for Awake in the Dark11/27/2008 c1 
1Engineer of Words
I'm impressed, I must say. The imagery and the juxtaposition between light and dark within the context of the story made this a masterful piece of work. The narration was not always direct in revealing the events of the story, but such an observation happened only once or twice and is nothing really too concerning.
Nice work.
1Engineer of WordsI'm impressed, I must say. The imagery and the juxtaposition between light and dark within the context of the story made this a masterful piece of work. The narration was not always direct in revealing the events of the story, but such an observation happened only once or twice and is nothing really too concerning.
Nice work.
11/26/2008 c1 10Caecilia
[The moon was shattered into a million illuminated pieces upon the tide] You always have the most powerful descriptions, and not once have I seen you go overboard with them. Great job!
Wow. Amazing story! Very powerful. Your imagery is dark, but beautiful.
Good job!
~Caecilia, Beer Run
10Caecilia[The moon was shattered into a million illuminated pieces upon the tide] You always have the most powerful descriptions, and not once have I seen you go overboard with them. Great job!
Wow. Amazing story! Very powerful. Your imagery is dark, but beautiful.
Good job!
~Caecilia, Beer Run
11/5/2008 c1 3Cambion
I remember the very beginnings of creation of this. When that seed finally budded in your mind... that was great.
And as I have told you time and time again, I love it.
3CambionI remember the very beginnings of creation of this. When that seed finally budded in your mind... that was great.
And as I have told you time and time again, I love it.
10/30/2008 c1 46aberlemno
I saw you on the Roadhouse and thought I'd have a look at your writing, I have to say I didn't see that similarity to Chuck Palahniuk (which I'm not saying is a bad thing, some of his books are very good but I think he's overrated and over-emulated... and, having seen him on TV, a bit scary.) But this is not about him... (I also had to stop it being about Elliott Smith, because "Crimson and Clover filled the truck and he left it." just started my inner radio off with Baby Britain... "The radio was playing Crimson and Clover...")
So, now that I've stopped ranting about unrelated nonsense, it was a very good story. The imagery of night, graveyard and beautiful dead girl is a classic, and it would be easy to turn it into a cliche but your description is original and it's very well written. "Babylon didn’t notice any time pass. It seemed to bend and stretch. Slow and stop." I really liked that bit.
The one thing that I might suggest changing would be "It would feel orgasmic, literally". I don't know if you really need the 'literally,' it doesn't seem to fit with the style of the piece... a bit too modern and almost too sensible a word, if you see what I mean. And I think it's clear enough that you mean a real orgasm anyway. But that's just my opinion (although for once it is actually about your story and not Chuck bloomin' Palahniuk :) )
Anyway, I really like the ending and the concept behind the story. I like it that you don't explain too much and we don't know why they can't both live together (possibly upset some gods or other...) Especially at this time of year, it seems symbolic of the summer and winter, light and dark halves of the year, and how one season needs to die so that the other can take over for a time. It is interesting to think of them as lovers who regret this way of things rather than warriors or kings ... Shall I be quiet now? I really did like this, though.
46aberlemnoI saw you on the Roadhouse and thought I'd have a look at your writing, I have to say I didn't see that similarity to Chuck Palahniuk (which I'm not saying is a bad thing, some of his books are very good but I think he's overrated and over-emulated... and, having seen him on TV, a bit scary.) But this is not about him... (I also had to stop it being about Elliott Smith, because "Crimson and Clover filled the truck and he left it." just started my inner radio off with Baby Britain... "The radio was playing Crimson and Clover...")
So, now that I've stopped ranting about unrelated nonsense, it was a very good story. The imagery of night, graveyard and beautiful dead girl is a classic, and it would be easy to turn it into a cliche but your description is original and it's very well written. "Babylon didn’t notice any time pass. It seemed to bend and stretch. Slow and stop." I really liked that bit.
The one thing that I might suggest changing would be "It would feel orgasmic, literally". I don't know if you really need the 'literally,' it doesn't seem to fit with the style of the piece... a bit too modern and almost too sensible a word, if you see what I mean. And I think it's clear enough that you mean a real orgasm anyway. But that's just my opinion (although for once it is actually about your story and not Chuck bloomin' Palahniuk :) )
Anyway, I really like the ending and the concept behind the story. I like it that you don't explain too much and we don't know why they can't both live together (possibly upset some gods or other...) Especially at this time of year, it seems symbolic of the summer and winter, light and dark halves of the year, and how one season needs to die so that the other can take over for a time. It is interesting to think of them as lovers who regret this way of things rather than warriors or kings ... Shall I be quiet now? I really did like this, though.