she's actually hurt. I kind of like this, though IRL, I usually dislike this kind of people.

Good job on showing that real well in the first paragraph.

Great dialogues, and Ugh. Diana seems so sweet it's annoying. I love the backplot you got there. Bestfriends dating, then break up, then everything is splintered.

When she fainted, I almost laughed. It's so ironic. I think I'm liking your MC. She's so rigid.

The 'you're made of ice' thing is really pushing to me. Strangers don't talk that insightfully.

Now, again, I think that the development between the two characters happen too fast. The MC's thoughts seem like she'd known and shared more than one sexual tension with Christian. This story has a good premise, but I think you should slow this one a bit.
1/8/2009 c1 DemonicBlackCat
Opening: it starts right on the middle of the action. I like it, it skips the boring point and things. The 'he slept with other woman' thing is a pleasant surprise.

- Dialog: the dialogues you have in your story is believable, though I do feel that the main character is a bit too composed.

- Writing : sometimes the descriptions tend to stray away in the places where there shouldn't be descriptions, sometimes vice versa.

Anyway, aside from my nitpicking, I actually like the story and the premise it has here. The monoloque thing in the end was what really piqued my interest. Though the word 'true living' is kinda cheesy and taking it too far to my liking.

Okay, onto the next chapter.!
1/6/2009 c13 L
hello Midnite, please please please please please update soon ? I wanna know what happens! I really do, you've been torturing the pair of them for 13 segments... I really wanna know what happens next, I don't know what I will do if you leave this as a cliffie for who knows how long...please update :D
1/2/2009 c13 Zenia
Well this ch. took forever. I'm glad that they didn't declare they love for each other. If there's one thing I hate is people falling in love suddenly.
1/1/2009 c13 L
FINALLY! the girl deserved some comfort after everything she's been through! mind you most of it was self inflicted lies and at times I wanted to whack her upside the head with that huge icicle she's been carrying around and yell WHEN WILL YOU GET IT, but still...I enjoyed this chapter immensely, especially Christian once he dropped that "I hate your guts" mask *drools slightly* HA take that MAKOTO the evil, self centered arrogant JERK! I bite my thumb at your retreating back and hope you never take advantage of another person's weakness ever again. YAY for Zach's senstive side coming out instead of the caveman, if he had yelled at her I would have taken a two by four to his stomach. I liked this flow, it suited the way everybody has been feeling. DIE POND SCUM (of course refering to Melanie and Miriam, I hope they have it coming to them soon wink wink) she finally told someone, I wonder how well she is going to do now that the metaphorical poison is out of her system and she learns to adjust to trusting him finaly, you have had way to much fun inflicting serious emotional pain on Christian and Ava recently. I hope that some brighter days are ahead for the two of them and that sleezy, serious, and stupid and their ringleader Ryan don't mess it up. Even though Ryan and Ava have a history doesn't mean I have to like the impossible jerk. But I really like it when she goes all ninja and maybe it would be good payback for all the yucky stuff he has done to her if she went berserk ninja on his face :). man I am really in a violent mood today insert manaiacal evil laughter here? Any who on to grammatical correction, there were a few punctuation errors,but not anything serious enough to copy into the review and correct, most of it happens to be with the full stop partial stop flowing stop punctuations (semicolons, colons, periods and commas) and those can vary with the very individual style of a writer, it's more an asthetic grammer, the cordon bleu versus meat and potaoes of punctuation so I will not go into detail about them. a few alterations in word choice and placement would smooth out the rough spots, and perhaps ease the transition between your writing days, but again mostly in asthetic so not worth highlighting any particular situation. YAY another chapter to soothe my intense hunger for Christian write soon PLEEASE I'll give you a piece of cheesecake?
1/1/2009 c13 1VioletBluesN'Hues
The ending made me cry.. but that was probably because I was listening to this stupid song superhuman... but youre story is so good.

If this story had a soundtrack it would be this... I guess...

[Verse 1]

(Chris Brown)Weak

I have been crying and crying for weeks

How'd I survive when I can barely speak

Barely eat

on my knees

(Keri Hilson)

But that's the moment you came to me

I don't know what your love has done to me

Think I'm invincible

I see through the me

I used to be

[Chorus]

(Chris)

You changed my whole life

(Keri)

Don't know what you're doing

To me with your love

(Chris)

I'm feeling all superhuman you did this to me

Superhuman heart beats in me

(Both)I think it stopped me here with you

Superhuman

[Chris](I feel so superhuman) Superhuman

(I feel so superhuman)[Keri]

Superhuman

[Verse 2]

Strong since I've been flying and riding the wrongs

Feels almost like had it all along I can see tomorrow

(Keri)But every problem is gone because

I've flown everywhere with love inside of me

It's unbelievable to see

How love can set me free

[Chorus]

(Chris)

You changed my whole life

(Both)

Don't know what you're doing

To me with your love

I'm feeling all superhuman you did this to me

(Chris)

Superhuman heart beats in me

(Both)

I think it stopped me here with you

Superhuman

[Chris]

(I feel so superhuman) Superhuman

(I feel so superhuman)

[Bridge]

It's not a bird, not a plane.

(Both)It's my heart and its going gone away

(Chris)

My only weakness is you

Only reason is you

Every minute with you

I feel like I can do anything

(Both)

Going going I'm gone away in love

[Chorus]

(Both)You changed my whole life

Don't know what you're doing

To me with your love

I'm feeling all superhuman you did this to me

Superhuman heart beats in me

I think it stopped me here with you

Superhuman

(Chris)Superhuman
1/1/2009 c13 A.M. Dawson
*sniffle*

Awe, so cute. And happy. Almost made me cry *Sigh* (Of course, that might be because I'm on an emotional roller coaster due to lack of sleep, but you know, whatever =P)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Go new year resolutions!)
1/1/2009 c13 jelly babies
Yay! I'm the first to review. Is this the last chapter? I hope not! It's so cute, they're finally together, and we find out why Ava is as "Cold As Ice"

HAPPY NEW YEAR =]
12/25/2008 c12 L
you didn't, oh please tell me it isn't true, you DIDN'T. okay, barf and barfetta need to die slow and painful deaths, and Ava needs a good whack upside the head, man this was a sad chappie. what is with the arrogant, cocky rent-a-boyfriend? please tell me you will resolve this soon, i don't want Ava to suffer inside like this forever and never get a resolve! aw this chap is so sad! and also very very well written, you have a nice style :D this was a reasonable review length no? love you UPDATE SOON and I will give you lindt chocolate? please?
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